40% Of Nation's Toilet Paper Found In Richard Burr's Garage; Stock Tips For Sens. Working From Home

'Forty Per Cent of Nation’s Toilet Paper Found in Richard Burr’s Garage,' The New Yorker, AB, March 21, 2020.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) —In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, forty per cent of the nation’s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr’s garage.

The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning, when Burr, who had been checking stock quotes on his phone, accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener.

The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper, which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks.

Picking through the mess, a sharp-eyed neighbor of Burr’s found a Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January, shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the COVID-19 pandemic.

In an official statement, Burr angrily denied that there was “anything inappropriate” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage.

“My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed, in 1984,” he said. “I have never been a part of those decisions, and any attempt to imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.”

Burr said that, in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions, he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/forty-per-cent-of-nations-toilet-paper-found-in-richard-burrs-garage



- 'Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working From Home Will Get Stock Tips,' The New Yorker, 3/20 2020.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.

Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”

Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.

“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.

The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.

Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/richard-burr-demands-assurance-that-senators-working-from-home-will-still-get-stock-tips