Honorary Particle Physicist D. J. Trump Discovers "Want'em Mechanics"
The Missing Corollary to Quantum MechanicsAccording to an iconoclastic article in the latest issue of Science Weakly (an online publication aimed at highly motivated [but poorly educated] science buffs), part-time honorary particle physicist Dr. D.J. Trump has finally uncovered the illusive corollary to Niels Bohrs Quantum Theory, upon which modern subatomic physics is founded. Dr. Trump is believed to have stumbled upon the discovery of Wantem Mechanics (his term) while descending the stairway of Air Force One.
As I carefully watched my fantastically beautiful and tremendously expensive black Oxfords take a series of steps toward the ground, recounted Trump, it suddenly occurred to me that the very act of observing the motion of my shoes could alter their position in space. Fearing that such observation on my part might very well result in my losing my balance, falling on my face, and fracturing my hair, I quit watching them and began to focus on what I want (i.e., my everyday state of mind). It was then I experienced what I call an epiphany (a word very few people have ever heard of before). It occurred to me that just as quantum theory predicts the fixing of an electrons position based on the act of observation, I might be able to fix electoral outcomes (not to mention world events) by wantingem strongly enough! In other words, if I am able to harness the power of wanting, I can corral facts and fix them into alignment with my fondest wishes. All I have to do is wantem to be so, and voila!
Dr. Trump believes that the wide-ranging implications of Wantem Mechanics are yet to be delineated, but he is confident that his breakthrough discovery will undoubtedly turn scientific orthodoxy on its head.
The fact is, I developed the initial outline of Wantem Theory as a six-year-old boy in the Queens neighborhood where I grew up, explains Trump. Believe it or not, at age six I was already as smart as I am today! Even then, though, I was strongly aware that I wanted everything I saw: bikes, scooters, my dads silk neckties, other peoples desserts, seven-year-old women, my older brothers birthright, you name it. And because I wanted all these things (and other people were selfish enough to deny them to me), I was always searching out a plausible justification for liberating these desired items from their undeserving owners. Suddenly, it hit me. By the very act of wanting something bad enough, I might be able to fix its location right into my closet or under my bed. After extensive experimentation along these lines, I was at last ready to declare the preliminary scientific proof of my fledgling theory!
Of course, this was only the beginning of what was to prove a lifetime of tedious, painstaking work: wanting my familys money enough to fix its location into my bank account; wanting to transfer the ill-gotten wages of greedy subcontractors into socially beneficial causes like nonprofit casinos and affordable housing for financially strapped Saudis, then semi-permanently fixing said subcontractors in legal limbo by means of nuisance litigation; or even wanting to control women through intimidation, coercion, and sexual harassment enough to fix their loyalty by way of punitive nondisclosure agreements. Again, all this is time consuming and, for the most part, lonely work. But a scientists passion for his lifes endeavors is, in the end, its own reward. That and a boatload of cash
So whats next for this intrepid, honorary degree holding science dilettante?
Well, right now I am involved in strongly wanting a few million ballots that are being unfairly hoarded by Sleepy Joe Biden, but which I soon hope to securely fix into their rightful place in my vote tallies.
But after the successful conclusion of that little project, I plan to pursue my next earth- shattering discovery. I am currently hot on the heels of a heretofore unknown adjunct to the classic Cause and Effect phenomenon. I call it Effecting a Cause. Not to give too much away here (when Id much prefer you to pay me for it in the form of a copy of my upcoming ghost-written book; everyone says its fantastic!), but the basic premise is simple: we all know that mammograms cause breast cancer, and emphysema causes cigarette smoking. Thats just common sense. So why are so many doctors resistant to the idea that Coronavirus testing causes Coronavirus? Pick up a copy of my new book, Earthquakes and the Tsunamis That Cause Them, and find out!
Mark W. Bradley is a retired history teacher who lives in Northern California. He has been an antiwar activist since the 1960s, writing and marching against every American military adventure from Vietnam to the Iraq War. His satirical articles have appeared in numerous online publications throughout the United States, as well as in New Zealand, the UK.
mr_lebowski
(33,643 posts)Whereabouts (roughly) in No. Cal?
I'm from the Bay ...
markwbradley
(20 posts)Im in Sactown. Lived here most of my life.
Im glad you liked my post. This is the first piece Ive published on DU in over a decade. Most recently Ive published my satires in Opednews, Dissident Voice and Smirking Chimp. Thanks for taking the time to comment, Dude (sorry, I couldnt resist!)
livetohike
(22,145 posts)morning .
Lochloosa
(16,066 posts)Nice to be back at DU after a 12 year hiatus.
grantcart
(53,061 posts)Now had you just pushed ahead and published it, say 10 years ago, you would be famous on both the north and south island of New Zealand.
lastlib
(23,244 posts)So easy to imagine Shitgibbon actually going here.
Solly Mack
(90,773 posts)Nicely done.
Laelth
(32,017 posts)-Laelth
MickieDalton
(10 posts)This of course is a follow-up to the famous paper published in the same magazine by the same physicist some years ago, entitled "Trump's Cat." The theory goes that a cat hidden under Mr Trump's hair might be either dead or alive, but nobody would know until a random gust of wind would uncover the cat at which point it could be in either state. However, on observing Mr Trump ascending to enter Air Force One, such a gust did uncover the hair and it revealed that the whole thing was actually a dead ferret (a third alternative not covered by this theory). Mr Trump claimed that this proved his "Uncertainty Principle" normally expressed by him as "I haven't the faintest fucking idea what I'm doing."
markwbradley
(20 posts)Word on the street is, Dr. Trump is now working on an addendum to Isaac Newtons treatis, Opticks. The good doctor reportedly was breezing through Newtons masterwork, but lost interest after the.first paragraph.
I already know everything there is to know about Opticks, Dr. Trump was quoted as saying. In fact, Opticks is the only thing that matters.
brer cat
(24,576 posts)Welcome back to DU!
Bernardo de La Paz
(49,005 posts)niyad
(113,336 posts)grantcart
(53,061 posts)By a unique coincidence I am finishing a pear review paper and am about to send it to SW on the "Specific Theory of Relativity and Nausea" which documents (and I really hate to abbreviate such a profoundly complex article into a simple sentence) that the closer I am to seeing or hearing the current President of the United States the more nauseas I get.
I had the paper ready for publishing in January but as I was readying it Sara Cooper began to produce her version of Trump using Trump's real voice and I an my test subjects (wife, three friends and a cat) all experienced counter nausea and five chapters had to be rewritten. I was able to save a lot of time by moving past the actual testing stage and simply put in the correct test numbers directly into the spread sheet.
I have already read your book concerning "effecting a cause" and so this afternoon I will be presenting myself an actual, not honorary, Ph'd from USC to validate my thesis.
hermetic
(8,310 posts)Best of luck this afternoon!
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markwbradley
(20 posts)With all of these erudite studies proceeding under the direction of our newly assembled team of self-taught savants, I feel confident that, with the help of Dr. Trump, We could be closing in on the elusive Disunified Theory.
hermetic
(8,310 posts)This paper seems to tie in nicely with my Theory of Pretenductivity, which a lot of people seem to be gravitating towards nowadays.
( Disclaimer: I am not actually a scientist though I did play one on stage once.)
Looking forward to reading more of your work in the future.
markwbradley
(20 posts)Hermetic, please consider joining our team of genii (see #18), in our weeks long quest to know everything there is to know about everything.
hermetic
(8,310 posts)And hey, I bet my ex would vouch for my credentials as one who already thinks they do.
grantcart
(53,061 posts)of the 'pretensionistic' value of the myth in play as it is in juxtaposition to a reward of ice cream?
I found with my young children that a bowl of 2 scoops of ice cream increased the potency of the pretending. For example, " you don't have to be happy to going to bed at 9 but if you pretend to be happy then you get the 2 scoops of ice cream in front of you."
Anecdotally it is reported that every night the President is offered 2 scoops of ice cream on the solemn promise that tomorrow Trump will pretend to be a better person.
markwbradley
(20 posts)I really think you should look into landing a genius grant to further the important work being done in Trumpology. That is, if his rolly pieness is willing to sit for a session.