mother and her biological relatives.

This child's original birth certificate will be sealed, and in most states she will be denied access to it for the rest of her life.

A woman will be coming home from the hospital with empty arms and likely a broken heart.

And a child will be growing up with genetic strangers.

I hope that this is an open adoption and that it stays open.

As for the adoptive mom's own mother, who is an adoptee herself, she was adopted during the Baby Scoop Era--almost certainly from a birth mother who was given no other choice.

You are being a bit insensitive. I was poor so I never had the money to adopt and couldn't have children. You are one of those people that makes me realize how easy it is to suck the joy out of adoption. I'm very Sad for you.

her lost child? Most women who lose a child to adoption never wanted to part with their baby. A good many of them were tricked or coerced. Even in the "best" of cases a woman was often in dire financial circumstances and forced to accept a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Most of these women will mourn for their lost child until the day they die.

Maybe comments like that have the affect of sucking the "joy out of adoption." But you know what? They should. There isn't a lot of joy for the birth family that has forever lost one of its own member. And that baby knows the scent of her real mother--and wants to know where she is.

It doesn't surprise me that the reason you weren't able to adopt is because of a lack of money. Adoption is a big business with a lot of money involved. That creates a tremendous demand for infants. The adoption industry does everything they can to maximize the supply, which is why fraud and coercion are so rampant.

Adoption should only be about finding a home for a child in need--it should never be about finding a child for needy prospective parents.

I'm so glad that I didn't have the money to adopt because then I would been one of those:
"needy prospective parents"

because omg, that would be far worse than adopting a child wouldn't it? No matter the circumstances! Because in your eyes, your explanation is the only way adoption happens these days. Why it's not like any woman would use her uterus to produce a baby someone else could adopt now could they? Nope every child of adoption has a birth mother that is mourning their loss until the end of times...

As someone who was adopted (Philomena came very close to my story, nuns and an illegal adoption) and for a long time I had ill feelings toward birth mothers. How could a mother do this? It wasn't until I began writing for a newspaper and I did a story about Mother's Day that my eyes were opened. I'd been working with an international adoption group and someone introduced me to a woman who was in a group of birth moms trying to help each other. It wasn't until I heard the stories of these women that my eyes were opened.The stories would shock you. What I learned was that most mothers who give their children up never stop mourning. They never stop thinking of their child. An adoption occurs because one woman does the unthinkable, gives up the child she has born. And often she's not given any counseling or help. Granted, the stories I heard were from older women, but my research shows that not a whole lot has changed. Adoption can be a wonderful happening and a child can find a loving and nurturing home. But it can also be a disaster--like the case in Arkansas where a family rehired two sisters to a man who raped them. Adoption needs to be regarded for what it is, a very complex and difficult situation. Some children never fit in with their adopted families, and no one is to blame. But what help is offered? A child adopted internationally can face impossible roadblocks should they want to go back to find out information about their birth parents and the problems only start with language barriers.
I wish this tiny girl all the best. It seems like she has a mom and grandma who are madly in love with her. I hope that as she grows this love stays strong, because she is coming hardwired with some traits and determinations that the adoptive mom may not understand. And the thing is, there aren't many pediatricians or school counselors who have the training to understand these issues.

for their lost children. Are you familiar with the First Mother Forum? It is a very popular site for birth mothers on the internet. www.firstmotherforum.com

Far too many adoptees continue to buy into the narrative that their natural mother is someone who gave them up because they had other things they wanted to do with their lives at that point, and that they happily moved on. In reality, often the adoption was coerced. Under the best of circumstances the woman was usually in a dire financial situation and forced to accept a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I hope you were able to track down and reunite with your first family.

I will be as kind as I can. You don't fully understand the depth and complexity of adoption. It's just a different way to make a family -period. Your comment of "genetic parents" (code for REAL parents) betrays your publicly held misconceptions -that genes are the only way to connect a family. There is loss, gain, and a different search for identity -so we keep the communication lines open at all times. As an adoptive parent, you can't believe the shit questions I get asked by total strangers and the long stares. It use to make me angry, now I simply respond with compassion -and answer the craziest questions you can imagine (with a straight face). I don't even notice the stares at all. I welcome them as an opportunity to help someone learn and expand their heart and mind.

I hope someday, when you are ready, you become a great parent -biological, adoptive, foster, step, etc. Only then will you realize how much you can love another human being. Then the question will be posed, "What if you could love everyone like that?" It will blow your mind.
Stonecarver
BTW I have two great adopted kids 14 and 10 that are just fantastic! I am so proud of them. The goal is - they will grow up to be happy, healthy, well adjusted adults.

But there is another side to this story. It is the side of a woman who went home from the hospital with empty arms.

I have known adoptive parents and their children. I also know some birth mothers. I don't think it is legitimate to dismiss the pain and grief of the first mom. And I don't like it when adopted children are told how they are supposed to feel. They shouldn't be denied the right to feel like a full member of their adoptive families--but they also shouldn't be told how to process their loss.

I see that you're from Minnesota, which allows some adoptees access to their original birth certificates. But they need the permission of their birth parent. That means that if they don't know who their birth parent is they are out of luck. So an entire generation of Americans, who were separated from their families during the Baby Scoop Era, will never get the true story of their origins. Not that I think there is ever a reason to deny a person their own birth records. But sealed records were never about protecting biological parents--the records were sealed in order to keep the parents from finding their children some day. We can thank a serial killer named Georgia Tann for that.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027217981

I don't believe that genes are the only way to connect a family. But I also don't believe that genetics are irrelevant or that an adoption should sever all family ties. I don't question whether you are a full and legitimate parent to both of your children. I simply believe that they have another family and other parents as well.

You talked about keeping the communication lines open at all times. I think that's great. I hope that includes an open adoption.

now there's a day at work she won't soon forget. Hope they gave her the rest of the day off. Not likely she could do any work after that.