Now that Florida is officially within the Arctic circle...

...I thought we Yankees could help out our new frozen comrades in the south with some tips for surviving a real winter.

First of all, fat and hair are your friends. Glamor shots and hard bodies are for wimps. If you think you'll survive the frozen tundra with a sculpted body, you've got another think coming. All young and middle aged men seeking to survive the Arctic freeze should look like 300 pound vikings. Old men should look like Gandelf only 50 pounds heavier. You might see a thin, clean cut North Dakotan here and there, but that should never be attempted without years of acclimation to the deep freeze. And men, that doesn't mean you should fatten up by sitting on the couch downing beers and nachos. You've got to have some muscle to go with it. That means you have to get out there and chop wood, shovel snow, manually drill a hole through three feet of lake ice, chain car tires, and push cars out of snow drifts.

Women, your odds of survival increase exponentially with at least an extra 50 pounds. And you've got to get out there and chop wood and shovel snow with the men. Start chowing down on the venison and gouda and with some car pushing soon you will be an incredibly strong, full figured Goddess of the Tundra with the ability to slay abominable snowmen and successfully hunt woolly mammoths. I hear they're bringing them back. We're going to need the protein.

And speaking of protein...vegans and vegetarians? Forget it! From October to May there are no such things as fruits and vegetables in Minnesota. For 9 months out of the year those people live on cheese, fish from the hole in the lake ice, livestock...and sometimes the family pet. Don't believe me? Look up the history of Donner Pass in northern California. Those people not only ate the dogs, they ate each other. The closest thing you might get to a vegetable during a 9 month Arctic blast is tree bark which you might have to resort to as a cure for constipation.

In all seriousness, here are a few real tips for getting along in frigid weather:

Don't consume alcohol if you are going to go out in frigid weather. It thins the blood and makes it easier for you to get hypothermia or freeze to death should you find yourself in tough circumstances outside. A couple of winters ago in my hometown, a young woman in her early 20s had been out drinking with her friends. They dropped her by her house and took off as soon as she stepped out of the car. The young woman had to relieve herself in a bad way, apparently, and went around the side of the house to urinate in the bushes. She passed out from too much drink with her pants around her knees and ended up freezing to death. Her poor father found her there the next morning and thought she had been sexually assaulted and killed due to the circumstances. Nope, she was just too drunk and out in the cold. It wasn't even that cold here either for our neck of the woods. About 20 degrees F.

Smokers lungs and frigid air clash in a serious way. I'm a trucker and I have been for the last 21 years. When I was 36, I had been a smoker for 20 years. I had worked up to a 2 pack a day habit which is not uncommon for truckers. One winter day when the temperature was in the single digits, I had to hook up to a trailer. Trailers have landing gear that allows them to stand upright when they are not connected to a tractor. You have to manually crank up the landing gear once you have connected to the trailer. It can be a chore when it's very cold out, especially if the landing gear is not lubed well. I had to use most of my force to get that landing gear up that day and I was very winded. I hopped in the truck and could not catch my breath for about 3 minutes. I thought I was going to pass out. When I finally did catch my breath my lungs had a fierce burning in them from gasping in the cold air. That burning lasted for about an hour. In my years as a smoker that burning was always there when I had to exert myself in frigid temperatures. I quit smoking about 5.5 years ago. I'm 45 now. I was still getting that burning sensation in my lungs from gasping in cold air up until last winter. Last night I had a similar experience with a landing gear on a trailer as far as difficulty in getting it cranked up. It was 7 below. When I hopped in the truck I caught my breath in less than a minute and did not have that burning sensation in my lungs. I guess I'm healed up, but it took a long time.

A few times a winter where I'm from you'll here of some poor guy who had a heart attack while he was out shoveling snow out of his driveway. I'd bet money that every time he was either a smoker at some point, or he was elderly, or both. If you've been a smoker for a long time, do not try to exert yourself too much in frigid weather. It will take you down fast.