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1. "Returning home to Aberdeen on a wet and windy Friday afternoon, the pilot explained, 'Good afternoon gentlemen. You will have noticed that it's a bit hairy in the skies and the wind is against us. We require a steep take off out of here and it will be tricky but hold on to your seats, it's Friday night and I've got a wedding reception to go to. Over and out'."

2. Sitting quietly on a flight to Helsinki with my boss (a terrified flyer at the best of times) the pilot made an announcement in Finnish that made all the Finns sit up and take note. He then repeated in laconic English: 'Ladies and gentlemen we shall be making an unscheduled landing and steep approach to Tampere airport, the plane is on fire, thank you'. We then make a Stuka-like approach to Tampere and a safe landing. It was only smoke in the cockpit. My boss did try to get me to hire a car and drive him back to the UK though."

3. "Ten seconds after take off at full thrust we felt a loss of power and then detected the smell of burnt metal. The captain announced: 'Would the lead steward please come to the flight deck... immediately'. The steward duly attended and then walked towards the back of the plane with her head skewed firmly to the port side. Once past the wing, she stared at the engine, returned to the cockpit and closed the door. There were several more trips back and forth and people started to panic. It turned that a birdstrike had completely fried the engine. We returned to the airport safely, but 'immediately' is not a word that you want to hear coming from the cockpit."

4. "A few years ago on a flight from Paris to Dublin the crew played in English the correct announcement ('The captain has switched on the seatbelt sign' or whatever) but in French they mistakenly played the announcement to 'adopt the brace position in preparation for a crash landing'. All the French passengers immediately went into a panic, while the rest of us wondered what the fuss was about!"

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