Your friend may be a "good guy" and a Yale graduate, but your friend is also a DEADBEAT.

Wishing you peace.

I'm hoping he does get that job (if he is telling the truth about the job). He always offers to do things for us since we are old and in our 70s.

He was thrown out of our tailgate group at the Yale Bowl last football season. I felt terrible for him and begged them to reinstate him. They refused. Now I am wondering if he was hitting up members of the group for money also.

I don't understand that.

Obviously he needs the money, and obviously you would have to pay someone else for those tasks.

This makes no sense to me. It's very generous of him to be willing to do things for you.

Tell him you need to keep track of loans for your accounting purposes, and to keep all your transactions on the up-and-up so there aren't any misunderstandings later.

Just gratefully pay him to do your tasks. You would have to pay someone else.

Goodness.

You've helped me see that their is an implicit request for money with him. I do wish that he could explain the junking of his old car after he wanted $80 from me to help fix it.

If he helps in crucial times like the doctors...20.00 is nothing. call a cab and see if its commensurate. If you are really cash strapped (arent we all) you just have to say you have a new budget plan and have no loose change laying around bc of the economy. Sad to have to lie, but, folks can put you in a bad position and you end up resenting it. Write off what he owes you today and don't put any more quarters in the ass-kciking machine. That'd me my take on it.

When you friend helps you out for essentially nothing, glad to help out, he's counting on you to pay him for his kindness.

Me? I'd just let it go, and go forward.

That's what I'd do with a friend.

Sure people get in a tight spot we all have but to not repay you back I feel is disrespectful just my opinion.

It's terrible of me and I hate to think he has been lying about the new job. And I also thought it was a racial thing with the tailgate group (he is black and he took his white girlfriend to the tailgate party once).

If he asks for money, just politely say, "no". It is 100% effective and there's no need to offer any excuse or explanation. He's using you. A real friend doesn't do that. If you need him to give you ride, pay him a modest sum for his service, or better yet, call Uber

You have to get there somehow. Sure, ask about the job. He probably didn’t get it.

it most certainly isn't, but does he get something in return for the gas and time he spends to drive you to appointments? Some people might want to get that back and choose poor ways to do so.
If it was only the 20 I'd ask how much you value the drives but borrowing money and not paying it back is a big red flag and it seems your husband has had enough of these situations.

As for doctor's appointments, I have memory issues and get confused when I go downtown for an appointment. The gas station is very close by and easy to access.

So just consider him an informal chauffeur on those days and give the good man a twenty dollar bill.

Thank you for helping me get all this straight in my head.

Tell him. You and your husband are on a fixed income, you both have medical issues. You appreciate the help he provides with rides to the doctors, but because he doesn't pays you back, you can no longer keep "loaning" him money.

Then, if it works for you, tell him you are writing off all past loans that are due, except for the $80. You still expect him to pay that back.

Good luck, never an easy issue to discuss money between friends.

I think he'll probably tell me he will get that back to me as soon as he gets into the swing of his new job. But you never know...

more like 'Remember the $80 I loaned you for your car? I'd like the $80. And where IS the car?'

But I'd really like to ask him WHY he took my $80 and didn't do what he said he needed to do. I really don't understand that...

The 'impression' that he junked the car is not the same as 'Sorry, yank, found I couldn't deal with the car. Thanks for the $; he're's a down payment.'

feel better.

I just give it to them and don't expect it back. Sounds like him helping you is well worth the $20.

If you can't afford to give it, don't lend it, because it might end up being the same thing, only if you "lent," you'll feel resentful.

Over a period of time I gave him (let's just say) $1,500. Then he went into rehab with a drug problem that I didn't know anything about. While I'm not made of money, I figured the money was gone, and though I had been unknowingly enabling his addiction, I figured that money was too stupid a thing to hold a grudge about. My friend is clean and sober nowadays, but he'll never be financially back where he was, and demanding payback might mean a relapse. I care more about his well-being than I do for money.

I say don't lend him any more money, but count what's been given as a gift if you want to keep the relationship.

the “when I get a job” routine, tell him that’s not good enough and if he has to sell some of his possessions but you want your money.

homeless (he was once homeless). And the truth is that I don't "really" need the money. It's just the annoyance of his keeping on doing it that is driving me a bit nuts.

"I am uncomfortable with not handling this differently. You don't owe me any money. You have helped us, and I hope you will continue to do so. But I need to pay you the going rate for driving me on errands and the other things you do for us. It's only fair. I would have to pay someone else. And I sure don't want to look like a cheapskate who is taking advantage of your help."

Some people are too embarrassed to ask for money straight up. Doesn't really matter what their intentions are.

And who knows? You just might get lucky someday and they'll repay you, maybe not in cash, but in some other fashion.

If you're not giving them anything more than what's pocket change to you (not your mortgage, rent, food, medicine, etc...) then what's the big deal?

Maybe I'm better off for occasionally giving some hopelessly inept, irresponsible, but well meaning person my posh IPA beer money. I can just as well enjoy a PBR or fizzy water.

Keeping accounts with someone like this will only make you crazy and it's not likely to change them for the better in any way.

Help out going forward- what ever you think is fair or the market rate.

The very few times money inserted its ugly head, the friendship died a painful death.

I doubt you will see your money again. At least if you say flat out that you can't spare any more, you will find out VERY quickly if you are indeed a true friend or a suddenly broken ATM.

I've done this with my neighbor who borrowed rent money with a payback schedule and then kept wanting "20 bucks for gas" during that time.

I would print up a list of loans and a total they owe (DEFINITELY including the $80 he's trying to forget about,) and explain "Just so we're both informed, this is why I'm unable to loan you any more money going forward until I'm paid back somehow. It's not that I can't afford to loan you money, and I'm always willing to help, but I am not a credit agency." It doesn't have to be hostile - definitely DON'T break the friendship or you'll never get paid.

Offer to work out a payment plan, or if you are okay with it, negotiate barter in kind if you're okay with that - like $5 gas money taken off the bill each time he drives you to the doctor. In my case, I would help her out by taking her to the gas station and putting gas in her car, or feeding her if she wasn't able to afford groceries, but I wouldn't hand her any more money.

Essentially don't let it become a point of contention. Don't attack them about it, but don't let them forget about it because "you are friends". Once I covered a $90 food and bar tab for a friend when his card kept getting denied, and he took eight months to repay it. I kept getting more and more silently furious when he would get his check every two weeks and treat his Tinder dates to $200 meals out on the town with drinks and dessert and appetizers. It was hard because he was frequently generous and fed me on many occasions, but I hadn't intended to float him that much money for so long Finally I had to tell him "If you don't pay me back this money, I'm going to end up missing my electric bill because you still haven't paid your bar tab from last year. I know you're getting paid on Friday, I need you to pay me back before going out to a restaurant. Think of me as your date this week please."

Now I'm better at loaning money - I don't loan money I can't afford to lose, but you can't let it slide every time. I frame it as "If you want me to be willing to spot you $20 on occasion in the future, you have to demonstrate that you're just as willing to pay it back. I'm not calling it all due immediately, I just need you to not forget that you already owe this much and continuing to borrow from me makes it harder it is for you to eventually square up. I don't want you to get to a point where you can't pay me back and risk jeopardizing our friendship because that happens to so many people. I'd hate for us to get to that point."

Last edited Tue Aug 21, 2018, 02:03 PM - Edit history (1)

If you think of it as a loan, it's going to bug you. If you think of it as a fair exchange for services, then you'll be comfortable with it.

I give away a lot of money. Expecting to get it back is pointless. I'm paying it forward. When I needed money in my youth, people helped me out.

If you can't afford the "loan" then stop, and explain that you can't afford it. But expect the small favors to end. Alternately, start paying for the small favors at the same time you stop the "loans". And pay fair prices for each thing he does for you. You may find that it's more expensive than the "loans".

I have a feeling that you're getting more than you're loaning.

such as my hair stylist or a doctor's appt.