Ancient Greco-Roman Literature as Onion Headlines.

The Iliad: Area Man Expected To Work With These Incompetents
The Odyssey: Prodigal Asshole Returns
The Aeneid: Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had
The Satyricon: I Fucked My Way Into This Mess, And I'll Fuck My Way Out
Medea: Relationship Not A Power Struggle, Woman Who's Winning Reports
The Bacchae: Area Man Just In Bad Mood Because He’s Tired And An Awful Human Being
Iphigenia at Aulis: Guests Forced To Pretend Wedding A Good Thing
Agamemnon: Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Incredibly Satisfying
Oedipus the King: True Courage Is Knowing You're Wrong But Refusing To Admit It
Herodotus' Histories: Historians Admit To Inventing Ancient Greeks
The Poetry of Catullus: Relationship Definitely Hurtling Toward Something
The Ars Amatoria: Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips
The Speeches of Cicero: Here Are All Of My Opinions
The Epigrams of Martial: Come On, Lighten Up, I'm Just Being A Total Asshole