You know you are a criminal when....

If you have ever had sex or even talked to a member of the opposite sex anywhere in the US I am guessing you are probably a criminal.......

Hey chaps, ever had a beer after making love to your woman? Better hope that is was not more than three gulps if you are in Ames Iowa, apparently any more than three gulps is rude or something. Getting the sexy on with the lights on?? Oh no! Arrest that couple. Well in Rombach Virginia tis against the law. Fancy a bit of slap and tickle? – not in Mississippi if you don’t mind. Fancy going on the pull? Pretty much against the law in Alabama – that is unless you decide flattery is not a tool that should be used as you try and engage with the fairer sex! Unmarried and had sex in Michigan? You are soooo a criminal! If caught you could get 5 years – you are criminal in Texas to, but it is only a misdemeanour (well that’s all right then!). Arizona could bang you up for three years and never go to South Dakota if you like oral sex. That is worth ten years apparently.

Now anyone who has visited Washington DC or Florida I can pretty much guarantee you are a criminal. That is unless your sexual adventures are restricted to the missionary position. Anything else is against the law?!?! Of course, considering the fact that making love to a virgin (even on their wedding night) is a major crime in Washington State the missionary position is the least of the problem! So, no sex with virgins? Got to be better than Connecticut which criminalises any sexual behaviour between any adults at all. Hhhhmmm – if you have ever gone there then odds on you are a criminal.

As a women some of the weird and wonderful misogyny of years gone by mean that visiting Texas as a woman with more than 6 sex toys and you could be in trouble! Visiting Illinois? The young unweds in that part of the country are Masters. Yes, to you women folk that would be Master James not Mister James. (All the criminals in the house put their hands up!) Like a patent leather shoe – sorry ladies the reflection of your undergarments may just make the blood lust rise in the men of Cleveland, no patent leather shoes for you! Now ladies, I know, I know but at least in Cleveland you can strip naked in front of a photo of a man. Not so in Oxford Ohio. But then in Oxford you might not be allowed to strip naked in front of a picture of your chap, but a least you do not have to ask his permission to get your hair cut the way you do in Michigan! So, you get permission from your husband in Michigan to get you haircut and on a trip to Kansas City you decide to pop to the hair salon. Make sure it during the day. Any women on the streets at night can be liable to arrest.

Fancy a visit across the pond? Then make sure your criminal behaviour is kept under wraps please. No carrying of planks along the pavement and is you must get pissed do not do it a pub – apparently getting drunk in the place you go to get drunk is putting yourself on the wrong side of the law! And after you have had a few please do not burst into song on the street, very, very naughty! Never ever jump the ticket queue on the tube – you know we Brits love our queues. Oh, and please remember it is really really illegal to cause an nuclear explosion. - but hey we can have sex standing up, so that is something!!!!!

And finally, please, please remember if you are going to have sex with Satan then you must use a condom when visiting Bakersfield, California

Now can any of you tell me you are not a criminal?

Hehe