Tomato paste.

Total control of the Jolly Green Giant.

The bartender says "why the long face"?

"I was here first, asshole."

messing around with the ribbon and thinking I was going to get in trouble with my parents or my brother for breaking it!

to last a while and not clog up. The ink had to dry extra quick. US spent $20 million.



The Soviets just used pencils.












(old joke)

have a tradition of pulling down their bigger neighbours for fun. I figured it was one of those. But i was wrong.

and little Johnny walks by carrying a roll of duct tape.

"Hey sonny Jim, where ya going with that roll of duct tape?" Asks the old man.

"I'm going Duck Huntin'" Says Johnny.

"HOLD ON, WAIT JUST A SECOND.....You can't hunt ducks with a roll of tape!"

"Oh yes I can" says Johnny, and off he walks.

An hour and a half later, here comes Johnny with that roll of duct tape stretched out behind him and 12 Muscovy Ducks stuck to it.


The next morning the man is sitting on the porch with his paper and Johnny walks by with a roll of Chicken Wire under his arm.


"Hey sonny Jim, where ya going with that roll of Chicken Wire?" Asks the old man.

"I'm going Chicken Huntin'" Says Johnny.

"HOLD ON, WAIT JUST A SECOND.....You can't hunt chickens with a roll of chicken wire!"

"Oh yes I can" says Johnny, and off he walks.

An hour later he walks back by with that roll of chicken wire stretched out and 26 chickens flapping away, stuck to it.

Next morning the old man is back on the porch and here comes little Johnny.

The man scratches his eyes for a better look.

Johnny has a long, reed looking thing with a puffy bit on the end over his shoulder.

"Hey sonny Jim, whatcha got there this fine morning?

"A PUSSY WILLOW" says Johnny.

"HOLD ON, WAIT JUST A SECOND.....................


I'll get my hat"

but Quasimodo has a hunch!

Because when he leaves a room, he hears them say, “What an ass!”

refusing to go to the White House.

BREAKING NEWS! Justify has announced he will not go to the White House to celebrate his big win. Justify explained his decision, "If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would have run second."


Thanks again to whoever posted the joke orangely. I love it. It's the only joke I've ever been able to remember!

For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Donald Trump and William Barr before I die," said the priest. "I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to the White House and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived. Trump and Barr would be delighted to visit the priest.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Trump's hand in his right hand and Barr's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally, Trump spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

The old priest continued... "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

...and one looks at the other and says, “Does this taste funny to you?”

Dave is talking to his boss after his annual performance appraisal. Dave says, 'Boss, I know everyone,. Just say a name and I know them. Go ahead. Any name at all.' The boss is tired of Dave's boasting and says, "OK. Tom Cruise" Dave says, "Oh yeah I know Tom, sure". Boss says, "OK lets take the company jet out to California and see Tom". Dave says, “Sure Boss lets go.”
The plane lands in California, they take a taxi to Cruise's home. Dave goes up to the door, rings the bell. Cruise comes out. "DAVE! How the hell are you? Come in Come in! Have a seat, you want a beer? Lets talk, I haven’t seen you in the longest time.” Dave and his boss walk in sit down drink a beer, talk and they leave after about an hour.
Outside, Dave says,"Well Boss what did you think?" Boss says," You just got lucky". Dave says, "Lucky?! Well give another name. ANY name and I know them”. The boss says, "POTUS". Dave says “Sure, I know POTUS.” Boss says, To the plane. The plane lands in D.C., they take a taxi to the WH. Dave goes up to the WH, rings the door bell and POTUS comes out. "DAVE! How the hell are you? Come in Come in! Have a seat, you want a beer? Lets talk, I havent seen you in the longest time.” Dave and his boss walk in sit down drink a beer, talk and they leave after about an hour.
Outside, Dave says,"Well Boss what did you think?" Boss says," You just got lucky". Dave says, "Lucky?! Well give another name. ANY name and I know them.” The boss says, "The Pope". Dave says “Sure, I know The Pope.” Boss says, “To the plane.” The plane lands in Rome. They take a taxi to Vatican Square. It's packed with people. The Pope is on a balcony. People are screaming, pointing at the Pope.
Boss says,"Well Dave?" Dave says, "I can't catch his eye, too many people". “I know, I'll ask the guards to let me in the back. I know the guards, you wait here Boss.”
Dave goes off, leaving his Boss standing in Vatican Square. Minutes later, Dave comes out on another balcony with the Pope! People scream louder, point to the balcony. Dave looks down to where his Boss is standing. There is a larger commotion happening down there. People waving their arms in the air, pointing outside Vatican Square. Dave leaves the Pope on the balconey, heads down to his Boss.
By the time he gets there an ambulance has arrived, and the EMT's are placing his boss on a stretcher into the ambulance. Dave comes running up shouting Boss! Boss! What happened?? AN EMT says, " Heart attack". Dave goes to his boss’s side, his boss pulls him down and says, "I was doing fine, until the guy standing next to me taps me on my shoulder while pointing to the balcony, says,
Whose that guy standing next to Dave?"

When I heard it, it was a little Italian boy who toddled up, tugged him on the finger, and asked 'who's that man talking to Dave?'

are on a plane that's about to crash. There are only three parachutes. Trump grabs one and jumps. The rich man also feels entitled so he does the same.

Michelle says, "I've lived my life, you go ahead and take the last one." The child says, "Not to worry. Trump grabbed my backpack."

(Only it was a Boy Scout, not a little girl, to explain the backpack. Now it seems all kids carry them.)

He looks at one of the frightened witnesses and says "did you see my face"? Trembling, the guy nods yes. So the gunman shoots him. He turns to another couple of witnesses and says "did you see my face"? "I didn't", the woman says, "but my husband did".

They fell into a box of ding dongs.

Lawyer says, Well, I hear Mickey, that you want to divorce Minnie because she is crazy...

Mickey says... I didn't say she is crazy. I said, She's fucking Goofey….

Hope no alerts me...

But..

Why don't Baptists have sex standing up?

Because somebody might think they were dancing

Lol

and the Bear says to the Rabbit ... "do you have a problem with shit getting stuck in your fur?"

and the Rabbit says "nope, I sure don't!"

so the Bear

wiped his ass with the Rabbit

Two Godzilla like creatures are tearing up a city. One of them is holding a train while the other is tearing down a high power line. There appears to be a small car caught in the scales on the side of one's face. The other turns to him and says, "You've got something on your chin."

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

I have a son who is at heart an engineer. I talk about him here as My Son the Astronomer. Once I told him that joke and he agreed. Why can't they play at night?

Private club golf was fast with no waiting to tee-off...and since I played 5 times a week,
it was actually cheaper than public courses.

First some silly riddles

What's black and white, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, you'll die?
A piano.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

Two city workers in Dublin are working on filling potholes in a street close to a well-known house of ill-repute. As they work, they notice one of the city's few Protestant ministers go up to the door, look furtively around, and then enter.
"Ah, what a shame," says one.
"Saints preserve us when men o' the cloth be behavin' suchly."
"Aye."
They continue working, and the city's only Rabbi comes up to the door, looks around, and enters.
"Ah, what a shame," says one.
"Aye. Tis no wonder the youth of today are the way they are when so-called men of God act like this."
"Aye."
On with their work, and eventually a Catholic priest goes to the door, looks around, and enters.
"Oh, what a shame this truly is!" says one.
"Aye," replied the other. "One of the poor lasses must be on her deathbed and called for last rites."
"Aye."

The Pearly Gates had fallen behind admitting new souls so St. Peter called on some angels to help. Two of them went outside the gate and divided the waiting souls into two groups. One of the angels then called on one of the groups to follow him, and he led them through the gates into Heaven with many of the group looking smugly at the other group as they passed them. An hour went by, and the first angel poked his head out the gates and yelled at the first angel, "They're taken care of. You're good to go!" The second angel then called on his group to follow him, and he led them into Heaven and gave them a quick tour of Heaven, motioning toward one area that it would be best if they avoided it. Finally after about an hour, the tour concluded, and he asked if anyone had questions. One man raised his hand and said, "I have three. First why did that one group get to go before us? Second, why did we have to wait for the first angel to be done taking care of them? Third, why do we need to avoid that one area you pointed out to us?"
The angel replied, "The answer to all three of your questions can be summed up in one word: Baptists."
"Baptists?" asked the man.
"Yes," said the angel. "We find things run a lot more smoothly if they think they're the only ones up here."

TlalocW

A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

St. Peter has them form a line.
St Peter asks the first nun, "Is there anything you want to confess?"
The nun says, "Yes, St. Peter, I once saw a penis! What can I do?"
St Peter says, "Go wash your eyes with the holy water in that font over there and you'll be fine."
The next nun comes up and says, "St Peter, I once touched a penis! What can I do?"
St Peter says, "Go wash your hands in the holy water in the font over there and you'll be fine."
At this point, two nuns are fighting to go next.
St Peter says, "What's the problem here? Why are you two fighting?"
Sister Margaret says, "Well St Peter, I want to wash out my mouth with that holy water before Sister Bernadette washes her butt with it."