The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsI lost my best friend on Sunday.
I don't even know where to begin. I've been in a fog. I unexpectedly lost my friend/fiance to sudden heart failure. Rick was my first love and most likely my last. We met when we were 18 on our first day of college. We were together for the next 3-4 years until graduation. We realized that we were just too young and parted ways. We always got along, but when you're too young to settle down, you're too young. He went his way and I went mine, both of us very happily married to other people. In fact, Rick and his wife even came to my wedding in 1984.
Fast forward to 2012 and Facebook. I can't even remember who friended who, but we began communicating again. By that time, my husband, Chuck, was confined to a nursing home from the ravages of having had Type I Diabetes for 45 years and had developed vascular dementia. Rick's wife was dying from ALS which she was diagnosed with in 2007. In a horrible coincidence, I lost my dad to ALS in 2000, so I knew something about the daily challenges he was going through. We Facebooked each other occasionally, but we were both so busy it wasn't too often. I always let him know if he needed to speak to someone who knew what he was going through, I was there. His wife passed away in her own home with Rick taking care of her every day she was sick. She was the Director of all of the State of Michigan mental health & geriatric programs under Governor Jennifer Granholm, so Rick was able to quit his job to care for her. Most people die within 18 month from their diagnosis; Irene lived for 6 years, which is a testament to Rick's devotion to her. I didn't have the same good fortune and had to work full-time.
When my husband passed away in 2014, Rick was one of the first people to contact me. He was one of the few people who knew what it was like to lose the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Facebook turned to phone calls to visits (we lived about 65 miles from each other) to me moving to be near him. The love, affection, and friendship we've always felt for each other was rekindled and the past 4 years have been wonderful. We talked about getting married, but let's face it, we were both pretty set in our ways and it was good to have our own space, even though we were together almost every day. The days we weren't together, we'd call each other up just to talk. He was a consumer protection lobbyist who wrote Michigan's Lemon Law, cemetery regulations, and his favorite fight, keeping price tags on individual items in stores. His favorite memory was making Michelle Engler (Governor John Engler's wife) angry at Christmas time because she had to remove the price tags off of all of her kid's Christmas presents, lol. It was a testament to Rick's skill that he managed to beat back the bill to eliminate the pricing for years. The bill finally passed the next legislative session after Rick retired.
So I've had a shitty week. Now I'm dealing with the legalities of his death when I have no legal standing. He had no children. He has three sisters who live from 5-50 miles from him that he hasn't seen in three years. When the hospital contacted his sister, she told the doctor that Rick told them I had medical power of attorney, but we couldn't find paperwork. So, I couldn't make any decisions for him. but he died in the ER. His best friend, Dave, who he happened to meet two hours before me way back when, has been a constant in his life. He found Rick's will and pre-arranged burial policy. Dave and I met with the funeral home, made the arrangements, and I paid the balance that his insurance didn't cover. None of his sisters showed up. The will is a Legal Zoom type document that he signed at home with two witnesses in 2018. He never told me about it. His will stunned me. Not only did he leave his house and all of it's contents to me, I'm the beneficiary of his 401K. I'm also named executor. It's about half a million dollars. I knew he was comfortable, but I didn't expect this. I don't know if any of his sisters will try to contest it or not. He was closest to his eldest sister who lives the farthest away and he spoke with her frequently on the phone., but it's his youngest sister I'm concerned about. The only time she called him was when she needed money. He would be so angry if she got anything. She cleaned out their parents before they died, so there's some hard feelings there. I'm seeing an estate attorney on Monday. I don't know what to think about all of this, but I also want to follow Rick's wishes and will fight to honor them.
So, I'm grieving. Thank you to all who managed to get through this. DU is my home, too.
50 Shades Of Blue
(10,017 posts){{{{catbyte}}}}
Callalily
(14,890 posts)TEB
(12,863 posts)Sherman A1
(38,958 posts)I hope that everything works out for the best. We are about to lose my Mother in Law. She is in hospice now and My Wife & I expect the after affairs to be very ugly between 2 of her 3 brothers that does not include the 3 step siblings from her Second Husband who were cut out of his will when he passed away several years ago.
Both the Wife and I are going to decline any inheritance and I will have a letter to submit to the Executor/Personal Representative when the time is right to do so. We want nothing to do with the coming storm.
Kurt V.
(5,624 posts)erronis
(15,306 posts)I will try to share your sorrow. Just as you've given many of us great joy with your posts.
MicaelS
(8,747 posts)Who loved you very much. My condolences.
skylucy
(3,739 posts)Rick's estate and that his wishes are honored by his family members. God bless.
CatMor
(6,212 posts)so sorry for your loss.
iamateacher
(1,089 posts)For your loss. He sounded like a wonderful person.
Lefta Dissenter
(6,622 posts)He must have been so grateful to have you in his life, and I am just so sorry for your heartache.
TomSlick
(11,100 posts)I hate to be a nervous lawyer but please take the will to a lawyer as quickly as possible.
Your Rick was obviously a good man and his wishes need to be given effect.
catbyte
(34,408 posts)and I hate confrontation, but I will fight like a tiger to see that Rick's wishes are honored.
TomSlick
(11,100 posts)You be the tiger and let the lawyer do the fighting (if any is needed).
WinstonSmith4740
(3,056 posts)Deepest condolences. I went through this with my husband 9 years ago. You'll get through this. But right now, let yourself feel what you're feeling. Don't deny your emotions. And don't forget to take care of yourself...it's easy to miss meals.
But please follow Tom's advice. The promise of "found money" tends to bring out the worst in people. I guarantee that younger sister will cause problems.
we can do it
(12,189 posts)Beatleman
(29 posts)for you,however memories,last a lifetime,grief passes,we have had our share
AJT
(5,240 posts)It is especially hard when circumstances get in the way of grieving.
redstateblues
(10,565 posts)Tanuki
(14,919 posts)sharing such a beautiful love story with your DU family. It was wonderful that you and Rick had a second chapter together after you each lost a beloved spouse. Wishing you strength and healing.
Duppers
(28,125 posts)Sending big hugs. You are loved and very appreciated here.
livetohike
(22,147 posts)help to bring you peace and comfort.
happybird
(4,608 posts)Rick sounds like he was a wonderful, good man and the story of your lives touched me. Thank you for sharing it.
Wishing you peace and comfort as you navigate this difficult time.
fierywoman
(7,686 posts)BigmanPigman
(51,611 posts)My dad suddenly died 5 weeks ago and I am a wreck without having to deal with financial and legal stuff. I hope you are stronger than I am. Do not forget to take care of yourself physically too.
Haggis for Breakfast
(6,831 posts)This is such an agonizing position to be in, Catbyte. Please make sure that your own support network knows what is going on and allow them to help. Allow yourself YOUR space and time to grieve. Let no one push you into decisions you re not ready to make yet or tell you that you need to "buck up" or "move on" until you are prepared to do what you need to do for YOU.
I am sending you BIG hugs right now.
Please let us know how you are doing, If you need help, ask. Use the PMs. We are all here for each other.
vercetti2021
(10,156 posts)Prayers
shenmue
(38,506 posts)JDC
(10,129 posts)rurallib
(62,427 posts)best wishes for dealing with all the legalities and your loss.
I am shedding a tear for you. Best wishes
pnwmom
(108,980 posts)It must be devastating.
Wishing you strength and healing.
fleabiscuit
(4,542 posts)You sound exactly like the person he could count on for his final arrangements.
elleng
(130,983 posts)Phoenix61
(17,006 posts)I'll share great advice I got when my husband died. Don't do anything you can't get out of unless you absolutely have to for a year. What seems like a good idea now in the midst of shock and pain may not seem so great later on. I wish you all the best.
DownriverDem
(6,229 posts)for your pain. Good you are seeing an attorney on Monday. I live in Michigan and thank Rick for his service to our State. He sounds like a great guy.
wendyb-NC
(3,328 posts)nocoincidences
(2,223 posts)you lost him after finding him again.
I sincerely hope his sisters don't give you grief.
Very sorry.
sprinkleeninow
(20,253 posts)Husband of 46+ years, March, cardiac arrest. Alive then not alive in seconds.
It's unimaginable when it comes to your 'house'.
Prayerful intercession for you going up.
Much 💛 and a
femmedem
(8,203 posts)I hope that in time, the memory of your years together brings you more comfort than grief.
sprinkleeninow
(20,253 posts)Scaring myself at times, I don't feature losing it.
I remind myself that there are others worldwide that may be experiencing more horrendous tragedy and suffering.
I am thankful for your thoughtful uplifting words
and for my DU family.
💛
sprinkleeninow
(20,253 posts)Having read numerous sentiments and insight advice in this thread, may I say:
What she's experienced is generating responses that have such worth in wisdom and healing. The human experience.
Y'all ministering lovingkindness to her and concurrently to those taking part here.
mountain grammy
(26,626 posts)It's nice that you two were able to reconnect. It must have meant a lot to him too.
Good luck to you, catbyte. I hope everything works out for you.
dawg day
(7,947 posts)What a great life he had. I loved the anecdote about the governor's wife and the price tag.
And how good he was to make sure you were taken care of. I'm glad you got an estate attorney right away to make sure that Rick's wishes are followed. IT's important that you secure the physical copy of the will (the attorney will handle that), and also make sure you know the names of the witnesses. This is what Rick wanted for you, to make sure you are secure now. Let the attorney take care of all that now. Don't worry about the legalities.
I'll think about Rick every time I shop (in an adjacent state) and am annoyed because I can't figure out what this item costs! This just happened to me today.
Many gentle hugs.
CaptainTruth
(6,594 posts)Ahpook
(2,750 posts)My wife passed on in her late thirties and it tore my heart out.
I wish there were healing words to magically heal your pain. This is the new you, though. This is your history and has changed you.
Every second that goes by will reveal new answers on how to live the next part of your life.
spooky3
(34,461 posts)sinkingfeeling
(51,461 posts)PatrickforO
(14,578 posts)It is said that to be born is to be set upon the road to death. This world is cruel that way.
Still, it sounds like Rick left the world a better place because he lived. I too have been a caregiver from time to time, and it is very hard. The love you have for the person you're caring for keeps it from being too hard, I suppose, but it is difficult nonetheless. To care for his wife with ALS for six years was a heroic act of love, and seeing that you are taken care of, well - that's the act of a man who loved you very much. It speaks well of you.
Again I'm sorry. May Rick rest in peace, and may you get through your grief.
Dem2theMax
(9,651 posts)Rick sounds like he was an incredibly wonderful man. And we all know that you are an incredibly wonderful woman, so it absolutely makes sense that you found each other again after all of these years.
When I lost both of my parents, five months apart, I did not know what to do with myself. And I finally learned that I had to be kind to my soul. And that is the advice I would give to you. Be kind to yourself, and take care of yourself. And know that we are all here for you.
iluvtennis
(19,863 posts)pazzyanne
(6,556 posts)JHan
(10,173 posts)in2herbs
(2,945 posts)democrank
(11,096 posts)Hope you can feel this hug Im sending you.
murielm99
(30,745 posts)I hope this does not sound insensitive, but please visit the DU Bereavement group. They are wonderful helpers, having all experienced losses themselves.
calimary
(81,335 posts)Not everyone is so lucky as to have a friendship so enduring.
kag
(4,079 posts)Take care of yourself, and know that your DU family are keeping you in our thoughts.
revmclaren
(2,524 posts)and it emotionally devastated me for a time and put me on a completely different path.
Fight for what you know is right. Keep yourself strong.
We at DU are always here.
mnhtnbb
(31,395 posts)greatauntoftriplets
(175,743 posts)I hope that the sisters don't contest the will. Sounds to me like he really wanted you to have his estate because you loved each other so deeply.
barbtries
(28,799 posts)it was unexpected, that makes it harder i think...he took care of you. Strength to you to face the coming days. I am sure you will do him proud.
yonder
(9,668 posts)Lady Freedom Returns
(14,120 posts)I don't know what to say.
Maraya1969
(22,486 posts)The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,754 posts)JohnnyLib2
(11,212 posts)Life can be so cruel. Much love, sympathy and support from here,Catbyte.
FakeNoose
(32,656 posts)This will be a hard thing to get through, but I have no doubts that you'll be able to handle.
All the best to you dear!
woodsprite
(11,916 posts)It's hard losing a loved one when you have time to prepare, much harder when it's unexpected. Sending prayers, love, and hugs your way.
Bayard
(22,105 posts)But so wonderful that you found each other again after all those years.
Remember the love.
JudyM
(29,251 posts)but hell always be close in that big, resonant heart of yours. I feel so bad for your pain, wishing you moments of peace where you can breathe even when things are at their most raw. ((Hug))
ZZenith
(4,124 posts)femmedem
(8,203 posts)All I've got is
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)I truly am. You have my deepest condolences. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Please check in with us and let us know how you are doing.
marble falls
(57,114 posts)lot of folks here sending you energy.
voteearlyvoteoften
(1,716 posts)Stargazer09
(2,132 posts)Sending you lots of hugs as you cope with his sudden absence in your life.
sellitman
(11,607 posts)Try to remember that you made his life complete and realize that not many of us ever find the soul mate you did.
Fla Dem
(23,697 posts)ColesCountyDem
(6,943 posts)lillypaddle
(9,581 posts)and probably for a good while on. So very sorry for your loss. Wishing you the best in the days ahead, and hoping Rick's wishes are fulfilled.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)What a wonderful, loving man for you to have in your life, loving you and taking such good care of your heart and your future. You must have been just as special and important in his life.
The documented stages of grief are real so remember to give yourself the space and time to go through them. I know all of us here on DU are here for you anytime and all time. I lost my son a few years ago and DU has been there for me whenever I reached out. The comfort of that is immense.
And if his family gives you any crap were all here for you in that too. As you know we have experts on everything here if you need advice!
Hugs to you.
Gothmog
(145,349 posts)SWBTATTReg
(22,144 posts)obviously felt highly enough of you and your abilities and friendship to gift you these precious gifts (in his mind) to you vs. his family.
So far, you are on the right path, in dealing w/ such an unexpected gift by lining up an estate attorney right off the bat. One suggestion which I'm sure you already know is to get or line up a good friend or two, and have them be your cheerleaders in the event you have to dealt with the unpleasant younger sister (or any other unpleasantness too). They will help lift up your spirits too. I too, have a couple in my family that I suspect would be difficult to deal with should something happen to me and we undertaken all of the steps we can in advance to try and eliminate most of any future potential unpleasantness.
DU is of course, an excellent spot to go to. Keep in contact with DU please for we treasure the pictures and stories of our animal friends that you provide to us. They bring out the best in all of us.
pandr32
(11,594 posts)...and I hope you won't find yourself in a fight with his family. I wish you strength and that the memories and bond you and Rick shared will buoy you through whatever comes.
orangecrush
(19,581 posts)area51
(11,912 posts)ploppy
(2,162 posts)N_E_1 for Tennis
(9,747 posts)As we are forest today hiking to our daily communion with life and the spirits there we will offer a gift to them asking them to watch over you and ease your grief.
Be well, catbyte.
MLAA
(17,300 posts)You bring great joy to others with your wonderful animal posts. I wish I could bring some comfort to you. Here is a video of sweet baby animals.
https://m.
kanda
(175 posts)So very sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself in the coming days. Grief comes in waves, randomly. Very good to hear you're consulting with an estate attorney. Even if the sisters don't raise a fuss right now, it could come later and best to have the legalities settled before then. Sending you peace.
Totally Tunsie
(10,885 posts)I hope you're able to find peace in your memories.
Collimator
(1,639 posts)The immediate aftermath of a loss is so weird. First, you are overwhelmed emotionally, then you are forced to shift gears and handle the logistics. Then, suddenly, the logistics are overwhelming and your grief surges again. It can be exhausting.
As for the depth of the loss you feel, and the love you felt, I can make no comment. I both envy you and sorrow for you. I would say, "Stay strong", but if weak is where you need to be at a given moment, don't beat yourself up about it.
Silver Gaia
(4,544 posts)Much LOVE to you. May PEACE be with you.
Take care of yourself.
cp
(6,640 posts)Catbyte, your big heart is clear from your posts. My dog and I love your videos. We send our love in this weird time. Please take good care of yourself, and let your friends help. Big hug!!
Chicagogrl1
(419 posts)I know the words of sorry & sympathy are not enough. Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story. Sending you ❤️ & strength during this trying time. Stand strong & do what you feel is best. After all Rick knew you were the one to handle everything. What an honor. Please take care of yourself & seek help when needed.
karin_sj
(810 posts)I read your story from start to finish and am so sorry that you lost Rick so suddenly and so soon after rekindling your love for one another. But thank goodness you did find each other and have those wonderful years together, although they were cut short. I hope that his sisters don't cause problems for you. For them to not even show up at his funeral is very sad. I don't understand why they wouldn't want to meet you and get to know the woman who gave him so much happiness after he went through the heartbreak and sadness of losing his first wife though such a long, devastating illness.
Take care of yourself and know that many people here are thinking of you. You have another family here of caring people. Again, I'm sorry you're going through this.
wryter2000
(46,051 posts)It must be awful to lose someone so suddenly. I hope you have a great attorney and they can take the stress of dealing with the sister off your shoulders. One or more of the other sisters may be an ally in that regard.
Thank you for all the pet videos. I hope you find some comfort posting them.
bluestarone
(16,982 posts)Wishing you the best.
UniqueUserName
(178 posts)Hi Catbyte, I'm sorry for your loss. I'm similarly bereaved. My husband died a little over a month ago.
How are you processing the grief? I never lost a love so close before. I feel trapped in unreality where everything anyone has ever said about death feels both cliche and personal.
Being a Do-It-Yourselfer, I've scoured the internet for self-help. One helpful nugget the internet has provided was the suggestion, "remove or avoid your triggers." Oh boy could I never have imagined "triggers" before. Triggers are things that cause you to breakdown into uncontrollable grief. My husband was the victim of bad medical procedures. Before the operations, he was walking 3 miles a day for pleasure and his job required him to walk an additional 2 miles daily. He was bedridden for half a year following the procedures. This all started in late September of last year (2018). Since his death, I have had to remove all of his medical equipment from the house, because it was causing me distress every time I saw it.
But other triggers were more random and bizarre. Just 2 days ago I realized I can't go to "our" grocery store---too many memories----That was our favorite bread-----too many automatic choices that I now have to reject-----I can't buy such-n-such because it's family-sized. Although the two of us could consume it and it stay fresh earlier, I could never finish it by myself.
My husband was 49, nearly 50. The thought of doing things alone doesn't bother me. The thought of doing things without him does bother me. We were never joined at the hip. We often did our own thing. But the nice part was coming together and relating a personal experience to someone who completely understands me, someone who could process that information and give a germane comment that reflected understanding and fresh perspective.
I don't have that. I have lost that person who knows me so completely. I don't think it possible to want that again----You and I know that this loss is making me romanticize the relationship------But I don't know that I have the energy left to form a similar bond again. I had something special. It is gone.
I know he's better off. My husband had the best attitude. He always assumed "I can do this." In September 2018, he had a minor stroke. He recovered to within 99% of his former self within a week. The medical establishment deemed that he had a growth on his heart valve that had caused the stroke. The medical establishment told him he needed surgery. During surgery they injected him with a substance that (according to the internet) basically kills one out of 100 recipients. (There is an alternative but it is much more expensive). His body's reaction to the injection caused his feet and his dominant hand to die. Within two months a man, alive and vital, lost both feet and one hand. Dear Husband (DH) maintained his can-do attitude.
Mid-March DH was to get prosthetic feet. He began feeling nauseated. I took DH to the ER one March Wednesday. The ER held him a night and sent him home the next day diagnosed as "being de-hydrated". I took him to a different ER on the very next Sunday. The second ER said that DH had growths throughout his body and probably had a blood cancer. Let me re-iterate; DH spent nearly TWO months in hospital in October and November. He spent an additional 10 days in December while that "world-class" hospital chopped off his hand and both feet. That "world-class" hospital failed to find the cancer, even while DH lost three limbs because the premium medicine was too expensive.
DH died later Sunday night in March just six months past his initial problems. I am being evasive because I have pending litigation.
So, the entire time, the "world class" hospital was advising to exercise, eat right, maintain a positive outlook. . . while my husband was dying with cancer. I was telling him to "exercise, eat right, maintain a positive outlook"-----rather than emphasizing his comfort and seeking out hospice care. I thought DH was going to be fine, even though he would be walking on prosthetic feet. He believed the doctors too. He was shocked by the final ERs observation. The preliminary autopsy results agree with the final ER. I haven't received the final autopsy results.
We had 22 years together. We were married for the last three----the laws wouldn't allow earlier. I see no evidence for eternal life. I think DH probably kept a yearning for it. I maintained for 22 years that it was OK to have a starting and an ending boundary. The value of a life lived is eternal---- even if the life itself has a beginning and ending. I don't look at a painting and think, "oh why, why doesn't the painting extend beyond the canvas?" I look at the boundaries as an opportunity to include what is important within these boundaries.
-----------But that's not how it works when you are forced to face the ending of your most-beloved. It feels like unbounded grief. I know that can't be true though. I am not in unbounded grief. Although I don't see an end to this darkness, I remember a time before.
The internet tells me that about 100 billion humans have already faced this situation before me. Wrap your mind around that. 100 billion humans have gone on before us. There must be a tomorrow.
samnsara
(17,623 posts)catbyte
(34,408 posts)UpInArms
(51,284 posts)Strength and peace to you
IADEMO2004
(5,556 posts)susanna
(5,231 posts)I am so very sorry for your loss.
I am thankful that you and Rick found each other again. His trust in you must have been immense to leave you as executor and heir, and I am sure he did so with an honest heart. He knew you loved him and would do your best to do right by him.
You have been put into a very difficult spot: grieving (as you must) and trying to understand why he left so much to you, with a family that may likely cause trouble.
I hope for the very best for you. I know you are smart - been on DU a long time, and you have always made me think. Do your best to fight for what Rick wanted, even when it hurts. I did that for my youngest sister, and the wounds are still there with my family. But my promises to her (and my integrity) were never really up for negotiation.
Hoping for peace and strength for you as you navigate this difficult situation. Sending you many virtual s