and ignore mother to the extent possible.

(I have some 'ignore' going on in my family, and often its the best/only way to handle things.)

Best of luck.

get some! Mom needs to be told to get off it. Do what you feel you should, and don't let a sink get in your way. Is he getting better or worse? That info might help you decide what to do now.

Last year my dad had major heart complications and was in for emergency quadruple bypass, in ICU etc. My mother was similarly badly behaved about my concern for him AND my stepmother (who I really like). I did the following:

1. Let my mom just vent and do her usual snarky comments including the "why are you going? He's in ICU, he's not even going to care if you're there!" I've had a LOT of experience deflecting this stuff - sometimes it gets to me more than others. But I found it's best to simply try to ignore it and not respond. Dead phone space works. I literally just don't say anything in response. When she says "hello? are you still there?" I am distracted and say something like "sorry, I was cleaning up the cat vomit on the carpet...." and then I'm quiet again. After a while of no responses (or extremely distracted ones that indicate I'm not paying any attention to her rants but wasn't rude enough to stop her dead) to her tirades, she does ultimately stop.

2. As for evaluating the situation with your dad, you probably have more power than you think. Will your dad or stepmother provide you with access to the doctors/nurses? If your dad or her will give permission for you to get updates whenever you call, you can bypass her altogether and get the information straight from the people right there. Not all ICU's work this way but its worth a shot. I did go. And I'm glad I went. My stepmother needed breaks and needed to go home and know that someone was there for him while she left. She also really wanted to bounce ideas and questions off someone else (me). My dad was so out of it he honestly didn't even know I was there (anesthetic psychosis) but he was deeply grateful once he was lucid.

Overall being there was the right thing to do for me and brought all of us closer. My mom will eternally be angry and snide so it didn't change any dynamic with us.

He's your Dad. Forget the mundane stuff like sinks and floors, and for the short term--for the purposes of this discussion only--what do you feel is best to do? Your mom has her opinions that she has expressed, but I'm not getting a clear sense of what you will feel best about doing. If you feel you need to be there, then don't side step it--just GO. If you honestly think your trip there will be a negative for him or for you, then stay at home. It might be that you feel he's out of danger at this point, and if so, maybe you do not need to be there--ONLY you know how you feel about this.

I lost my Dad a few years ago to heart disease, and it was an awful painful process to watch. There were times in there that I just wanted to run away. The bottom line, however, was he was my Dad, and if my presence meant anything to him at all, it was worth it to me to be with him. I was there when he died--we all were--and I will always carry that with me for the rest of my life. I think I might have felt a lot of guilt had I NOT been with him, and I certainly am glad I got to tell him one last time how much I loved him...

FWIW, I'm not sure I'd buy into the argument that the ICU rules will not allow you any time with him. In my experience, hospital staff are usually extremely compassionate people that will do all they can to take care of both the patient and their family. I always suspected that a lot of that compassion was there in cases where they felt the family was a benefit to the patient. If you all are sitting in the room screaming at each other they will act to keep the atmosphere as mellow as possible for the patients. If you all are sitting together talking, praying, or even just sitting quietly with him they are usually pretty good about letting you have time together.

Please, do not feel that you have to answer my questions--I pose them for your thought only and have no desire to put you on the spot. You are hurting and scared enough right now . I am sorry.



Laura

yet. I wish I had more information. Is he in ICU only because they can't get his BP up as step-mom said or is the hospital not sure what he has and that's way he is in ICU to kind of protect the rest of th hospital.

I want to be where I would be the most helpful and useful. Part of me would got to give my step-mom a back up support but another part of me doesn't want to end up getting under my step-mom's foot considering I would need to fly out there we would have only one car. Does it become more of bother or help.

Does that make sense?

A lot of hospitals will not release information over the phone regarding ANYTHING--some don't even want to confirm if somebody is a patient there. They argue it is patient privacy, and I guess that makes sense. Well, it makes sense until you are a great distance away from your loved one and you freaking NEED information to make decisions, anyway...

If you really want to know the score you can always try calling your Dad's nurse there at the nurse's station in the ICU ward. They are maybe gonna give you some static that they can't tell you anything about his condition in spite of the fact that you have identified yourself as his daughter. You can then ask them if they can let you talk to your dad or even your step mom so they can confirm for them that you are ok to release info to regarding his condition. Once you explain to them that you are calling from a distance and you are trying to make the decision about coming to be with him I'm betting they are gonna try and help you if they can. If you are unsure about what is REALLY happening with your dad, that would be one way to get some information from somebody that knows what really is going on, isn't exhausted, or scared bloodless.

I really am sorry you are dealing with this.





Laura