Study Finds Fewer Americans Than Ever Believe In Snoopy

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the rapidly shifting nature of the country’s demographics, a new Pew Research Center poll released Thursday found that only 60% of Americans believe in Snoopy.

“Our data revealed that in the past decade alone, there has been a 15% increase in adults who identify as either doubting or entirely rejecting the literal truth of Snoopy’s existence,” said Pew senior researcher Craig Pujols, citing significant factors in the decline such as science’s role in forcing Americans to question the feasibility of a traditionally defined Snoopy that sleeps atop a doghouse or springs up on his hind legs and dances for joy after hearing a jazz-inflected piano number.

“Of course, many in this nation still express faith that Charlie Brown had a pet beagle of some kind and that there are real allegorical lessons to be learned from his battles with the Red Baron—after all, this is still a Peanuts nation we’re talking about.”

Pujol also noted that because of the significant historical evidence of Woodstock’s existence, there were far more Americans who expressed the importance of the happy yellow bird’s teachings in leading their lives.

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