If she is an adult she will handle it in an adult manner

Second ask her about who your "friend" and don't hide the fact that, at this time, you regard him as such

Third, this,

A mutual friend confided in me that his reputation at that school has spread "like wildfire." Not to long before this, i got the impression that he thought not to many people knew about his activities, so to speak.

Apparently, he doesn't realize how much girls talk to each other.

You wouldn't have to make a speech, just ease into it, mention that you're sorry she's leaving and that you'd like to keep in touch, that sort of thing, and see how she reacts. That way you can decide exactly how to approach her and it would be an appropriate way to get on the subject. It's certainly possible she has feelings for you, too, so you should give her - and yourself - a chance while you can. That's how I would handle it, anyway. Good luck!

It would alienate me if someone tried to spill their guts instead of just showing there could be more if it was accepted.

Worst case, you'll creep her out, and she'll be uncomfortable seeing you again in the future, whenever that might be.

Best case (assuming that you're correct in assessing her feelings), you'll create a barrier that will always sort of be there when you see her in the future. You'll always be "that guy who has feelings" for her.

You'll still be "that guy," even if you don't profess those feelings, but if you can keep yourself under control and can still act as a friend to her, then she won't know that you're "that guy."

Ask yourself which you value more: her continued friendship, or whatever it is that you might gain by telling you that your feelings are deeper.

We're both going places and will continue to meet other people.

You don't want to be the "nice guy." If you like her, go for it. Might it ruin your friendship? Yep. If sure might, but it might not. I've had it go both ways. If you don't want to be just friends, why pretend that you want to be friends? How is that any different than being in a romantic relationship that you don't want to be in? Would you not say anything then and keep the status-quo because you didn't like the situation? I doubt it.

For one thing, he said that it's likely that they won't see each other for quite a while, so she'll weigh that factor in making her decision. Also, he has the issue of his friend to contend with; she may be leery of getting involved with him after a less than great experience with the friend.

And he needs to determine what he's willing to risk in the deal. If he values the friendship as is, to a degree that he's not comfortable rolling the dice, then he needs to consider that.

It's nothing at all like staying in a romantic relationship. In that case, you're lying about feelings that the other person thinks you share. In this case, he's withholding feelings that he's pretty confident the other person doesn't share.

In any case, it's more complicated than a simple "go for it" can resolve.

I really don't know if it's that different that staying in a romantic relationship. Relationships are hard to define, but we know that we have different types. It sucks when you want one kind by the other person wants another. Sometimes you can know that you have feelings of one sort but go with it anyway.

Sure, there are cases where "go for it" is likely very bad advice. For instance, it's really probably not a good idea for me to go for it with my best friend's niece, however much she and I may like each other. That sounds pretty different from this situation though.

What I really disagree with you on is the idea about keeping your feelings bottled up AND trying to stay friends. I just don't think much good comes of that. I think it's like pulling off a band-aid - just do it. It might hurt, but it will be over sooner. Keeping one's feelings secret leads to at least one person being hurt.

Last edited Mon Dec 24, 2012, 12:16 AM - Edit history (1)

What puzzles me is that you're essentially telling him "ignore her feelings and work to serve your own."

It might be different if he suspected that she felt the same, or even if he had no idea of her feelings, but he stated that he doesn't believe she feels the same for him.

If he values the current friendship (which he appears to do) and if she values the current friendship (which she appears to do), then he needs to consider the very real chance that the friendship would be damaged or lost simply for the sake of professing feelings that she appears not to share.


I see no reason at all why they can't remain friends, as long as they truly are friends in addition to whatever feelings he has beyond that.

But, as you say, if they're really friends, this should be something they can talk about about.

One of my best friends in England is someone I've had other feelings for. She and I have discussed it multiple times (i.e., got into arguments), and now I think she was probably right. Her main reason for us staying just friends was that I was moving away, which I have done. The last time I was in England we spent a lot of time together and got along really well. I don't think that would have happened if we'd had a break-up or tried to make a long-distance (Yorkshire to Michigan long distance, not different parts of Texas long distance) relationship work.

After all, the south of Texas is full of regional airports from which DFW (take it from one who knows) is an hour or less away.

Many MANY years ago, at age 22, I met a girl who just completely blew me away. She was from another continent, spoke another language, looks, brains AND a completely unfettered personality--and had local guys lining up just for the chance to chase after her. My first reaction was, *sigh* no way. But then I thought, hell, even women like this one end marrying SOMEBODY, so why NOT me? That was 38 years ago. We are still together.

Not all fantasies remain fantasies.

Dude, you're a freak!

But she lives close-by (like about 6 inches). She's so used to my presence by now, she doesn't even realize the danger she's been in all this time.

It's ok to take a chance on love!

Either she'll be open to getting to know you better or you'll be able to move on without regrets, wondering what might have been.
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