I wish we all would remember that behind that screen name, behind the post, behind the comment, there is a real, live, human being, and we have no idea what that person has going on. Best wishes to you, my friend.

We all get busy. It's easy to respond in haste to a post without fully knowing or understanding its context. I am reminded of the old saying that pain depends on point of view.

Thank you for the good wishes.

Stop in when you can. Your contributions are valuable and missed.

I do indeed try to have the sweetest of dreams.

Thanks for sending some my way.

Even if you just stop by and read the headlines, it's a bit of a break from RL.

Gram is in her last days/hours right now. DU is keeping me sane and connected.

Sending warm thoughts to you and your Gram.

RL can be so painful and so stressful sometimes. And at other times, unspeakably beautiful

and it's nice to see you, Coyote_Bandit.

My best to you and your dad. Stop in when you can.

for the warm thoughts.

I'll stop in when I can.

All I can tell you is that is does get better at some point.

Try to find even a hour for yourself, that is important.

Is there a senior center nearby for you and your Dad.

I would say the senior center is almost for you, you need some time for yourself.

It is easy to get burnt out taking care of a parent.

You may have force your Dad to go, it would be good for him.

Bless you for what you are doing.

but we have not been there just yet. Getting there requires travelling through some fairly heavy traffic and there is nothing resembling meaningful public transportation here. Dad thinks he is perfectly capable of continuing to drive safely and does not want me to take him there. He really shouldn't be driving at all and especially not in heavy traffic. He has issues with (1) double vision, (2) limited mobility in his neck and shoulders which inhibit his ability to turn to see traffic, (3) some hearing impairment, (4) generally slow physical responses, and (5) some cognitive impairment. He has an upcoming appoointment with his eye doctor and I am hopeful that issue will be addressed at that time. I understand that a long-time family friend who is considerably older than dad has contacted the doctors office to express concern about his ability to drive. That said, he will be devastated by this additional loss of independence. For the most part he has been willing to let me assume driving responsibilities but I have also found myself having to hide car keys on several occassions.

Getting dad to go to a senior center is on my list of priorities because he is really very social and would do much better around other people his age. I am hopeful that once he re-engages with other seniors that he will consider some alternaqtive forms of senior housing.

On most days dad is in bed from about 9 pm to 9 am which gives me some time to myself here at the house. I try to make good use of that time. Mornings are usually devoted to trying to keep up with what is going on in the world and planning and scheduling various things. I spend time in the evenings with my dogs or watching tv or talking to friends on the phone.

I have a friend who travels to visit and stay with dad several days at a time which enables me to occassionally have a few days out of the house.

Thank you for your encouraging words.

The Senior Center my parents went had a taxi pick them up and bring them back.

My Father couldn't drive anymore so the taxi ride was good for them.

Your Father needs to get out of the house and you need some space.

But generally speaking taxi service here is inadequate for the demand.

Thanks for the suggestion.

In Alberta, the situation may be very different..but I spoke to Dad's physician, when he was in hospital, about my concern re my Dad's continuing driving..he was in his 80's at the time..

The Dr. was surprised..'Your Dad told me he sold his car'.

'Well' I said, 'he bought another one'.

So the Dr said, no driving..until my Dad completed a driving test part of which tested reflexes etc on a computer simulation.
But the test avoided the Dr himself saying .'No driving ever'. The decision depended on non arbitrary test results.

I just wondered whether you could contact your Dad's Eye doctor before the appointment..so you could voice your worry about his driving...when your Dad is not there to hear..

It makes you feel like a complete skunk, unfortunately... It is such a delicate situation..

What a wonderful son you have been...

I understand that one of dad's 92 year old friends who is a patient of the same eye doctor has made a similar call. His eye appointment is tomorrow. It's likely to be a difficult day and, yes, I feel responsible. I also feel responsible to protect him from hurting himself and those who share the road with him.

My Dad sailed through eye exams... He had memorized the chart! Perhaps it was that he had memorized the eye chart at the motor vehicle bureau ... because they would do an eye test before renewing his licence (Alberta)

for your Dad.

Dad has enough dementia and cognitive issues that I don't think he could pull that off. I could be wrong about that however.

Our senior center has a small van that they pick people up in. Also there are glasses that correct double vision - take a look at the ones Hillary is wearing. He needs an ophthalmologist for the special glasses.

I will chgeck and see if there is a van available to pick him up.

The special glasses that correct double vision were discussed at his eye appointment. Unfortunately, they will not work for him. But they might be of some help if his double vision gets worse especially his central vision.

Thanks for the suggestion.

cat naps. movies. books. glass of wine. savor the moments.

Cat naps? Yes, definitely.

Movies? Yes, but limited mostly to broadcast movies and the occasional Redbox rental.

Books? Yes, definitely.

Glass of wine? Don't I wish. This is a dry county and dad is a teetotaler. But I do confess to keeping a small stash of alcohol in the closet for the occasional drink before bed.

Savor the moments? Yes, yes, yes. Priceless.

We will always be here for you...

Thank you.

I understand what your dad is going through as I went through it myself when my DH died. It took me five years to pull out of it. During that time I went through various illnesses and thought maybe I would be joining him soon, but I got better. Time does heal. Keep some hope that he will finally find something that makes him enjoy life again. Try to get him to eat better if you can but actually grief has to play out in its own way and its own time. I'm sending you and your dad positive thoughts.

died less than three years ago. He committed suicide while going through some domestic turmoil. I don't think either of my parents ever recovered from that. After he died they realized that he was likely bipolar and they faulted themselves for not pushing him to get the help he had in fact already refused. He and dad worked together for many years.

Mom's death is a grief compounding another grief. I do realize that it takes time to heal. My concern is that dad viewsw his losses as so significant and monumental that he simply doesn't want to re-engage in life and find a reason to live.

Thank you for your warm and positive thoughts.

I know that there are times in life when we don't have the time we would like to have for things we enjoy. You have been through a lot, and it sounds like you have more to come. It won't be easy, and you know that if you have to blow off steam, or need some loving, we are here.

Some times, there is nothing that we can do for people we love. You are doing what you can, but you cannot force your father to do anything. Don't beat yourself up over that.

And remember to take care of yourself too.....caregivers often forget this in the hectic schedules that they keep.

There are a lot of good caring compassionate people here at DU.

I'll be back. I'll try not to whine too much and I'll probably need some advice from time to time.

It's a very tough job.

I knew it was a tough job.

I think only the people who have done it really understand many of the challenges.

That I will be able to come more often.

you too!

Thank you. I'm trying to take care of myself.

Keep trying, it will get easier. Kinda'

You have been missed.

I've really missed and I think I lurked there every time I had the briefest opportunity to visit DU.

I especially miss C&B and owe you a great deal of gratitude. I got lots of good tips that helped me prepare foods for mom while she was going through chemo. And I had a mental file of ideas and inspiration that have made food prep fun.

I'm playing with schedules and such and hoping I really can be here and in C&B more often.

You really described a part of your life I'll bet we could all relate to. Surely yours is the role to carry now, and later... we'll, later we'll probably all be waiting to hear of your travels.

Always best shared in a place like this, I look forward to future for you and me and all at DU!

and I'm looking forward to being able to spend more time here.

Thanks for your support - and for looking forward to that future.

See it from the South Rim...

Inside Passage of Alaska (Glacier Bay)

Train through the Rocky Mt...

???

you are a WONDERFUL PERSON Coyote and we are here for you!

went well, or as well as could be...

That double vision was discussed and documented. Again. Dad had double vision a year or so ago when he was in to see this same eye doctor. During the last year Dad consulted his family doctor. The cause of his vision problem seems to be neurological rather than optical - likely related to some pinched nerves in his neck and shoulders resulting from arthritis caused by an old injury. Neither doctor really wants him to drive - but neither seems particularly willing to intervene. At this most recent appointment his eye doctor told him he really didn't want him to drive - but he could drive short distances if he promised to close one eye or wear an eye patch to address the issue of double vision. He did point out that doing so would mean that Dad would have no depth perception. And he tried to tell Dad that his response time had slowed.

Thanks for thinking of us. Looks like I will be misplacing keys a while longer.

A nurse who was a neighbour did say to my Dad, years before he stopped driving..never to drive after dusk, and only during times of low traffic..

I remember a doctor saying when he visited the local Home for the Aged( how great you are to spare your Dad that..for awhile at least). No sooner would he enter the common room than an elder resident who was fairly scrambled, thinking wise, would yell out 'there's the man that took my Drivers Licence away...it was a bit unnerving for the physician.. And the gentleman never forgot..

I'm sorry your Dad has double vision...because that may make reading harder for him...

Though they do make books with big print. On an iPad one can enlarge text size and brightness...but one needs dexterity to open/close tabs...

Best of Luck...with your Dad...the missing keys sounds like a great idea... My neighbour has a little therapy dog...well that is what she calls 'Angel' who is little bundle of happiness..and loves to sit close to or on a person...she is very light/ weight wise..
And her personality seems to be constantly one of utter joy. She brightens everything around her...but a commitment..

Take care... your Dad. :

You have definitely rxceeded that,

It was my younger brother who committed suicide a few years ago. He was the young prince and his death devastated my parents. During the last few months I have often wondered whether they would have preferred him to be their caregiver rather than me. Given that context, your comment has special meaning to me. Thank you.

such as one of your nieces or nephews?

but they are minors and not yet able to drive much less care for Dad.

That said, they have been coming at least twice a week and their mother has been trying to find excuses for Dad to have reason to help them with various things. We are hoping that an on going relationship with his grandkids will help him find a reason to want to live. Hasn't happened yet but it is not because those kids and their mother are not making an on-going sincere effort. The mother has her own parents to care for - as well as a teenage step-daughter with a newborn.

support. If he's a tea drinker, see if you can get him to take some tea with passionflower as an ingredient -- that stuff is nature's "Fuckitall" pill. Definitely a mood improver.

I feel for you--I can't tell you how thrilled I have been over the last few years to learn that hospitals have good internet access these days--I have accessed the net (and DU) from a seat by a hospital bed more times than I can shake a stick at.

It's one of the downsides of aging...all your friends and relatives are getting older, too.

Mom refused all the Ensure products and various nutritional and dietary supplements as well. She would not ever take a multi-vitamin.

The tea? That could work. Dad's a tea drinker and he is adventourous enough to try out different kinds and flavors of tea. Adding that tea to my shopping list.

Thanks.

I have no idea how it tastes, though, but it might be worth a try. It looks like it could substitute for breakfast juice or a beverage w/lunch or supper:

http://ensure.com/products/ensure-clear

I swear by passionflower on a lousy day--you can buy it in pill form in Brazil; I haven't seen it here done up that way... but if you're on a flight with a noxious seatmate and a screaming baby, take one or two of those and it's as good as "Calgon, Take Me Away!"

Hang in there--it ain't easy.

I have some that is the dried herb packed in gelcaps brand Eclectic Institute. I dump out 90% and take the remaining 10% (in the gelcap, loose it sticks to the throat etc.) and get an effect. YMMD.

I like the ability to deploy the stuff "situationally!"

Feeling a bit stressed, annoyed, irritated, bummed out, or on edge? Take one Fukitol and call me in the morning!

I like my relatives, but (like in most families) there are one or two who can thin my patience rather quickly. When I know I'll be seeing them, I medicate appropriately with the proper herb, and my mood is substantially improved!