Man of Steel, Woman of Tissue Paper

(later changed to “woman of Kleenex”) is a funny and famous (among sf fans) essay written in the early 1970s by science fiction writer Larry Niven that tries to follow the implications of what would happen if Superman actually were able to bed a girlfriend like Lois Lane.

Here are a few excerpts with the full essay at the link:

“…What arouses Kal-El's mating urge? Did kryptonian women carry some subtle mating cue at appropriate times of the year? Whatever it is, Lois Lane probably didn't have it. We may speculate that she smells wrong, less like a kryptonian woman than like a terrestrial monkey. A mating between Superman and Lois Lane would feel like sodomy-and would be, of course, by church and common law. …”

(…)

“…Ejaculation of semen is entirely involuntary in the human male, and in all other forms of terrestrial life. It would be unreasonable to assume otherwise for a kryptonian. But with kryptonian muscles behind it, Kal-El's semen would emerge with the muzzle velocity of a machine gun bullet. (*One can imagine that the Kent home in Smallville was riddled with holes during Superboy's puberty. And why did Lana Lang never notice that?*) …”

(…)

“…Within her body there are still tens of millions of frustrated kryptonian sperm. The single egg is now too diffuse to be a target. The sperm scatter. They scatter without regard to what is in their path. They leave curved channels, microscopically small. Presently all will have found their way to the open air.That leaves LL with several million microscopic perforations all leading deep into her abdomen. Most of the channels will intersect one or more loops of intestine. Peritonitis is inevitable. LL becomes desperately ill. Meanwhile, tens of millions of sperm swarm in the air over Metropolis. …”

http://www.rawbw.com/~svw/superman.html