The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support Forumshow would you feel if
your husband/wife had died a month ago and when you called your sister to talk she said "i can only talk to you for 5 minutes -- the bachelorette is going on". i said "can you call me when it's over"? she said "it's a 2 hour special -- i'll be too tired".
your thoughts?
lunatica
(53,410 posts)Is this you or someone you know?
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)my husband had passed less than 2 months before.
i usually don't post in the lounge but i felt it would be inappropriate to put it in general discussion. was i right?
MiddleFingerMom
(25,163 posts).
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Did she spend time talking with you about it at other times or was she
generally and usually unsupportive?
.
Had she been drinking? I assume bachelorette to mean "party" -- she
may have felt unfit to talk with you in her present state-of-mind...
which would actually have been VERY thoughtful of her.
.
Did you have other avenues of support? If she were the main and/or
only, she may have simply been having a bad day herself and might
be worthy of a little break for this time.
.
But if it were a "normal" thing -- or one of the few or only times you
reached out to her, I could see where it would be very disappointing.
.
But remember, some of us are simply terrible when dealing with the
issue of death in general.
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.
.
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DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)2 of those times she brought up politics. she's a repub and told me why she couldn't vote for a dem. i didn't want to discuss politics while my husband was dying.
the bachelorette is a reality tv show.
i had a few people who were supportive -- mostly the few friends i have. i'm 71 -- not much family left. no family here in phoenix -- 2 friends here -- 1 is disabled and agoraphobic. she did come to the emergency room the night my husband was admitted. got her daughter to drive her.
my other friends are back in new york city. they've been great. one just came out to spend a long weekend with me a few weeks ago.
this particular sister said "after john dies -- i'll give you time to mourn and then i'll come out for a long weekend". i told her i would pay for her plane. it never happened.
MiddleFingerMom
(25,163 posts).
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Wait Wut
(8,492 posts)I'd let my sister know how horrible it made me feel, though. Depending on her response, I might start looking for a new sister. She could use the excuse that she wasn't thinking, had stuff on her mind, hit her head...
That's heartbreaking. My sister is one of the two most important people in my life. I honestly couldn't imagine. I hope you two can clear things up.
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)phone calls are brief. it's always "i'm on the way to ____", then a few minutes later it's "well i got here -- gotta go".
we had a screaming match on the phone and then the e-mails went back and forth. this same sister almost threw my mom out after my mom raised her 2 kids. sister met a new guy in another state and had to get rid of my mom and husband #2 so she could be with him.
i brought my mom to phoenix to live, but she was broken hearted. she kept saying "i want to die" and she did 5 years later.
i brought this up to my sister this weekend.
lastlib
(23,271 posts)Then I'd go talk to my dog; HE listens intently, and NEVER prejudges me.......unless I don't bring a treat......
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)after john passed i'd say to him all the time "it's just you and me -- are we going to be okay"? i found out in december that he has kidney disease. he's on a special diet and is 12. i can't imagine losing him.
Phentex
(16,334 posts)That's what DVRs are for!
I've known people to do this and I find it ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)know who will call and i don't want to be rude and say i'm watching tv.
In_The_Wind
(72,300 posts)I'm sorry for your loss and for the way your sister treated you.
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)removed it.
http://www.democraticunderground.com/10022838663
Moondog
(4,833 posts)Your relatives are pretty much luck of the draw.
Loryn
(945 posts)I'm also sorry you have such an insensitive sister.
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)Sekhmets Daughter
(7,515 posts)She is not worth the price of a postage stamp. I am so sorry you have such a self-centered, selfish sister...and sorrier still that you lost your husband.
They say that blood is thicker than water, your sister's callous indifference proves most families have at least one member with ice water running through their veins.
This has bothered you for a long time, bury it by burying your ties to her. You'll feel better when she is no longer able to hurt you. Then try to find a support group for widows. You'll probably be amazed at how many have faced similar experiences.
The Lounge is always a great place to bring your troubles and your joy...hope you find some of the latter quickly!
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)i'm actually kind of relieved that there will be no more interaction with her. the relationship can not be repaired and i don't want it to. i've had enough.
i'll try to post more in the lounge.
Sekhmets Daughter
(7,515 posts)Everyone will be happy to see you here!
pipi_k
(21,020 posts)I would feel very hurt.
Is she known to do things like that usually?
I have a sister who quite often says/does inappropriate things.
It took me a long time to realize she's not really an asshole. She just can't help it.
Anyway, on October 4, 2002, she called me to say that our dad was in the hospital and things didn't look so great. He was in pretty bad shape. A few minutes into the conversation, she totally switches tack and says, "But on the bright side, I just got two Chihuahuas".
I was incredulous and hung up on her after telling her to shove her Chihuahuas up her ass. OK...an overreaction...
A bit more than a week later she was among the family at the hospital when the doctor spoke about taking dad off of life support. My son was there and told me what happened....after going through the whole explanation, the doctor said, "Does anyone have any questions?" This same sister says, "Yeah...how do you housebreak two Chihuahua puppies?"
There is something seriously wrong with her brain. For real.
So either your sister has something wrong with her brain as well
or
She just could not handle the pain of knowing that YOU were in pain and that was her way of avoiding feelings she couldn't deal with.
I'm sorry for your loss and that your sister couldn't be there for you.
MrsBrady
(4,187 posts)or maybe she's been emotionally unavailable for years...
and you should expect that kind of behavior....
and maybe there could be someone else to talk to,
someone that WANTS to be there for you.
would that suck that your sister is so selfish....um yea....
but you can't fix that and you need to stick close to people
who are available to listen, especially with something so hard as
losing a spouse.
just my 2 cents, since you asked.
on edit: I hope you are taking care of yourself
HeiressofBickworth
(2,682 posts)I had a very similar experience. I was on a trip with a friend, we were in a hotel for the night, the hotel caught on fire. We left immediately, walked up the street and checked into a different hotel. Other than coughing a lot and being damned scared, we were ok. I called home to talk with my husband. I told him the hotel had caught on fire and that we were in a different hotel. He said, can I talk with you later, I'm watching a movie. It felt like a slap in the face.
So, it should have been no surprise to me a few years later when he said he didn't want to be married any more, packed up and left.
When someone you are close to lets you down emotionally, the lessons are hard. First, to recognize that there is no empathy and/or support from a source you counted on. Second, the realization that you can never rely on that person in the future. And third, figuring out how to create a support system for yourself with people with whom you have mutual respect and consideration.
Don't give up! There are worthwhile people in the world, you just need to find them.
DesertFlower
(11,649 posts)my first husband was a POS too. we stayed together 6 years.
my second husband was just the opposite. he loved me so much. even 10 hours before he passed when he was barely conscious he managed to say "i love you".
he's gone almost a year now, but i was fortunate to have someone love me as much as he did for almost 42 years.
i have a few amazing friends who really care about me.