A letter to my ex

I need you Jax. I want to hold you at night when we sleep and smell the nape of your neck. I want to hug you with total disregard for anything other than feeling you and being near you and knowing that I'm not alone. That you are here with me. No matter what.

It's not possible to go life alone anymore. Even a year ago I would have thought otherwise. I would have embraced my solitude. But now I have felt what it is like to not be alone. To be completely invested in another human being. Not just any human being though. To be invested in you Jax. I loved you, I still love you to some diminished degree, with a kind of enamored relaxation.

When I had problems in various places of my life, even when you could do nothing to help me, I had you and I had your ear and your heart and your love and your embrace. Within this was comfort and acceptance. Things I'd never truly felt in my past.

But beyond that I also loved loving you. You are intelligent beyond understanding and I am so enthralled by that fact. I loved sacrificing for you. I loved being there for you.

Even in the last few weeks when it seems you've pushed away. Even after you've said you don't feel the same way about me anymore, I cannot shake how I feel for you. I cannot simply will it to go away. I'm sure with time it will dull and eventually be lost. But I don't want it to dull and I want it forever. Even if this is naive. Even if I'm mocked for holding onto so dearly a relationship that lasted less than half a year.

You broke up with me on the 19th, on our 5 month anniversary. I know you were never good with such dates. But I remembered always. Not as some formality of being together but rather as a admittance of my time in a new reality. You helped me get there. And for that I am eternally grateful.

But I miss you Jax. I miss you more than I've ever missed anything in my life. And I am very sad right now trying to figure out what went wrong. How it failed. I can only hope you're doing the same.