Tears of laughter at this website. Thanksgiving side dishes at FOODSPIN.
Miz t. said "What the hell are you laughing at?
"You have to see this."
http://deadspin.com/how-to-make-a-thanksgiving-side-dish-a-guide-for-slack-5961433
Excerpt:
Cranberry Sauce
To begin with, open a can of cranberry sauce.
No, seriously.
Every Thanksgiving, in every family's grand feast, there's somebody who puts together some earnest, gorgeous relish made from fresh cranberries and hand-squeezed cranberry juice and orange zest and lemon juice and friggin' organic raw sugar he carried on his back in a sealed plastic bag as he swam back from his illegal trip to Cuba where he harvested it himself with the campesinos, oh the hale and humble campesinos and their merry field songs, and that's wonderful and all—and then you eat it and it's tasty and tart and bright, but it's not right, because it's not the can-shaped log of cranberry-flavored jelly and what you really want is the can-shaped log of cranberry-flavored jelly because the can-shaped log of cranberry-flavored jelly tastes like Thanksgiving, which is what you want Thanksgiving to taste like.
Open a can of cranberry sauce. Upend the can over a plate. After the log slides out and plops onto the plate, tip it onto its side and slice it into discs about as thick as your middle finger, which you will extend in hearty holiday greeting to anybody who gives you any side-eye about bringing a can-shaped log of cranberry-flavored jelly to Thanksgiving.
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So I constructed a rudimentary lathe that I can turn the cranberry log on and produce those nice equatorial grooves. Makes slicing into discs a lot easier too once you're half lit from trying to drown out Uncle George and Aunt Sally fighting in the family room over who had it rougher as kids. 
Put on the milling machine and turn out a helical gear!
but mealtime ought to be a hoot with them around.
