1. Seahawks win Super Bowl, and their stadium is condemned after the stomping of 200,000 pairs of feet during the victory rally causes huge structural cracks.
2. House of Representatives falls into Democratic hands as the voters in most states reject Teabagger doctrine once and for all. In Idaho Raul Labrador is replaced by an even more extreme teabagger.
3. Breastfeeding while smoking at Olive Garden allowed only if you also brought a pit bull who smokes crack and breads his chicken with corn flakes.
4. Colorado and Washington legislatures go into turmoil as lawmakers spar over how to spend all the marijuana tax revenues. In response, all the states that have medicinal marijuana either enact pot legalization or think very hard about it, while Fox News talking heads decry the destructive power marijuana has. "We don't understand it. They smoke pot once and never vote Republican again!" Idaho, of course, passes another law that says marijuana will never be legal in the state.
5. Speaking of Fox News, its female anchors start appearing nude after its fans claim Fox's biggest problem is "the girls you have on there just wear way too many clothes and not nearly enough makeup."
6. President Obama appoints Paul Krugman Secretary of the Treasury. Is immediately berated on Fox News by Grover Norquist after he goes on Rachel Maddow's show and announces, "if those stupid shits don't raise taxes on the rich and cancel the tax credits for offshoring labor we'll never get out of this recession." After Congress finally does it and it works, Norquist goes back on Fox and credits the genius of Reagan's fiscal policy for bringing America back to prosperity.
7. NASCAR racing becomes the favored sport of liberals nationwide after people learn that unlike football, basketball, soccer and baseball, the stadiums for stock car racing are built without public investment.
8. Joe Arpaio's Cold Case Posse finds President Obama's Kenyan birth certificate on line and sends it to Steve Stockman who immediately types up articles of impeachment. Stockman takes Arpaio out back and shoots him after he learns, to the Democrats' extreme delight, the attending physician at Obama's birth wasn't "I.P. Freely."
9. Because Obamacare is working like a machine, the GOP asks all its members to call it "Heritagecare" after the far-right think tank that invented it. Lee Ermey soon asks the government for royalties after the phrase "was John Boehner born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece of shit, or did he have to work at it?" goes viral when the president says it on the Sunday morning talk shows.
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