A piece of paper means nothing.

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An newly annointed angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place." So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head. "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been. "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously and said.....






(wait for it...)






"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

"How do you spell 'God'"?

The white man says "G-O-D," and St. Peter lets him in.

A black man arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says:

"How do you spell 'encyclopedia'"?


rocktivity

e-n-c-y-c-l-o-p-e-d-i-a

Of all the hard-to-spell words that could have ended up in that punchline, why you THINK "encyclopedia" got the honor?


rocktivity

and come to a hole with a gigantic water hazard across the fairway. The three archangels all agree they should lay up short of the water and try to cross it on their second shot. But God says, "Tiger Woods could clear that hazard on his tee shot, so I'm gonna try." He takes a mighty swing, and splash, His ball goes right into the water. God scratches his head, and says, "I'm sure I saw Tiger Woods hit a tee shot over the water on this very hole." So He tries again, takes a mighty swing, and splash, His second ball goes into the water. Stubbornly, He tries a third time, and lo, His third shot also lands in the water.

By this time, another foursome has come up to the tee, and one of the newcomers whispers to Michael, "What's with your friend? He can't clear that water hazard from here. Who does he think he is, God?"

"Worse than that," Michael answers. "He thinks He's Tiger Woods."

you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

to get into heaven. St. Peter said "How ever many times you cheated on your spouse will determine the kind of car you drive in heaven." He said "Never" and St. Peter sent him on his way in a Mercedes.

The next man was asked the same question, and he replied "Once, with my secretary, but in my defense, she was really distant during that part of our life together, but I confessed and we worked it out." St. Peter said, "Well that isn't good, but since you admitted it and came clean, here, you get a Ford Taurus." The man went on his way.

A third man approached the pearly gates, and admitted that he had strayed a multitude of times. He loved his wife dearly, but keeping it in his pants was impossible for him. St. Peter looked at him and said, son, you have betrayed your oath to your wife. As a result, you have a Yugo as your vehicle in heaven." The man bowed his head, knowing that he had no recourse but to accept the judgment of St. Peter. He was glad he made it into heaven in the first place.

The third man is riding along in his un-air conditioned Yugo, and he sees the man with the Mercedes crying by the side of the road. He stopped, and approached the car.

"You have a Mercedes, my friend, why are you weeping? Many would like to be in your circumstances." Putting a hand on the man's shoulder, the first man just continued weeping.

"I just saw my wife." He bawled even louder. "She was on a skateboard."