for example, we could say, "I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing. Have you tried such-and-such? It worked for a friend who went through something similar..." without going into any detail about the friend.

I don't know. Maybe they're asking for advice, but really just want sympathy. Not even empathy, but just "sorry...."

In every case, people were really hitting rock bottom. Maybe they were just so emotional that they wanted to lash out at something, and I was a convenient whipping dog?

because although you know what you are saying, you don't know what they are hearing.

If someone has never been in your situation before, it doesn't seem like they are the best person to ask for advice. Their advice may or may not be sound, but I'd rely more on someone who has been there and done that.

What I am about to do is an example. I just got a CPAP machine that I'll be using for the first time tonight. I have never used anything like it before. However, I have an uncle who has been using one for several years. I'm going to give him a call this afternoon so he can tell me what to expect. The nurse showed me the basics, but she has never used one before so she might not be the best person to ask for advice with getting comfortable with the machine.

I don't know what a CPAP machine is, but it makes sense to go talk to someone who has used it before.

Sleep apnea occurs when your airway closes off and you stop breathing or if there is partial obstruction which is what causes loud snoring. It causes oxygen levels in the blood to fall and you never really get into that restorative phase of sleep that makes you feel rested in the morning.

I have a friend that uses one. You are right that you need to hear it from someone who is familiar with the instrument.

My advice is keep your mask / nasal pillows, headgear and hose clean. Use your machines' humidifier, if you have one.

If you shave, and have a heavy beard, you might want to start shaving before you go to sleep.

CPAP Talk

I use a Hose Buddy and Snuggle Hose.

Pad a Cheek sells some nice accessories. I use their products.

Want to chat, PM me. Might take a while to reply, I'm not as active on DU as I used to be.

Last night was my first night and I did well. My nostrils were a little sore when I got up, but that dissipated after a few minutes. I use the nasal pillows.

I think it's possible that when you talk about your similar experiences, that it comes across as "stop complaining, we've all gone through this", or even "Oh yeah, well what I had was worse". I'm not saying that's what's going on, just that it's a possibility that you might be perceived that way.

In my experience, people suffering rarely want anything more than "Oh, you poor baby. How awful for you. Have a big hug". OK, that sounded more condescending that I intended, but I think it's true.

For the record, I only came to the US at 17, after having lived in several different countries. While we could have a long interesting discussion about cultural differences, I don't think this really is one.

All the best.

I will make a point of asking whether they want my advice, or just want me to listen. That way they will only have themselves to blame.

Oftentimes we tell someone about our troubles just to be heard. Oftentimes a well placed, "That's really rough," is all that's required. If they don't ask, specifically, what they should do, don't tell them.

Sometimes a person just wants to vent. They don't always expect solutions or advice. The fact that they trust you enough to listen is a good thing.

to share your opinion. Basically most people are narcissists. I keep my opinion to myself most of the time, it's just easier that way.

i learned about it in a psychology class i took on counseling.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reflective_listening

i think, very often, when someone is really down or having problems, they need to simply talk about it and they need someone to just listen as they vent or express their feelings.

they may not be looking for someone to solve the problem or try to fix the problem for them--they just need a shoulder to lean on or cry on.

the technique of reflective listening lets the person know you are really hearing/understanding what they are saying to you

i wasn't that great at it (we had to get friends to do practice recordings with us) but, from what i recall, you say things like: "what i'm hearing is that you are afraid that you won't be able to find someone else" or "it sounds like it was a really difficult thing you went through."

(maybe someone who knows more about this technique could give you more info/details on it. or you could google it)

Thank you for providing the data.

Don't give advice unless they ask for advice. You might only show in some way that you have heard them.

Many people try to "fix" others so they don't have to experience the other's unhappiness, and can move on to happier things.

They really want to be listened to for the pain they are currently in, and for you to talk about past pain at this point IS hijacking the conversation.

Thanks for the confirmation.

I really think that lack is at the heart of all of our social problems.

(I was going to put it much cruder- that Americans think they are all special snowflakes and their suffering is unique).

But that is kind of mean. It's possible they are simply misinterpreting your intent.

Most often, people are not seeking a solution. They want a listener; that's it. I've made that mistake before, trying to offer solutions. Also, I've been at the receiving of unsolicited advice that I didn't want to take.

I try to make them look at whatever it is from a different angle.

Have you tried ____?
What are your options ?
Would you consider ______?

I hate giving advice.

about giving advice, solicited or not...

Generally people already have a course of action in mind.

They're usually just looking for someone to agree with them.

If they take your advice, you've just wasted your time telling them what they wanted to hear anyway.



My advice here (which is funny considering what I just said above) is to just not bother.

Which I'm thinking is probably the way you're leaning anyway.

in which case you taking over the conversation by narrating your own tales, may just not be what they are looking for.

I just thought that not saying anything at all comes across like I don't care. And the pauses just kill me. I feel like I need to fill in the blanks. I do know that one of the people did want me to solve the problem for her, but it was not all in my power to make things happen for her. She didn't have all her facts straight, which made it difficult to talk to her because I'm sure I came across as if I was resistant to her idea when I tried to offer other suggestions.