The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsMy mother passed way a half hour ago............
I'm so lost....she's been in my life 64 yrs. How does one get over this loss?
Edit: not over it, but through it? My touchsstone is gone...I talked with her earlier this
evening and for the first time ever she told me she loved me before I did...did she know?
denbot
(9,901 posts)I don't know how to get over something like this, one just endures the pain.
Justice wanted
(2,657 posts)helderheid
(38,039 posts)snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)applegrove
(118,778 posts)bluesbassman
(19,379 posts)Time and activity are the only things I can offer. Lost my mom in '98 and my dad in '06. Still grieve for them, but it's the good memories I hold on to.
WhoIsNumberNone
(7,875 posts)It's very tough. When my mom went I spent about six months wanting to call her and then remembering that I couldn't.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)Whoa_Nelly
(21,236 posts)I am so sorry for your loss, and the shock and grieving you are going through right now.
Hold on to all you know to be true.
I hope someone is with you right now.
Please come back if you need anything.
We are here for you.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)would still be awake and I so need to talk while that back mind place is putting priorities in line. Thanks for being here.
Whoa_Nelly
(21,236 posts)crunch60
(1,412 posts)she was very ill. I was 2,000 miles away. Christmas Eve. They put the phone to her ear and I talked to her, told her I loved her, and their was a terrible silence. She was gone. The world at that moment seemed so still ,so quiet and I didn't want to hang up the phone. It was her favorite holiday.
Snappyturtle, I just want you to know I really understand your emotional pain right now as I was also alone and so far from her when she died.
The physical loss is so permanent, but the wonderful memories of her are very strong and will always be with me.
Sending you a and my sincere condolences for the loss of your Mom.
Swede
(33,282 posts)Sorry for this loss. May you and her find peace.
libodem
(19,288 posts)It takes time. It does get easier. You had her a long time.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)long makes it more difficult....that and I'm getting older and not so big on things abrupty changing.
auntAgonist
(17,252 posts)My Mother passed away in '97. You never really get over it. Allow the good memories to bring joy to your heart.
aA
kesha
snagglepuss
(12,704 posts)That she told you she loved you before you did is a clear sign that on some level she knew. That deep bond between you and your mom will not end.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)person but right now I hope there is another dimension. I feel like I've been abandoned...odd since I knew this was coming soon.
flvegan
(64,414 posts)My best wishes to you and your family and her loved ones.
My experience has been you don't get over it. You just get through it.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)Just moved to Texas, well back here, after a divorce of about two years to straighten out some things.She was very old..95 but..........now to get back home. I knew this was very imminent so I've been searching for flights..........the short notice ones are awful.
Angry Dragon
(36,693 posts)you could get a discount
I do not know about now
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)No bereavement, funeral, imminent dimise..whatever flights. I can do it but my food budget will suck for a long time. But, that's OK...at least I do have the money on hand...I've been piching pennies for three months knowing what was coming...so it could be a lot worse.
Angry Dragon
(36,693 posts)Response to snappyturtle (Reply #13)
Whoa_Nelly This message was self-deleted by its author.
Response to snappyturtle (Reply #13)
Whoa_Nelly This message was self-deleted by its author.
Response to snappyturtle (Reply #13)
Whoa_Nelly This message was self-deleted by its author.
Response to snappyturtle (Reply #13)
Whoa_Nelly This message was self-deleted by its author.
Whoa_Nelly
(21,236 posts)And tell them you have had a death in your family, and that you need bereavement airfare.
Look up the airline you want to use and include bereavement in your search.
Someone will work with you on the price to get you on a flight ASAP.
Here is one such site with info:
http://airtravel.about.com/od/travelindustrynews/qt/aabereave.htm
(Sorry for the multiple posts. It was not going through from my end, or showing when I checked to see if it had posted)
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)FloridaJudy
(9,465 posts)She managed to get me on a Christmas Eve flight with a few hours notice and at a huge discount. Of course, this was 15 years ago: I don't even know if there are travel agents around any more, since most people book on-line these days. But if you have any locally, get in touch. The woman really came through for me!
Marrah_G
(28,581 posts)He suggests checking out this link.
Dystopian
(6,421 posts)snappyturtle~
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother.
One does not get over the loss...we go on with life and treasure the memories.
This comes with time....time is all we have ..
Sadly, I know. Thankfully....I know.
You will find your way ....
Peace, love and blessings to you and your family...
peace~
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)FloridaJudy
(9,465 posts)One never really gets over it, but it does get easier with time.
Be good to yourself. Find a comfortable shoulder to cry on. If you have siblings, hug them hard. And don't be afraid to cry.
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snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)Even tonight she doesn't call me back. My brother is wonderful.....I'm hoping my sister will come along and come back to me...we're going to be spending some time together now. I spent nine months nursing Mom back from a broken hip in 2010...glad we had those days together.
Old and In the Way
(37,540 posts)Take heart in knowing you had such a long life with her. You'll have many good memories to remember her by.
GoddessOfGuinness
(46,435 posts)I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and hoping that your sister will come around...You all need each other now.
I'm guessing your mom did know, and wanted to be sure you know how much she loves you. ~hugs~
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)fashioned sense. Although we had huge political differences (I hope she ahd heard about RUSH 'cause she loved him) we loved each other. This is something I don't understand today...bear with me...How come MOM and I could vehemently disagree politically and we still functioned together?
My mind is all over the place.
pacalo
(24,721 posts)csziggy
(34,137 posts)Marrah_G
(28,581 posts)All I can do is give you a virtual hug and know that other DUers who have been through this will help you through it too.
UrbScotty
(23,980 posts)I don't have any advice, but I'm sending you good vibes.
emsimon33
(3,128 posts)and she will always be with you. The pain of loss dulls with time but it never goes away...at least not in my experience.
But know that she is near even if you can't hug her.
colorado_ufo
(5,737 posts)My mother died two years ago this March 21, five days before her first great-grandchild - my first "own" grandchild - was born. I also lived over 1,000 miles away from her, but I was there with her when she passed. (I made it back for my grandchld's birth by 10 minutes!) My three siblings and I, all long grown-up adults, felt suddenly lost. Mom was the family's anchor, the grounding point, the "glue" that held us all together, no matter where we were.
It has taken time to reorient ourselves, and we are still working on it. We were worried that we might drift apart, but we have instead made an effort to draw closer together - if not in distance, then emotionally. I make a big effort to travel to see them more often.
Some things, however, have progressed slowly: Mom's house is still being cleared of her things, little by little, as it is difficult for us to go through them. For us, being alone (Dad passed in 1990) has forced us to take a different type of "baby steps." I think none of us really grows up completely until we are left as the "adults."
All of we children have had the urge to call Mom, then realized that it is no longer possible. The phone is still connected, and several times I dialed the number just to hear the answering machine. No one cares about what goes on in your life as much as your mother.
Snappyturtle, no one gets over this loss; but we do get through it. Be very patient with yourself. And please, please, please take extra good care of your health: eat right, sleep when you can, take walks, get your flu shot, go to the dentist, whatever. After both losses, my father and my mother, I was not able to take the time to grieve but instead forced myself to go on with things I thought I "had" to do. The result - both times - was when I finally was able to take a break, I came down with severe illness: bacterial pneumonia, thyroiditis, raging cases of strep infection, and more. I had gotten completely run down, and my body did the grieving that I refused to let my mind do.
Finally, if you ever feel alone, remember that there are those of us on DU that understand, and care, and want to surround you with love. We hope you can feel it.
snappyturtle
(14,656 posts)came 'to' today seemed normal enough and then I remembered. My health is a big concern right now...bad asthma and not under control...I don't know if I have the strength to fly.
JCMach1
(27,572 posts)JI7
(89,264 posts)myrna minx
(22,772 posts)sarge43
(28,945 posts)We do heal. You will in time be able to think of your mother without pain. You'll remember her and smile. Her memory will be with you always.
Strength, comfort and peace.
HappyMe
(20,277 posts)Your mom will always be with you in your heart and memories.
Bonobo
(29,257 posts)MY mother passed away 2 years ago this week. I know your pain although my mom was much younger.
We must be our own parents now. I am so sorry.
Time will pass and you will recover. For now, be kind to yourself and stay close to your loved ones and let yourself feel however you feel.
I am so sorry.
vaberella
(24,634 posts)This is how I felt about my dad. I'm sure she knew. I felt like my dad knew. God...my sincere condolences.
Amaril
(1,267 posts)I lost my mom in 2007 (and my dad 3 years before that). It's hard, but you will make it through. Feel free to lean on all of us whenever you need.
yellerpup
(12,254 posts)She knew for sure that she loved you and she wanted you to know it, too. Be good to yourself.
nuxvomica
(12,441 posts)It's tough to lose a parent because they always represented some sense of permanence in the world. It's like you wake up one morning and a mountain has disappeared from the horizon or some law of physics was repealed. Some lines from Wordsworth that kept running through my mind after my dad's passing:
The Rainbow comes and goes,
And lovely is the Rose,
The Moon doth with delight
Look round her when the heavens are bare;
Waters on a starry night
Are beautiful and fair;
The sunshine is a glorious birth;
But yet I know, where'er I go,
That there hath past away a glory from the earth.
Peace to you and your family.
boston bean
(36,223 posts)my condolences to you and your family.
hedgehog
(36,286 posts)and be comforted that she didn't want to leave you, but she had to journey on ahead of you.
av8rdave
(10,573 posts)My Mom has been gone for 11 years, but she's never really gone. I think about her daily, and just about every thought or decision at least subconsciously filters through the "how would mom see this" thing.
I think of it as a permanent gift.
Consider yourself lucky to have had such a wonderful relationship with her. She must have been something special!
TuxedoKat
(3,818 posts)for the loss of your beloved mother. (((HUGS))).
Phentex
(16,334 posts)My heart goes out to you!
dixiegrrrrl
(60,010 posts)I don't think one ever gets "over" the shock of losing a parent,
but one does get "through" it, eventually.
Like all shocks and losses it does take time.
and everyone grieves in their own way, so don't let anyone tell you how to do it.
Just take care of yourself, that is very important.
mentalsolstice
(4,461 posts)xchrom
(108,903 posts)i've lost my dad -- so i know how difficult this must be.
auntAgonist
(17,252 posts)that I'm still thinking of you and wishing you peace at this very stressful and sad time in your life.
aA
kesha
Arugula Latte
(50,566 posts)NewJeffCT
(56,829 posts)I'm sorry for your loss.
Ron Obvious
(6,261 posts)I don't know you, but I'm so sorry for your loss.
As someone who lost his mother early in life, I envy you the 64 years you had with her.
Peace.
VenusRising
(11,252 posts)I hope you can find comfort in the memories you have of your mom.
Please, do not be afraid to seek grief counseling. It has helped me immensely in dealing with the sudden death of my husband.
Take care of yourself.
emilyg
(22,742 posts)The Velveteen Ocelot
(115,836 posts)It's a tough loss, even when you expected it - you're never really ready. Lost my mom six years ago and my dad last year. They were both elderly and in poor health, so their passing was not unexpected or shocking, but still -- I think of them every day. Still want to call them on the phone. You don't really get over it, but you get used to it, sort of. You hang on to all the good memories.
barbtries
(28,811 posts)she may be with you yet (i believe that she is). you will get through it. give yourself time to do all the grieving you need to do. be very, very nice to yourself. if you feel that your grief is becoming a chronic condition, seek counseling.
remember there is no wrong way or right way to grieve.
may she rest in peace. all the best to you and your family. snappyturtle!
the night before he died, my father called and spoke to my sister (he was in HI, we were in CA). something in his voice...did he say take care of your mother? i don't remember, but i do know that my sister has always believed that he did in fact know that he was going to die. he was only 49 years old. heart attack.
hamsterjill
(15,224 posts)My deepest sympathies to you. It is a testament to your mom that you are missing her so much. She raised you right, and I think it is wonderful that you and she had such a special relationship.
Time heals all wounds, they say. And I believe that to be true. Take the time that you need, and you will, eventually, be whole again. Because that is what your mother would want for you.
Maine-ah
(9,902 posts)I'm sorry, Snappy. It's so hard to lose a parent.
Dragonbreathp9d
(2,542 posts)Kali
(55,019 posts)losing a parent you are close to is so difficult, someone upthread said they kept wanting to pick up a phone for a long time after - I still do that and it has been more than 15 years. I think it is part of the strong bond that stays with you after they are gone.
Wait Wut
(8,492 posts)She left knowing she was loved. You stay knowing you are loved. I think that's the only meaning of life.
one_voice
(20,043 posts)I have nothing to offer in the way of advice. Wishing you strength and peace!
nolabear
(41,991 posts)Time and love. Good memories. It'll find a nice, quiet place in you that you can visit and always know is there.
Take care.
avaistheone1
(14,626 posts)She probably knew.
onethatcares
(16,184 posts)I am so sorry for your loss.
riderinthestorm
(23,272 posts)dana_b
(11,546 posts)to express how that feels to lose a mom.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)For me it helped to affirm that my loved ones were worth every iota of pain I felt at losing them. My brother, my father and my mother many years apart but in that order.
benld74
(9,909 posts)Mine passed away 16 years ago, and some days it was yesterday.
EFerrari
(163,986 posts)My mother is 80 and I dread that day, every day.
woo me with science
(32,139 posts)Solly Mack
(90,785 posts)Stuart G
(38,445 posts)WilliamPitt
(58,179 posts)LaurenG
(24,841 posts)I wish you peace, it really is a terrible thing to have to withstand.
RiffRandell
(5,909 posts)MerryBlooms
(11,771 posts)I lost my mom over 20 years ago, and no, you don't ever get over it, but you do get through it. My sons were young at the time, so I at least had that to keep me grounded. It will be tough, but you will find an inner strength you never knew you possessed. Take good care and know you're in our thoughts.
Major Nikon
(36,827 posts)My dad had terminal cancer, so we got to talk a lot before he died. I asked him how long it took for him to get over his dad dying. He said you never do. The pain becomes less and less over time but it never goes away. That was 16 years ago, almost to the day now and I know exactly what he meant. You still think about them often and the loss still hurts. Eventually you just find a way to live with it.