I'm a trans-billionaire.

It's true. All my life I have felt that I was a billionaire's soul somehow wrongly trapped in a middle-class body. As a child I identified with Scrooge McDuck rather than Huie, Louie, and Dewie, and with Richy Rich. In my adult life, working for a living seemed such a lie. I hated myself both for failing to realize my true being and for the lies I had to tell to conceal my authentic identity. But now the time has come for me to "come out," and affirm myself as a billionaire.

For me to do this, society will have to give me twenty or thirty billion dollars. Not to do so would be to repress my true identity as a billionaire, and that can't be in 2015.

So gimme the money. Cough it up, see? I'm waiting.