Xmas74, I know this is hard. I know it's easy to doubt yourself, especially when you care for someone.

But you absolutely did the right thing. He was belittling you. His behavior is abusive and controlling. You are wise and strong to recognize that and say "enough".

Read your post and pretend it was written by your sister, or your daughter, or a friend. What advice would you give them?

He may backtrack when he realizes you're not running after him. He'll say it was a misunderstanding or make some other excuse.

Stay strong.

You deserve someone who treats you with respect and kindness.

and whenever he came back and I tried to talk about it he would brush it off, saying everything was "in the past".

it still has hallmarks of a somewhat abusive relationship, at least emotionally.

Why do you want this person in your life if he places no value on you and your feelings? You're not getting love from him, you're just being used and manipulated for his own gratification.

There is no shame and tragedy in being solo and living life on your own terms. If you stay under his dominance and shadow you'll never form new relationships with good, kind and decent people who do understand and validate you. He would like to continue your slavish devotion, but geez, what in heck are you getting out of this relationship? Sounds like a whole lot of nothing. Friends don't argue, insult and dominate and abuse, and he's NEVER. GOING. TO. CHANGE. He is using typical abuser tactics such as telling you that no one else will ever love you, as a means to isolate you and prevent you from forming genuine relationships with other people who WILL value you.

Move on. Stop looking so hard for friendship and validation and as you learn to love your own true self, your value and worth will become evident to people who appreciate you for precisely who you are. I can't imagine giving the gift of my love and appreciation to someone so nasty and manipulative, why would you even want to? Aren't you worth more than that?

There are people in this world who aren't meant to have a million facebook friends. Some of us are only meant to be understood by a very small portion of other like minded people on this planet.

If I might suggest some introspection, have a look here and take this test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp . While going through similar issues with my own self understanding, I came across this, and the light bulb went off and suddenly I finally identified my 'issues'. It just changed everything for me, and could perhaps provide that comfort and self understanding you could definitely use here, to get rid of this toxic person in your life.

You'll be ok!

This time around I was an ISFJ but I go back and forth between that and INFJ. I always have.

And I have gone through similar abusive relationships, work and personal. Steer clear and love yourself first.

Wonder how many bastards have uttered that line. Sheesh. Bail now.

Until that line I was thinking "2 years" is the time frame when romantic relationships either go to a new level or end. He's waited the magical 2 years and is now forcing the decision, albeit unconsciously and nastily as a result.

Therefore, regardless of your fear of losing your friendship, it is already lost.

He can't be friends with you, and you (wisely) do not want a romantic relationship with him.

Not sure if that's in research or if I just heard that or observed it.

and I've never really understood it.

He knows I've been in abusive relationships in the past and he's told me how, if they laid a hand on me they obviously didn't love me.

He is a manipulator. Sorry to hear of your situation.

That said I am sorry for the loss of the friendship you are enduring. He has acted in a most immature, manipulative and childish manner by your description and your response was what needed to be done. If it wasn't done now, it would have to be so eventually. Better to cut ties and everyone go on their own path.

Best of luck to you, each day will get a little better.

From what I understand he's posting on facebook about the situation without "naming names". Someone I know told me about it, with people jumping in and dogpiling all over it. They are all his buddies, of course, telling him that I was never good enough for him. (And the friends are naming names.)

Telling you that no one else will love you = Manipulative (implying that *you* are the problem)
Telling you to wait by the phone until *he's* ready to talk to you = Manipulative
Telling you to "move past it" = Manipulative (again, implying that *you* are the problem)
Posting about it on Facebook = Manipulative (he know's you'll find out. Trying to bully you into submission)

He will ramp up this behavior as it sinks in that he's losing control of you. Go dark on him. You deserve so much better.

losing a friend is probably one of the worst things which can happen to us. Nevertheless, You didn't lose this friend, he gave you away as he was unable to accept things for what they were and has chosen to put the blame on to you as that fits so much better into his narrative. So this situation is entirely of his making, not yours and apparently was building for awhile (base upon what you said). As to what is Facebook Friends say one way or the other is completely without meaning. They are entitled to their opinions, but we know what is said.. Opinions are like....., everybody has one.


Tomorrow will be a little better, the next day a little better than that. It will take time, but You made the best choice without any doubt. Don't look back and as my High School Football Coach said, "You can't go through life second guessing yourself', so follow his advice.

You said it right here: I just don't know if I can handle any more of this. There is no good reason why you should. If there is a women's shelter in your area, you might want to find out if they have group sessions you could attend. From experience I can say those are very helpful. Best to you and feel free to PM me if you just want to talk or rant.

I have enough to deal with besides him and his mood swings.

I can't handle it anymore.

The man sounds obviously troubled, with some deep control and self-esteem issues. He may have psych problems or something, but you are not obligated to make him feel better. Especially if you have a child involved, you need to protect the child from toxic people if you can.

Your last sentence is telling. If he truly thinks he's the "only man" who will ever love or understand you, he's delusional. There sounds like he has been doing some serious projection.

about "alpha male this and alpha male that". It's irritating and annoying. He's also been making nasty comments about "feminazis", thinking that he's hilarious when he says it.

Several months ago we had a bottle of wine which he then turned into several shots of whiskey. He got drunk, hung his head down and began to weep about how he has really bad abandonment issues and how he's afraid he'll push me away. He made me promise him that, no matter what, I wouldn't leave.

Again, so manipulative. No one should *ever* make that kind of promise. It's an invitation to endless abuse, be it physical, emotional, or verbal.

He may indeed have issues. Those issues aren't an excuse allowing him to abuse others. The solution is to get himself into counseling until he resolves those issues--and it may take years. No one can fix him. HE is the solution to his own problems.

compared to men in my past.

they endured was actually worse than the physical abuse. They got so tired of walking on eggshells and running around trying to make sure he was *happy*.

Emotional/psychological abuse (like this asshole is doing to you) can be just as damaging in its own way. He doesn't get to behave that way and claim it's OK just because he doesn't hit you. Get him out of your life, permanently. He's just as much of an abuser as a guy who hits.

xmas74, give yourself a great xmas 2015 and get this guy out of your life permanently!

What you're describing is psychological abuse. From the 1st sentence to the last...all of it. Psychologically abusive behavior that you do not have to tolerate or put up with. Leave him in the cold...he belongs there. When he calls...and he will call...tell him you're done.

in a few weeks, after the holiday is over and everyone he's running with right now stops partying with him. This isn't the first time but I plan on it being the last.

I don't know if it's worth it to you but, if when he calms down, maybe try couples counseling. If he doesn't go for it, keep him cut out of your life.

That's a lot of years. Since you are asking the question that you obviously already know the answer to, I think it might be worth trying to start fresh. But ONLY with professional help.

Just my 2 cents. I'm sorry this has happened. Losing a friendship like that is almost as difficult as a death. You did the right thing but I know that doesn't help or stop the pain.

That would ever love you. So forget the counseling. F*ck him. Or better yet, don't!

He has always told me he'd never lift a hand towards me and that any man who does has never loved me. He recently made the comment he sometimes understood why I was hit, kicked, punched, etc but that he'd never do it.

It's emotional and it's exhausting.

I'm sorry you have had such assholes in your life. There are good men out there and that's what you deserve

I obviously have no sense of what is good or bad and I always make rotten choices in men. It's time to just throw in the towel.

Just get some therapy maybe to help you evaluate people.

You will be fine. You've already done the hard, right thing. Don't beat yourself up for it

if this was not about something else going on. That's just a really long friendship to end up in such a nasty situation. Maybe he's having a breakdown of sorts. Who knows?

You say "His plans and what he wants to do are always more important" and then HE says "we never talk about or do anything he wants to do and how it's always inconvenient for him to do this "stuff". You two are obviously not on the same page and neither knows how to communicate this.

He wants space. Give it to him. That also gives you time to re-examine if you want his friendship at all.

is because I won't compromise when it comes to competitions and tournaments for my daughter. She's in high school now and she's very involved: golf team, swim team, color guard, winter guard, debate, symphonic band and jazz band, along with her performances at our church in the choir and bell choir. She's my only child. I put in a lot of money and a lot of volunteeI have r time with these groups, she dedicates herself to her practice times and competitions and is setting herself up to break a school record soon.(Yay!) She is also a straight A student who volunteers her time at the food pantry once a month and once every few weeks at the local library.She's my pride and joy and his criticism of her looks (which he recently did, stating that she looked a bit "fat" and that she wasn't feminine enough to be pretty) really pissed me off.

Example: he wanted to go to a car show. It was the same day as swimming districts and her relay team was ranked best in the district. If they came in top two at district they would go on to state. I was already part of a parent group making plans to feed the kids a healthy lunch, to pack healthy snacks (all they have at these things are expensive, nasty, greasy snack bars) and to cheer and show support. He had a fit and wanted me to cancel so I could walk around a car show with him. I said I could go after the meet, since it was in the morning and would be finished by one pm. I invited him to the meet with me. He refused, saying he wanted to get to the show when the doors opened at 10 am. I said I'd meet him at the show. He wanted me at the show with him when it opened. When I explained that she only had a few more years left until she graduated and that I wanted to watch her he became angry. He didn't speak to me until after the meet and then never asked about how she did. (They competed at state.)

This is just one of the smaller examples. He really doesn't see it being all about him.

your daughter is more important than this childish man. He sounds like a teenager and very immature. How old is he?

like me.

His behavior is abusive. Maybe you don't have a "romantic" relationship but his behavior is no different from that of an abusive spouse - including his claim that he's the only man who will ever love you. It may be that he wants something more than friendship from you and he's angry that he's not getting it, but whatever. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior. If that's love, you don't need it. There's something wrong with this guy and he is not your friend. Friends don't treat their friends like shit, which is what he's doing. It's sad to have to walk away from such a long-duration relationship, but when it turns toxic it's time to break it off.

and he wanted one again, telling me about how sees us together for the rest of our lives. He would drop little things about twenty, thirty years down the road (when he retires what we'll be doing together, etc). He just got out of another relationship that lasted three years when he started hinting at me about a relationship. My response was that he needed time to get over the last one. Well, he has had other, short term relationships during all of this. During those relationships he'd call and tell me all the details, even if I didn't want them.

I'm just so tired of it all.

Like me, as I have never been a part of anything like that:

It sounds like your friend has some serious issues, the nature of which he has never let you really see. It sounds to me like you either 1.) did the right thing, as this was headed where you don't want/need to go, or 2.) you just narrowly escaped getting into a very abusive relationship that might well have left you seriously bruised, and I don't mean just emotionally.

Big caveat: I don't know either of you, and I have never been a part of anything remotely similar. However, friends of ours have. It NEVER ends well. Don't move in, move on.

This has been more insidious. There are times where I wish he'd just punch me in the face-it would be easier to handle than whatever this is.

I'm sure there are plenty of men willing to oblige you. They're nobody you want to hang with, I promise you.

My wife was a social worker. She saw enough of that. NO woman needs to tolerate abuse, physical or otherwise.
Get wise and get gone!

It's NOT your fault, of course! But you need to not care if it is or not. All you need care about is getting away from this verbally & emotionally abusive person. Do not take him back no matter how nice he acts. Just say, "It's not working. Let's just call it quits. Goodbye." Don't talk it out, don't discuss, don't explain. Just shut the door.

Your instincts are right... you DO deserve better treatment, you can NOT go through this again, you ARE making the right choice. Don't let unwarranted guilt feelings drag you back! You owe him NOTHING. Don't let him manipulate you. Just walk away and free yourself to find someone who appreciates you. You do not have to live like this!

I know you are probably too close to the situation to see it clearly, but believe me it's very apparent to everyone else who has read your post that he is an abuser and you will be far better off without him.

has said the same thing:I'm too close to the situation but that everyone hates him and wishes he'd finally leave me alone.

I'm so tired and when I spoke to him I told him. I also told him I didn't understand what I'd done wrong and that I'd cried every day since that fight. I started crying while telling him this and his response was that (and I quote) "b*tches always use tears to get whatever they want. You don't even mean it."

I'm just tired.

Dump him and don't look back (or at his Facebook crap).

I feel like a broken record. All I can think about is how exhausted I am. He's just exhausted me.

When you're exhausted it's easier to have your boundaries and defenses broken down.

His behavior of abuse, and more importantly, your acceptance of his abuse could also be influencing your daughter to accept abuse.

She doesn't like him and never has. He says she's spoiled and used to having all of my time and attention. She said that she just gets a "creeper vibe" from him.

This guy has a lot of red flags. Be safe.

I hate that I allowed it to become familiar. I've set a bad example for my child.

don't beat YOURSELF up like that! I think you mentioned, this kind of verbal/emotional abuse is insidious. You get roped in little by little.

It took me 55 years to figure out that I had been marrying my abusive mother! I finally "got it" when I took care of her for 8 weeks after she broke her hip, and I ended up a wreck. She never complained about her hip hurting... she complained about ME to everyone -- the only one of 4 kids who still had contact with her, who was trying her utmost to help out. She would talk & act just like my ex-husbands. And I suddenly understood that I'd accepted that behavior from them because it seemed familiar to me... I was used to being treated like that.

I've cut off contact with my mother since. Talk about guilt, LOL! But I will never go there again.

Stay strong. You are worth it

You are so worth being treated well. There is nothing wrong with you. You have done all you can do and now you must be strong and stay away from him. You need to be strong for yourself and for your child. It is OK to love the man you thot he was. But the man he is will never honor you. He does not love you. He loves himself and himself only. You do not want him around your child. Zowie. Take a week off work and go camping! No electronics. Absolutely you have done the right thing and you are nowhere near the end on this. Lots of hugs.

but I work from home and if I take off I don't get paid. I just can't afford to take off. Besides, we've had some nasty weather and almost every other day I've had some sort of storm clean up.

My child is visiting family out of state so at least she doesn't have to watch this right now. She doesn't like him and has never liked him so I think she'd be happy that he's gone.

Kids and dogs! Anyway, lots and lots of best wishes.

Sounds like a person with more problems than you need.

(hotline) and they gave me a number of referrals. They said that from what I was saying it sounded like emotional abuse. She also talked about gaslighting. She said that what was the most worrisome was a comment I didn't include on here but showed a possible hint at physical. (A friend said that she always remembered a comment he made about me leaving him that had to do with a gun, dismemberment and a hog farm. She said she's never forgotten him saying it and that she's hated him ever since.)

Because of the hog talk I'm supposed to figure out a safety plan, just in case. I also need to get into therapy asap and find someone to help me through this before he worms his way back.

Family, friends, speak to your neighbors maybe even your primary physician. Consider being ready to get a protection order and document all of that. Take your personal security seriously. Ask your neighbors if they see this guy around to make a note of it and let you know.

You have me worried.

and I've told my last true friend but she lives out of state. It's just me now.

Take care of yourself.
Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

I'll be praying for you.

He shows aspects of becoming controlling and abusive and manifests anger where it's not appropriate. Whether anyone will understand you enough to suit you is your decision to make. Maybe his anger is based on his impatience and not getting what he wants from you.

Sometimes we don't give ourselves enough credit. Making your own choices and reaping the benefits (and sometimes problems) from those choices is part of growth. It's empowering.

Maybe I'm wrong or at least not completely on target here but he's hanging around for a reason. Maybe he finds you attractive and having you makes him feel good about himself, maybe he's a mooch or a user or just enjoys controlling you. None of these are respectful of you. Please respect yourself enough to get out before this becomes even more difficult.

Some advice I've given based on 33 years of marriage is that relationships are not a 50/50 kind of deal. If you need to keep score with whose turn is it to pay the cable or whose turn is it to take out the trash, you're neither committed to each other nor ready to be. Relationships are 100/100 kind of deals. Both of you need to put in a 100% effort to make it work. If either person isn't comfortable with that 100% then don't continue to get more serious until are, maybe with someone else.

I spend a lot of time working out of town and I can't wait to return home for the weekend and see my wife and family.

I'm a bit of a movie nut and I like what the Slim Pickens character had to say about his wife in the movie The Getaway (Steve McQueen and Ali McGraw.)

Slim Pickens: I've been married for 35 years, same old gal; man she's a tough ol' hide. God dang, everything I am, I owe ta her.

Best of luck and vaya con Dios.

No, I did not answer it and he's not dumb enough to leave a message.

You've received a lot of great advice and you know you're doing the right thing. Don't forget to give yourself some credit here - you recognized the toxic nature of this relationship (so much easier said than done, in the emotional fog of one's own life) and you held back. Smart move.

Now that you're breaking contact, I fear that he will not make it easy for you. Please do everything you can to prepare a strategy to protect yourself physically and emotionally from his reaction. If he tries to intimidate you, don't waste time reaching out for help.

Stay strong - you have a lot of people here pulling for you.

and I didn't answer.

Stay strong! You can do it.

Just think of how miserable he makes you feel in his company.

Sure, you've had some great times but people change and don't be his moody, insecure verbal punching bag.

Again, I think you deserve a lot of credit for recognizing the signs and finding your way out of this situation. You sound like a great mom too.

You should have told him to fuck off a lot earlier.

If he were a real friend he wouldn't have treated you like that.

Don't take him back, which in a few weeks or months he will try.

Obviously he has issues, but shouldn't take them out on you.

It sounds like it's hard for you, but forget him and move on.

I did not answer. He did not leave a message. I'm sure his attitude isn't pleasant right now, since he said I needed to wait by the phone for him to call me.

Get that miserable negativity out of your life.

You seem like a very caring person and parent...he got mad over you bringing snacks?

Any friend would understand that your kids come first in those situations.

Please, please don't talk to him unless it's to tell him "Don't contact me ever again."

Click!

i'll say what everyone else in this thread has said and add that this guy is a royal asshole!

i'd block him from viewing my fb page and if he calls again i'd email him & tell him not to call or contact me anymore. (& give him no further explanation)

no one (including you & your daughter) needs that kind of crap in their life.

when someone starts making you feel like shit then you KNOW--deep in your heart--they are not meant to be in your life.

stay strong my friend. you are so worth it.

Just block his phone number(s) so your cell phone doesn't even ring, and if you use a landline, he can't leave a message. And block emails from him completely, so you you aren't even aware of if he's trying to contact you, since the attempt from him is likely to trigger an emotional response. And similarly, any "don't contact me" message from you to him is likely to trigger an emotional (and bad) response from him.

And every time you hear someone mention that he posted on facebook about you, I understand it's upsetting, but also take it as validation that you made the right choice.

Good luck and stay strong.

to take your mind off all that dudes b.s.

This is classic abuser talk: "...even though he has said that he's the only man who will ever truly love me and that anyone else will never understand me."

Dan Savage DTMFA.

No, I didn't answer.

I really hope - when you are ready - that you are able to celebrate this decision in some meaningful way. Even though you probably feel like you are at a low point, what you are doing is really empowering and it would be awesome to be able to ... I don't know, have some sort of ceremony or event to mark it in some way.

It sounds like you have a strong relationship with your daughter, would she be up for a mother daughter day trip of something like biking, or canoeing, or hiking and have it be just the girls? Or is there something like that you could do on your own and really enjoy?

I'm just glad she's not here to see this right now. She's visiting out of state with family.

She's never liked him so she'll be happy this is happening.