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The local wingnut who spars re: politics via e-mail has temporarily called truce and sent this. One each by Paul LYNDE and Charley WEAVER made me laugh actually OUT LOUD, but I won't impose my taste by identifying them here.
This one I don't get, and will appreciate an exegesis: The "pregant for two yrs - not afraid of the dark"
***********QUOTE********
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
***********UNQUOTE**************
dana_b
(11,546 posts)it will not be afraid of the dark. Does that help?
A few of those made me lol - even Don Knotts!!
lunatica
(53,410 posts)Thanks!
Duer 157099
(17,742 posts)I can even imagine their voices and faces as they deliver the lines. What a great show that was.
siligut
(12,272 posts)He was hilarious, I can also see Rose Marie, that was a funny show. Thanks for the nostalgia.
pink-o
(4,056 posts)My parents watched it religiously. By hindsight, I can totally see why!
pacalo
(24,721 posts)A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
murpheeslaw
(110 posts)Canis Mala
(91 posts)Q: True or False, scientists have engineered a cow that gives milk and cookies.
Paul Lynde: True, but I can't recommend the cookies.
I'm sure most of you know Charlie Weaver's real name was Cliff Arquette and he was the grandfather of all those Hollywood Arquette kids - Patricia, Roseanna, Alexis and David.
Supposedly Weaver spent thousands on hookers.
nolabear
(41,963 posts)As should we all!
meow2u3
(24,764 posts)Q. In the Vatican, when you see white smoke, that means the cardinals elected a pope. What does it mean when you see black smoke?
A. The cardinals burned the lasagna.
Note: I cannot find any video of this episode. This was an indelible memory of mine.
Canis Mala
(91 posts)...these lines were, for the most part, written by a staff of writers.
nolabear
(41,963 posts)guitar man
(15,996 posts)Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.