is there a municipal noise code to back her up? What about complaining to the landlord?

Are there any social service agencies that could arrange for caregiver break or get her some referrals? Maybe the hospital has a social work department?

That I can do....... a lot of time on my hands right now. And I'll see if she'll let me be the voice that whines with the landlord.

The husband is mobile and fairly independent day to day except no driving and needs help with money. (he had a stroke) A caregiving break would be a vacation off by herself.

Now that's an idea........ if we can get someone he knows to keep him for a week should could come here........ just take a break.

him if she continues to totally ignore her own needs. She's only human.

"She doesn't leave him because she knows it'd be a death sentence"

tough stuff... she needs to take a deep breath and put on some noise reducer headphones... take care of herself and know that she cannot control or really be responsible for someone (even a lifelong partner) else's decision. It is not her fault if her husband is sick or dies... sounds harsh, but I have been there...

she has this one precious life and that is it... ask her how she really wants to live it??

so realistically speakng she needs to begin to detach a little bit, for want of a better way to put it. And, it doesn't help him if she's ignoring her own needs.

telling her she's not really responsible for him falls on deaf ears......... besides if she left him her own family would disown her and i don't think she could take that........ and yet knowing that is a source of her pain.

Thanks for the reminder....... and the tip about the headphones. That might help her with "mini-breaks" and some "me time".

It sounds like she could really use some respite care. She can call 211 or go to 211.org and see if any help is available.

Remember, the OP is a second/third party, the counselors would advise them to call 911 as well.

Didn't act depressed right before he did it but was down right in a good mood. He sounded happier and nicer than he had been in years. I'll never forget it because you just can never know. People have stuff going on behind closed doors that you just can't tell.

I've been depressed all my life but never did it because I never knew how to be completely successful at it.

Met him on the street one day and he was nice as pie. Three days later he had moved to Boston and killed himself. I'll never forget the change in mood from angry to nice/happy, right before killing himself. Hard to forget. Happy (or pretending to be happy) then dead. I always remember that boy even though we were never friends until the day he decided to be nice just before he killed himself. I don't know what I could have done. But I still wish I could have saved him. He was usually a jerk but everyone is remediable.

their trouble are going to be over once they kill themselves. So they can be happy for that short time.
Of course it's a very difficult warning sign to figure out. And what can you do anyway? Call 911 and say "this guy is happier than usual so I think he is going to kill himself?"

I'll just always remember this kid and our conversation we had right before he moved. He seemed so happy and to hear he killed himself three days later, has always shocked me .He just seemed genuinely happy and friendly when he was usually a bit surly and judgemental or something but just on the angry young man side of things. His death just didn't fit with the kind guy I saw his last few days.

I know there wasn't anything I could do but I wish I could have hugged him or something to make him change his mind. I just didn't know, but much happier than usual is always a warning sign to me now for someone who is generally depressed.

Explain the situation..

Please don't wait until it is too late!!!

There are various suicide prevention hotlines OP can call to figure out what resources are available.

just let her know that you worry about her, and she can call you any time. then call her as often as you can for a while, so that talking to you gets to be a habit.

at this minute, i suspect if the cops showed up, she would tell them she was fine, and that would be that. they sort of have to show up at just the right time. hard to predict, after 30 years of dealign w it, just when she might crack.

do you know her family at all? maybe someone closer to her, physically, can keep an eye on her.

Call the cops. Every single time. Most cities have a noise ordinance of some kind. In my apartment complex at least, too many complaints will get you evicted. So she should either call the landlord/management or the cops. It will do no good to confront them herself. They will probably escalate things and make it louder.

She clearly needs some kind of assistance, from family or friends, if possible. If not, maybe there is some kind of social services they might qualify for?

A friend of 26 years shot himself in October. We were all very aware of his depression, but hoped he would get better.

Take care of your friend!

And all I can say is, be the best friend you can be.

If she isn't talking about it, you might actually offend her by calling 911 and having random cops show up beating on her door.

You can recommend counseling, elder care, other kinds of advice, but I wouldn't necessarily recommend her to a suicide hotline unless you have some evidence she is considering such an option.

Another piece of advice: suicide is a very personal decision. It is not necessarily something you can fix for someone. You can help and support and advise, but if in the end, she makes that decision, it is not because you did or didn't do one more thing to save her.

Finally, just be around. Keep calling, emailing, texting, whatever, even if she seems not very interested. Depressed people tend to hibernate because they don't want to talk about how depressed they are, and then people stop calling. Don't leave her alone. Keep being there for when/if she wants to talk about it.

And thanks for caring.

It answers some questions I had in my mind and gives me a direction. Also a profound reminder not to take too personally what a friend of many years may choose to do.

Thank you for your very elegantly stated post.

And best wishes to you.

She MUST get help, for her sake and the sake of her husband. It was explained to me this way: you need to put your OWN oxygen mask on (as if you were in a plane accident) before you put on your seatmate's mask. In other words, if YOU aren't mentally and physically healthy you are no good to someone who depends on you for their health.

Social services should definitely be called upon. Any family members who may be able to handle chores or shopping or appointments should be asked to contribute, even if it is only once a month; if they live long distance there are STILL things they can do to help. She needs a stronger emotional support system -- they have groups online and in person for caregivers. It is great she has you but she needs MORE. She can also explore if there is another caregiver she can do "trades" with. Sometimes it is easier to do something for someone OTHER than a family member because there is little to no emotional baggage attached. For example, I can easily drive my friend's elderly Mom around or sit down and have an afternoon of listening to old stories/playing cards with her -- doing the same with my OWN Mom drives me CRAZY -- just too much baggage. Likewise, she can hang with MY Mom with great ease and she will not be driven crazy.

I have been down this path (insane health and financial issues with my Mom/sister) and I almost broke myself in two trying to do it all. I had to learn to get REALLY selfish -- almost a "it's me or them" attitude. Thankfully I chose myself. Mom still gets her needs taken care of, but I am no longer in danger of losing myself mentally or physically to do so.

As for the noisy neighbors, (if she hasn't spoken to them yet and doesn't want to speak with them in person) a note on their door (and CC'd to the landlord) explaining that you have a person with health issues in the apartment and that you would appreciate it if the volume were reduced at all times, and completely gone between 10pm and 6:00am (standard "quiet" hours). If that is not successful, then the landlord needs to be notified that the problem persists and step in. If not resolved after that, then the cops are called and the landlord notified every time. I have been both a landlord AND sound-sensitive renter dealing with loud tenants and have found this is a reasonable course of action. Any good Lease should have a prohibition on disturbing fellow tenants -- a good landlord will enforce that.

I hope your friend finds a way to have peace in her life.