'Thanks,' I guess, for getting me thinking, closeupready.

Back then, I was destined for an early death. Now I look forward to the coming day and think the best years are still to come.

Every once in a while, I grow nostalgic for the life I had twenty years ago. I was as poor as a church mouse, through having an undemanding part-time job that just barely paid the rent. I had a lot of free time to read, work out (I developed a killer set of abs...), and do whatever I wanted when I wasn't working.

But it really wasn't the best time for me. I was doing a job that I felt wasn't challenging my intellectual gifts. I worked in a mall and made too little to be able to actually purchase anything sold there. I couldn't afford a car, much less gas and insurance, so there were very few places I could go unless I could walk there. And needless to say, I couldn't afford a vacation, or even get sick for longer than a day or two.

I worked and studied very hard to become a Physician Assistant, and daily life at work can be very exhausting. I have a different set of stresses than I had back in my salad days, but I can afford almost anything I want that's worth having. I can go lots of beautiful places on vacation, or take a sick day or two without eyeing my growing pile of bills nervously.

My experiences have taught me to respect people who work very hard at poorly-paying and often unfulfilling jobs. And having money has made me appreciate just how hard my life was when I didn't have any.

Despite my recent bout of medical provider burn-out, I wouldn't go back to my "care-free" days for anything.

I don't have any desire to go back to any age.

But I do wish I had the physical abilities I had when I was a tomboy. I sure miss that feeling of power. I was quite aware of it then too. I believed I was invincible. I climbed trees, swam, ran and played with the dogs. Once I scaled a 5 story apartment building just to catch a look at the penthouse and thought nothing of it.

I feared nothing.

But it has been so long that I have to concentrate to remember her. I am more content now, but I miss the great expectations of being young.

I was going back through souvenirs and keepsakes of mine, and I found a half dozen old photos of mine - and I honestly thought to myself, "Who is THAT?" How time flies.

And when did I start to look like my mother???

I don't talk about it much but I was a generally joyful child until the disasters that surrounded my parents' divorce changed me. (This is not hyperbole--my parents' divorce is literally a neutron bomb that went off in my home when I was 11. My mother decided she had no interest in being a parent and my father tried to murder me in my sleep to deny her happiness and custody. They're both extremely-abusive, self-destructive alcoholics; if they weren't both horribly-wealthy, I probably would have ended up in foster care which would have likely left me better off.)

I've spent decades trying to find him again...but he's lost. Probably forever.

I wonder who he would be now. Often. He would have made different decisions. Better ones. Ones that probably wouldn't have turned out better but that he would not have regretted. Would he have married? Had kids? Grown up before he turned 30? He probably believes in love too. Has a career that he enjoys and doesn't value security and money so highly.

No regrets. No point in wishing different, we have only the reality to accept and to find the positive in it. Along with the bad came a lot of good in the ways that I was affected. I am formed by my experience, the good and the bad, and I can't imagine it being otherwise.

I would not have gained what I have without going through what I did. On balance, I am more than content.

For others, sadly, life is a story of slowly watching it all slip away from you.

I'm happier now at 52 than I was at 42, and scads happier than I was at 32. At 22, I wasn't even awake.

So yes, I'm better off. The best part is that I' don't regret the times I spent being unhappy. My life is full.

I do miss a certain year that I was in the Marines & stationed on a Navy base. I was dating 5 girls at the same time & still prowling for more. I was handsome, in super shape & I had some damn good game back then.

Thankfully, I took plenty of pictures. Every now & then I do think about Debbie W. sometimes.