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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsCheating on your spouse, what's worse?
I'm a private eye and tonight's subject went to an Asian massage parlor while his wife was out of town and it got me thinking.
Is there a spectrum of which is less worse and which is more worse when it comes to cheating on your spouse?
Is it worse to cheat on your spouse with an ex?
A hooker?
A Hooters girl?
A random hook up?
A coworker?
Would you kill (or leave) your spouse if they did any of these or would you let them slide if it were just a handjob?
My guy from tonight is toast because the client has been getting a ton of leverage to use against him and this is not the worst thing he's done.
In_The_Wind
(72,300 posts)Yes, some infidelities are worse than others.
Years ago I gave serious thought to becoming a PI. I still wish I had.
seaglass
(8,173 posts)bye bye.
NightWatcher
(39,343 posts)haele
(12,684 posts)Because everyone has different expectations of what fidelity is within their personal relationships, for instance:
If a person is not so concerned about sex as a measure of fidelity in a relationship, anything up to an affair with an ex or a co-worker might be acceptable if communicated honestly to them and the spouse/SO uses protection.
If a person considers sex as a measure of fidelity, then a spouse or SO just appearing to be casually interested during a nude scene in an R-rated movie is the equivalent to cheating on them. (I know a woman who is so anxious about her self-image, she refuses to let her husband watch HBO or go to an R-rated movie because he might be thinking about those women later on...)
And this can go for either a man or a woman.
Me - well, I expect communication and honesty in a relationship. I am confident in myself, and I know where I am sexually and where my spouse is sexually.
So, if sexual expectations are something that we are not totally compatible with, so long as he's honest and we talk it out first and lay out ground rules, I am open to what he needs to do to maintain an even keel. Just as I expect him listen to me and to be open to what I need to maintain myself.
The cheating, the lying, the sneaking around is the deal-breaker. Not the sex outside a relationship.
Haele
nadine_mn
(3,702 posts)It's the lying and sneaking that would hurt more for me
CherokeeDem
(3,709 posts)While I wouldn't be happy with my SO having sex with someone else, it would be the lying and sneaking around that would hurt the most... such betrayal.
We have an agreement. If I see a sexy man or photo or something that excites me, I tell him or share the photo, etc with him. The same if he sees a woman, photo whatever he likes. He feels as long as we share things together we will be fine and so far, it works.
MissMillie
(38,587 posts)If two people can't trust each other, they have nothing.
nadine_mn
(3,702 posts)I have told my husband (when he has had trips out to Vegas) if he wants to visit a brothel - fine with me, if he gets a happy ending at a massage no problem. I am pretty much his first and only (minus a college awkward night), he was raised extremely suppressed Catholic so his comfort level and experience is well...you get it.
So far he hasn't taken me up on it - I probably eliminated the thrill of the taboo by packing condoms in his luggage.
But if he were to engage in an emotional affair with a co-worker (w/ or out physical intimacy) that would be the breaking point for me.
Everyone has their own line in the sand. Before I got married, I used to think any cheating would be a kick out the door. Now that I have been married for 18 yrs, I feel a lot differently. I love my husband with all my heart and cannot imagine just walking away. We have been through so much together and survived a lot of crap.
catbyte
(34,485 posts)of a woman other than me unless she was a trained medical professional & he had a health issue. I can honestly say that neither my late husband nor I ever cheated on each other in the 31 years we were together. I've known women who were able to overlook random hookups because "it was just sex", but they wouldn't forgive an emotional connection. However, their marriages were forever damaged and in some cases ultimately doomed because of the cheating.
That guy sounds like a real prince. I hope she nails his ass to the wall.
panader0
(25,816 posts)out of town on company business in her same bed and forgetting to clean
the kitty litter boxes the time she was away. The gal you cheated with left her undies
under the bed.
Nac Mac Feegle
(971 posts)Then lying and denying it when you have proof.
And literally supporting him with your money, not hers.
True Dough
(17,338 posts)That's how it always went down on Jerry Springer, wasn't it? Or sometimes the mother or the daughter, etc.?
How long have you been a PI, NightWatcher? Where do you get training for such a thing? Is it mostly ex-cops? What's the most disturbing thing you've witnessed?
Kennah
(14,337 posts)PassingFair
(22,434 posts)I would understand if he fell in love with someone else. It would mean divorce, but I would forgive him and move on. It would mean that he had fallen out of love with me. I could never forgive him for paying someone else for sex or throwing away what we have for a one night fling.
Not while I am so in love with him, and have been for 30 years! 😍