Some people can be negative and pessimistic.

Also some people can be controlling.

On one hand that has to be annoying and you wouldn't want her to be overbearing on your brother unless HE wants it.

On the other hand she seems to be going out of her way to ride herd on the healthcare system to make sure that your bro is being treated properly. I've known many people left alone in hospitals only to not really be treated that well, not checked on often, not given medicine they needed, given the wrong medicine, or othewise abused because they didn't have an advocate there.

So in that instance a person who is sick that has somebody who really likes them and is maybe a little OCD about their care may not entirely be a bad thing.

I personally think she's being altruistic with my brother mostly to satisfy her desire to control. He deals with it better than me, though. He seems to go into "quiet monk" mode as she yaps and yaps, bragging about herself and complaining about others.

My main concern is that sometimes the squeaky wheel is TOO squeaky. I'm glad that she seems to be looking out for his welfare, but I hope that she doesn't cross the line and make his health care providers not want to deal with him because of her.

By the way, I also brought this up because I figured somebody else has dealt with someone like her and they might get a chuckle out of the behavior.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fixing-families/201504/6-tips-managing-life-control-freak

???

Excerpt:

While there are some out there who are controlling because they are into power or feel entitled and expect the world to go their way, for most controlling people it’s all about anxiety. Control is a bad solution—but it's not the problem. Often such people grew up in chaotic environments, or with anxious or even abusive parents. As children they walked on eggshells, looking over their shoulders. To cope, they became hypervigilant—always on alert, always anticipating problems.

Control—planning things out, knowing what is going to happen, knowing what others are doing, mastering the routines and rules—reduces their anxiety and makes their environment emotionally safer. When you are on top of things, bad stuff can’t sneak up on you quite so easily.

I think she's got some underlying anxiety too!

I have never met anyone as far away from a "wait and see" attitude as her. She makes predictions about the future -- bad ones -- and takes action. It's often wasted energy.

She could not sit still in his hospital room for even a second. She even wandered off for awhile and came back with literature that I didn't need, apparently because watching CNN on the room's TV wasn't "active" enough.

If she sees other people not in commotion like her, despite how circumstances don't really call for it yet, it clearly bothers her. Then they're "not really trying" or whatever.

do you know if she has other close stable relationships? if not, could be Borderline PD

I think her "friends" are other vulnerable people that "need help."

She was in the lobby of the retirement home as I was leaving one day. I stopped to talk and be friendly. One of the managers was leaving to go home soon thereafter, and this woman stopped the manager to bring up how the place was looking for new patio furniture and she'd found a great sale at such-and-such place.

The manager immediately rolled her eyes and sighed the second that the neighbor woman approached her. She kept telling her that they'd already found the furniture they wanted to buy, so she didn't need to worry about it. Yet the "conversation" continued for several more minutes.

I could see that the manager was annoyed, but the neighbor lady either couldn't see it or she just didn't care.

After the manager extricated herself and got in her car, the neighbor woman then complained that they probably found lousy furniture that cost too much money, and they didn't manage the place as well as they should.

I hope she is annoying but not actually harmful.

my best to you

I don't think she's dangerous, like in a violent way. Just shockingly annoying.

Some are determined to put such an individual "in her place," while others would just go into avoidance mode. Sounds like you don't want to stay away because of your concern about your brother, which is commendable.

Even though she is his recent companion, it seems that she is there often. That could be good -- your brother isn't lonely -- and it could be bad -- your brother isn't getting enough rest because she's constantly nattering in his ear. Fortunately the hospital stay ends soon so the likelihood of her causing any major issues in the health-care facility is minimal. How hospital staff put up with some of the whack-jobs that accost them is beyond me!

How you deal with her from here is going to require continued patience. You're not likely to change her because she's at an advanced age and possibly has some sort of condition that you'd like to have diagnosed. I think the best approach is to endure her presence for your brother's sake, consult with your brother on actions that need to be taken and then whenever she pipes up, you can tell her in a matter-of-fact way that you are appreciative that she does this and that to assist your brother but you and your brother already determined how we're going to handle the situation. Whether you want to hear her out or not is up to you, but what matters is how you and your brother decide to handle matters (maybe he values her input and will have reflected on her advice before you and your brother plan a strategy).

Good luck!

I've brought up some of that stuff to my brother in a roundabout way and he's been quick to defend her, so I don't want to interject too much.

I'll limit my contact with her and try to see my brother at the hospital, and possibly a temporary nursing facility later, when she's not there.

We know she is unable to live on her own, being in the retirement facility there with your brother--I'm assuming anyone would prefer to stay in her own home if at all possible--so this is a lady who also needs assistance. Not the kind of assistance your brother needs, but she does need assistance.

I would bet that the staff at the retirement facility roll their eyes behind her back and humor her as much as possible. I don't think a diagnosis really matters--she's old and probably a little crazy and definitely obnoxious.

But your brother apparently enjoys her company, and she is helpful to him in important ways, so my advice would be for you to step back a minute and see if she's really doing anything that could harm your brother. Having security called, inappropriate traffic behavior--that kind of thing (unless he's in her car!) isn't going to harm your brother; in fact, he might be enjoying the interesting activity she provides.

I think it's important to note that she's in a care facility herself; people in charge know what she's capable of, and if it's a reputable place, they will not let her hurt herself or anyone else. It might make you feel better to talk to the staff about your concerns regarding your brother's safety in her company--don't let her take him for a car ride--but mostly I think you ought not to worry so much about this. It's hard when you feel concern for someone you love so much, but I think if you could somehow find it in yourself to smile at her behavior, you might feel better.

I know I said a diagnosis isn't important, but I will tell you that people with Alzheimer's sometimes behave in this very aggressive way, and it can look scary. I locked my bedroom door at night to keep my senile mother from finding an "intruder" in the spare room and calling the cops. If she does have Alzheimer's, she won't stay this way forever, and being able to be of use to another human being is a genuine blessing your brother is conferring on this poor woman.

Physically, she seems to be in great shape. She has no physical disabilities at all, as far as I can tell.

She's at retirement age and she's poor, and that seems to be the main reason that she's there. It's a "HUD" place.

and glob help us all lived to be 90. Because she was otherwise healthy as a horse. Your annoying lady might be losing her mind, and if that's the case, I'd advise just keeping an eye on her via staff. Have you talked to your brother about her?

BTW another thing that can happen in Alzheimer's is hypersexuality. Which my mother suffered from. It was kind of funny--she always had a "husband" at her assisted living place (although they were never left alone together), and believed my husband was *her* husband when we visited. Awkward.

She seems to have a grasp of reality more than that.

In fact, she seems to realize that she annoys people and she seems to enjoy it. She's talked about how the people managing that HUD place would love to get rid of her because she's a "pain in their butts" while she tries to make it a better place. Her assessment of "making things better" is highly suspicious, though. I think she just wants to be the boss of people.

She had a part-time job at a YMCA a few months ago and got fired within a couple days for not doing her job responsibilities. She was apparently fluttering all over the place and trying to do other things while neglecting what was expected from her position. My sister was told by someone she knows who works there.

Not just a little stab, more like a prison shower room meant-to-kill stab.

One of my saner brothers and his wife saw it coming and tried to intervene, no success. I didn't. She was always nice to me.

Fuck, I have no good advice and I really wish I did.

that lady was supposedly "left at the altar" two different times when she was young.

She shared that with my brother. I doubt that she was actually standing at an altar while her fiances never showed up (although it happens sometimes), but it sounded like her fiances changed their minds very late in the relationships.

Edit: She's an "attractive" woman, by the way. She's too old for me, but I can imagine that she was a real cutie when she was younger.

consider getting a copy of this and thinking about it:

DSM-5

Just reading it will NEVER ever make you a psychiatrist or mental health professional, but it could be fun for ya. Second career ? :p

Best wishes.

(That lady's crazy, though...lol.)

with that woman!"

My brother wanted to be shifted up in his bed, so the nurse asked an aide in the hallway to help her pull him up (by grabbing the blanket under him). The aide was a big African American woman who said when she walked in the room, "I see that cup from (another hospital) is still here." I replied it was his cup from home, originally from another hospital stay.

Then she said, "All I know is that some woman was in here last night insisting that he use that cup because he'd be less likely to spill anything, but he was saying he'd spill less water with the cup we gave him. She argued and argued about it, then yanked the other cup out of his hand. There's something wrong with that woman!"

Then my brother said, "She's a nice lady, though."

The aide answered, "You think that's nice?!"

Getting old. It's not just a job. It's an adventure.

after insitutionalization. Which is likely in her case.

Also sounds like she's controlling as hell.

You have my sympathy. Good on you telling her she couldn't bother radiology.

I have seen my share of old people.

The mouth chewing and tics are common with a number of things (including ill-fitting dentures), but are a side effect of various anti-dementia drugs.

The random anger is also a side effect of certain anti-Alzheimer drugs.

in the sense that she enjoys dominating and forcing her will on people, and looks for weak and vulnerable people that she can be over-bearing to. More than likely it will escalate.

As it goes on it might be a good idea to watch for signs of abuse against your brother and make sure that he is still okay with her being around. Since she has a habit of getting herself removed by security it wouldn't surprise me if this situation eventually ends up with someone getting a restraining order. Clearly she is a personality disordered person and notoriously PD people do not have respect for boundaries at all.