I am truly, deeply sorry.

To the man in the suit yelling in his cell phone while driving who clipped me while driving down a designated bike boulevard and then told me to get off the fucking road, I am deeply sorry. You obliviously are a man with with an extremely important job. You were probably helping someone defuse a bomb, or walking someone through a difficult surgical emergency. I'm just glad that nobody got blown up or any rich people lost any money. I had also forgotten that bikes are only for children or adults recreating on the weekend. As I was an adult on my to work, I should have been in a car like a patriotic American. Sometimes I disgust myself in my ignorance.

To the man blocking the crosswalk while trying to make an illegal right turn on a cold rainy night, I am very sorry that one of my grocery bags touched your car while walking around your vehicle. You were well within your rights to roll down your window and threaten to kick my faggot ass. I know forcing you acknowledge an urban peasant like myself is distasteful to you. Besides, why was I walking with groceries any ways? It was like 40 degrees and raining out, I should have just stayed home and ordered Bitesquad delivery. Cooking at home? Who the hell do I think I am, some kind of chef? Again, my deepest apologies.

Speaking of food, I am especially sorry to the woman at my restaurant who's meal was unacceptable. It was 7 o'clock on a Friday,you were hungry, why should you need a reservation? Additionally I apologize for the limited menu. I know it only fits on one page and doesn't have a ceasar salad on it. Chef had only worked on it for a couple of weeks, but he is a lazy SOB. We should have anticipated that you only ate chicken and steamed vegetables. But you are a paying customer who came in without a reservation during the dinner rush. Imagine our embarrassment and shame when we did concoct a plate of chicken and vegetables to learn that you only ate boneless skinless chicken breasts and that the veggies weren't "mushy" enough. When we sent out chicken thighs and al dente vegetables, we might as well have just taken a big crap on your table. I do hope you will give us another chance and if your meal is not 110% perfect I will personally come out to your table and commit ritual suicide to wash away the shame of my failure. While this may be hard on my family, they will understand that it was all my fault and I simply did what I needed to do. The wife can always become a Backpage girl for money and companionship, and I've heard that white babies can fetch a good price on the black market. Of course Jr isn't in awesome health, considering that all we can afford for medical care are home remedies consisting of horse linament and jimson weed. It's a bargain for a young couple looking to to purchase their first child. Think of him as a starter baby.
Again, my deepest heartfelt apologies to all of you.


peace,
Noodleboy