A Look Back at the Corbett Administration 2015 - A Satirical Retrospective

Last edited Thu Mar 22, 2012, 08:43 AM - Edit history (3)

Derived from the writing of Terry Shaffer (see below).

January 1, 2015

As we approach the final days of the Corbett Administration, let’s take a look at the impressive accomplishments.

While Governor Corbett was not able to achieve re-election over that guy in jail, he did manage to place the government back under the control of the corporations…who could afford it. (Corporations have feelings, too, you know)

Feb. 2013: At his budget address, Corbett announces another round of major cuts to public schools and colleges. Actually, we don't know what he said because the event was held at charter school magnate Vahan Gureghian’s new mega-mansion in Palm Beach, to an invitation-only crowd. But that’s what Spokesman Kevin Harley said he said, so it must be true. This is the last time Corbett is seen in public.

March 2013: To "recognize fiscal realities" and reduce voter fraud, all polling places throughout Pennsylvania are consolidated to 30 locations, which are placed at suburban country clubs. Persons who are not members or invited guests are able to obtain a temporary pass card for the front gate by applying at least 6 months in advance with their grandmother's original birth certificate with a raised seal.

March, 2013: Corbett signs a multi-billion dollar contract with Gureghian’s Charter School Management Inc. to provide job training services for the state’s rapidly-growing prison population. The contract is funded by the elimination of the Pa. Department of Education and the sale of Philadelphia to New Jersey.

April, 2013: Corbett achieves a consolidation of the PA Court System with the prison system, which offers substantial savings to the taxpayer. The Governor is unavailable for comment.

May 2013: With its budget engorged by the merger with the courts, the Department of Corrections acquires sites for 15 new combination prisons/gas well complexes. The land and buildings are purchased from near-bankrupt state universities and public school districts at bargain prices. Charter School Management Inc. is hired to staff the prisons using graduates of their new state-funded Corrections Charter School.

June 2013: Responding to questions about the alleged beating death of an elderly disabled man by the Pa. Secretary of Agriculture after a bad shoe-shine, Corbett spokesman Harley says the investigation is “ongoing”.

Dec. 2013: With their funding already reduced to the level where their sole responsibility is to offer aspirin to hospice patients, the Departments of Public Welfare and Health are both unceremoniously merged with the Department of Corrections.

Jan. 2014: After the state prisons emphasized gas industry training for the last 3 years, the Marshellus Shale Coalition decides that all natural gas jobs that are not held by Texans will now be held by Pa. prison inmates. 45 new "work release facilities" are built by the Dept. of Corrections near concentrations of natural gas wells and sludge ponds. To fund the new facilities, the Pennsylvania Turnpike and all of the State Parks are sold to Vahan Gureghian.

Dec. 2014: In his final speech, taped in advance in Vahan Gureghian's guest mansion, Corbett says “It has been my pleasure to make Pennsylvania into a Commonwealth where the prosperous can prosper and not have to deal with those people."

In an unrelated announcement, Attorney General Freed says the Bonusgate investigation is “ongoing”.

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http://www.rockthecapital.com/09/19/tom-corbett-%e2%80%93-retrospective/

The original excellent essay was posted by Terry Shaffer and is available in full at the above link. I felt a need to modify it for this post because I couldn't stand the thought that Corbett would serve two terms. I also changed much of the wording to reflect my own quirks and to shorten it. If you like parts of it, credit Terry. If you don't like it, blame me.