FORT McMURRAY - Unable to cope with tumbling price of oil, several oil sands executives have taken their own lives by drinking the contaminated tap water in Fort McMurray.

“I regret to inform everyone that the CEOs of Suncor, Syncrude and Shell Canada could not cope with oil priced at $57/barrel,” said Annie Parker, media relations officer at the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers. “This was no accident; everyone knows not to drink the water around here. Let them be remembered as martyrs in the Great Oil Crash of 2014.”

Other oil and gas business leaders who felt life was no longer worth living at 40% less profit leaped from their oil rigs, drowned in the tar ponds or simply took a deep breath in the oil patch without a respirator.

At press time, the now-impoverished managers of the oil sands industry had been using the tap water to heat their mansions.