CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Saying that the species knew it had to start fucking and start fucking fast, officials from the International Union for Conservation of Nature announced Monday that loggerhead turtles—marine reptiles considered critically endangered in 2003—have successfully fucked their way back from the brink of extinction.

“We were gravely concerned that loggerheads would die out by early 2004,” said IUCN director Jennifer Demato, noting that there were estimated to be fewer than 100 of the oceanic turtles left in the world just 10 years ago. “These sea turtles were severely overhunted, millions were caught in fishing lines, and their habitats had been destroyed by ocean pollution. They had a great many obstacles to overcome, but by God, they fucked their way past each and every one of them.”

“The bottom line is that they knew they were in a big hole,” Demato continued. “So, what did they do? They bared down and fucked themselves right out of it.” By 2007, after fucking like their lives depended on it for four straight years, IUCN officials moved the species from “critically endangered” to “vulnerable.” After another six years of solid, nonstop fucking, the species reportedly blew by “conservation dependent” status and is now labeled as “near threatened.”

Sources confirmed that if members of the species can continue fucking like each one is the last goddamned loggerhead turtle on earth, it could achieve “least concern” status within a year.