A story of forgiveness and love. We all make mistakes. Your dad is a special person to be able to admit this. You are so gracoius to hear him out, to love, forgive.

here on a thread about me and my continual attempt to understand the universe.

If my dad had an education, he could have been governor. He was charismatic, smart, charming and handsome as a young man. Sadly he didn't have an education. Sometimes life sucks.

Education is key to all, expanding our thinking and viiews. Your dad received his education in the form of living his life, but he received it nonetheless.

after he broke an ankle up there 20 years ago. They gave him excellent treatment and sent him home without a bill of any sort. After that, he was pretty much a liberal on national health insurance. Duh...

I'm not an amazing son. I've been an ass-often. But so has my dad. Guess we just kind of understand each other. And we both can adapt and forgive.

Most of all though, thanks for the good will and blessings. I happily take good wishes of any sort whenever they're offered by anyone offering them. DU can be funny that way but I appreciate positive vibes/prayers/feelings anytime....thanks

He lives a couple of hours west of there.

18 wheelers without a license for 5 years in the mid-'60's. I don't remember the exact circumstances, but driving was the only way he knew to support his family so he drove. He was stopped by a state trooper in Illinois but talked him out of arresting him. Dude was good in his prime. Plus things were a little laxer back in the day.

DU is full of people who are very empathetic and I just relived a brief encounter. But I do appreciate the hug

Thanks for telling it. And as you have opened up to him, enjoy what has been offered and let him know to continue to seek the understanding of the rest of the family.

after his. He said he might try but last week he posted accusations on Facebook that I know infuriated my brother. When dad drinks he gets stupid-always has. I hope he can make peace with everyone but I'm not holding my breath.

some 20 yrs ago, he called me. I think in my lifetime, he called me that one time. We weren't close either, but we talked and we both told each other we loved one another. The next day he died. I've always been glad for that one moment that we had. It eased the whole of the terror of my childhood.

tire etc. I stopped by his house on the way out of town one Thursday when I was 22. I remember sitting on his carport and having a drink with him and talking for an hour or so. Two days later he had a stroke and died.

Regardless, I'm glad he called. It took me back a lot of years.

I'm really glad he called; that must be some kind of closure for you after all the years of silence. And you are remarkable for being so gracious, but in the end, life is short and grudges get you no where, on either side.

everything and she's the one he hurt the most. Its what she would have wanted-I do know that. Life is short and grudges not worth the time. Seventeen years ago my youngest brother (29) was killed by his estranged wife. He and I had a falling out a few years before and it was never settled and now it never can be. All I can do is love his surviving son (not the child of the woman who killed him).

while they are doing it. Unfortunately, life seldom works that way.

Its all part of the human experience. There are many things I would do differently if I could.

most incredible person I've ever known. Even after he broke her heart twice, she died loving him, forgiving him everything and wanting me to do the same. That was 1999. It took me awhile but I did.

it frees you from the hurts of the past. Thank you for a fine example, I hope I can do as well!

Maturity starts to show you what really matters.

This whole thread has helped me come to terms with something that has bothered me for a long time.

really did a big thing. Hopefully it will help him get pass his guilt.

And thank you for the kind words. Coming back to this thread tonight has really blown me away.

I realize at some point you have to love yourself and forget what others say about you. No matter what way one or other they are going to talk anyway. I am happen you are trying to let it go and at least gave your dad a little something to ease his guilt. You could have go the other way. Maybe your siblings will learn to let it go even if they can't forgive him. They will some day. But if they could find a way to talk with him maybe they will come away like you have. If they don't they will surely have bad feelings because they can't resolve their issues. Try to talk with them. I have a older brother I love dearly. After our mother died his wife did everything she could to destroy our family. It worked. She did what no sister-in-law should do to another. She was so jealous of our youngest sister and she ended up having an affair with her husband. It nearly destroyed our family. But she got what she wanted. She wanted our family out of their lives. Well we were for many, many years. Until our youngest brother died. He and their son came to the funeral. My sister's husband asked him for forgiveness and my brother gave it to him. After the funeral I spoke with him at the burial site. I thought everything would be ok. But he said he loves us all very much. But it would be best if he didn't come around. His wife didn't come to the funeral. She never asked my sister for giveness. She has always been a very selffish person. She is beautiful when you look at her but very ugly on the inside. I have tried putting my hand out to my brother. But he never answers. I have stopped trying now because I feel I tried enough now. I have to let it go because I don't want to be bitter. As much as our mother predicated what my sister-in-law would do after her death (she was right) I have to forgive her and move on. I know god will deal with her. When I die I don't want him to come to my funeral because if he couldn't try while I was living to bother to show up when I am dead. But I am much happier but I have been able to let go.

Three years later, it was a farce. What seems to be safe for eternity can vanish in an afternoon. I love my family but I've learned to never take it for granted.

close they way I would have liked. I do talk with my sisters by phone alot but it isn't the same. My twin comes to visit once in a great while. My 2 other sisters don't. One has medical issues and I understand that because I do also. I can't get around like I use to. It takes us twice as long to get there because we have to stop more often. The other sister isn't the type to stay in a quiet place like where I live. I'm upset about it. My brother visited us a long time ago and when he went back home he told her there was nothing to do. We live in the rural area. So she won't come. But hey it is there lost. I did tell my twin when I die I don't want them coming to my funeral. One I will be buried as soon as I can and why bother coming if they didn't while I was alive. I know I say it is their lose but It does hurt. They go to all the Islands.

Lots of us probably have had similar stories, but don't share them, because of whatever personal reasons, but I'm grateful that you did it here.

in my mind and the response has really amazed me.

Among other things.... you can friggin' *write*.


K and R.

BTW, guilt's gotten a bad name; most of the decent things I do, I do out of some variety of guilt.

>>>>I'm sure guilt played a huge role>>>>>

to sort out the call on paper and once I started I couldn't stop until it was done.

If it weren't for guilt I would probably be in jail or worse. My mom programmed me well-she's been dead over ten years and still makes me do right. Its ingrained.

And did it in a way that allowed most of us to relate. That's THE definition of good writing. Universality.

Most people.... esp on this particular board.... have difficult personal histories. They vary in particulars but struggling to build a decent life after a nightmarish childhood/youth is something almost everyone here can relate to. What I like most about your story is that you managed to hang on to your humanity and compassion . There's aways a temptation to be consumed by anger. Getting past that is always a struggle.

Hence the reaction to the thread. You struck a nerve.

And BTW, who said the South wasn't producing great writers anymore?

gliding through college in the '70's without really taking full advantage of what I had before me. Too much pot and beer, mushrooms and LSD, too much time wasted with similarly debauched friends led to many wasted opportunities. But I'm not bitching-I've lived a wonderful, though mundane life, have good friends and a man I've loved for 23 years. That I can live out of the closet in rural Mississippi really surprises me. The community acceptance is unreal-we hosted last years 21st annual adults only Halloween party at our house and over 50 neighbors came and had a blast. I am sometimes astounded at the social change Mississippi has experienced-so horrifyingly far-right and backward politically but welcoming Michael and me as equals socially. It boggles the mind.

I think you pretty much explained the situation-many of us have lived difficult lives-most, probably, still are. Just look at yesterdays GD thread about living on rice and beans. My childhood was sometimes tough but I never missed a meal. My mom didn't work until I was 13 and then only part time. We had extended family on both sides who made life easier-an aunt and uncle with a farm, grandparents who saw us often and were a real part of our lives. Most people today don't have anything like that-hell my own nieces and nephews don't. Our family is scattered now-we see each other once a year for an early Christmas. Families are like that now, everybody works, society changes and people adapt. But I'm very thankful for the life we had then.

And thanks for responding. DU has been my sounding board for years. Its home. I can't imagine not having you guys.

Very cool, Rowdyboy.

DU is a wonderful place for that.

problems, and, when you can, you try to rise above the hurt. My situation wasn't particularly bad. I'm afraid many people here at DU live lives today in far worse situations and far sadder, with fewer opportunities than mine in the 1960's. And if Republicans have any sucess in this years election, it will get demonstatively worse. Its really saddening.

many of us wait for a call like that in vain, for years.Glad you have it in you to forgive.

He was the father of 5 four months before his 30th birthday. I don't know what I would have done. I do know that my mom forgave him every insult and died considering him the love of her life. I honestly don't see how I could justify nursing my anger over words spoken years ago when he was drunk, or slights before that or hurting my mom. The simple answer was, for me anyway, if she forgave him, how could I not?

And I'm really glad he called too. It was good to hear his voice.

Whatever else, you probably gave yourself many years of peace of mind. You have every right to remain angry with your father, but you found it in yourself to forgive. I hope that you are greatly rewarded.

fight a fight he lost years ago. My mother died loving him and its what she wanted more than anything. What could I do?

It sounds like you have a handle on this, which is the most important. With your support, maybe your siblings can eventually get to where you are. Thank you for sharing this, my friend. Choked me up...

It dealt with something mom left my brother in her will. When dad drinks he messes up. At different times they've all been close to him and had fallings-out. I find it works best for me to keep my distance. I can care about him without requiring all that much contact.

And I don't do Facebook so I'm safe.

Folks there seem to say such personal things on the internets, for the whole world to see, that they wouldn't even say IRL. Maybe it seems odd to me because DU was the first message board I ever joined and here we all have screen names and many won't even say what gender they are, LOL.

As for alcohol, I'm in AA so I've heard all kinds of stories. Many have behaved in ways or said and done things that they wouldn't have dreamed of doing while they were sober.

If your Dad has a drinking problem, I believe that he really can't help it. My Dad did, as well, though he was a mellow drunk, but he and I had a terrible relationship when I was a teenager. I wasn't a bad kid, just a teenager, but my father didn't know what to do with me, sent me off to summer camp, then boarding school. My aunt told me that he adored me as a baby, but was a little put off when I began to talk, LOL. Fortunately, I grew up and we got along fine, and he subsequently didn't know what to do with my brother...

I'm grateful that I was able to make peace with and have a relationship with my father. He was a remarkable man and was the best humorous storyteller I'll ever know. I remember the stories, but can't tell them like he did.

I lost my mother six months ago and find I'm missing my father more than ever, though it's been 20 years. Any relationship that you can have with your father is definitely worth it. I still remember the tough years, but though I miss him and think of things I want to ask him all the time, I don't have any major regrets...

to admit they are wrong (which he has, in a way, by calling) and also a big man to forgive. I am happy for you- get things cleared up before it is too late.

One of my life-lessons is what you said-"get things cleared up before its too late".

Even with the bad times, you're right about your dad, he was one of the good ones. That somebody with only a grade school education managed to send a kid to college needs to be a real source of pride for him.

I hope you do visit him, with or without your partner. You will likely find the sick old man a completely different person from the father you knew as a kid. It's a great way to thank him for not running.

The vital, larger than life figure that I worship/hated is gone. Not sure yet about visiting-we do really well seeing each other rarely. But its something to think about.

Like all of us he's a mixture of good and bad but maybe he's growing up as he grows old. I was honest-I wish him nothing but the best.

If you feel comfortable, I think at some point you should go see him. I know it wouldn't solve everything, but he did reach out to you. And, if he is in poor health, it would do you good to bury the hatchet before he dies.

Either way, thanks for the story, it was heartwarming!

him in a week or so-something I haven't done in years. He lives a couple of hours from New Orleans and we go down a couple of times a year. Maybe a day trip next time we go down....We'll see

Hopefully all ends well!

of the response. You people are amazing and very kind. There are a thousand twists to this story-he's a complicated man who had a major alcohol problem and sadly shared it freely with his family. But there were many, many good things about him-he's a very magnetic person and capable of great generosity.

Anyway, thank you all for responding. It means more to me than you would imagine. Stuck here in rural Mississippi their aren't many kindred souls but DU is and has always been chock full of them. I'll be reading up thread and responding a bit.

You guys are the best.

he never contacted any of us again. i saw my father when i was 17. i'm 55 now. when his brother contacted us about the legal sign offs, what we wanted was to make sure we got a certificate fast so mom could get a jump in her social security checks. go see him, soon, take your partner, if he is willing, you'd be surprised about the emotional stuff that comes out on the trip home. i'm working thru some of my stuff. sending hugs to both of my "lavender brothers" as one of my bio brothers described it.

situation.

For what its worth, know that you have a couple of friends in the godawful mess that is 2012 Mississippi. Ya'll come and we'll make you feel like family. If nothing else, the food is awesome!

My folks split when I was almost five. Occasionally I got to see dad in the summers. He remarried and took on a whole new family and mostly forgot about my brother and me. He managed to make a pile of money and showered the steps with the very best of everything. My brother and I were lucky to get new jeans and shoes each year for school (not a minute before or after). When I was about 10 I said "that's enough of my trying; he needs to try some, too". I had nothing to do with him (and he forgot us again) until I was 22. We had an on-and-off friendship until he had managed to estrange everyone else in his life and found himself dying.

We did finally manage to establish peace between us in those couple of years. I wouldn't take anything for that. After all, you only get one father in life (though my granddad filled the space as a dad-figure). I did the honorable thing, gave up my career to take care of dad while he was working though his transition. (Why is it always the gay ones who take up the burdens no one else will?) Dad left a mess financially and in the house when he left the earth. Again, I gave up my career to take care of that.

Some days, I miss him, but I've missed him all my life. Nothing much different in that. Some days I'm terribly angry with him for abandoning us. When that feeling bubbles up, I do my best to lay it down and work on healing myself.

Don't miss the chance to make friends, Rowdyboy. Having a notion of peace between you will help down the line.

but I would have settled for any random tv father. Instead, I got a somewhat deranged teenager with real faults who wasn't looking for a gay son in 1960.

Your story is very tough and personal. ...Reading it really hurts-seriously hurts on a very personal level. A child shouldn't have to feel that way-ever.

These words particularly spoke to me..."Some days, I miss him, but I've missed him all my life. Nothing much different in that. Some days I'm
terribly angry with him for abandoning us. When that feeling bubbles up, I do my best to lay it down and work on healing myself."

My friend with every word of yours I read I wish you peace. We seem to be twin brothers of different mothers, and I hope both our stories end
positively. Experience does not leave me hopeful but I am endlessly optimistic.

I think we both are dealing pretty well at this stage. Cheers my friend...

.

Thanks for your response. Yeah, we do seem to have similar histories. My experience differs a bit in that I didn't want "any" dad -- I wanted my own back. It took a long time to me to see that was never going to happen.

To his credit, my granddad stepped in as my father-figure. Granddad Luke was my best buddy, confidente, Keeper of Secrets, steady guide, and prankin' buddy away from my grandmother's (evil) watchful eye. He wasn't always able to protect me from her abuse (she was as sneaky as she was abusive), but he did his best to make it up to me when he caught her and to get me away from her as much as could be done. When he passed, they could have thrown me in the hole with him. I lost my bud and surrogate dad.

Much later in life my father and I worked on building some kind of friendship. It figures he reached out back to me in earnest when he found himself terminally ill with no one else to stick up for him but me. There were some more pretty bad bumps along that road, but at the end of the day I'd rather have some good memories of him than to have that gaping hole unfilled.

The only advice I could give (if it might be of value to you) is to make a friendship while you still can. It's better to have some peace, some friendship, some positive memories than to leave a load of "what if's" in your heart unanswered.

Peace to you, my friend. If y'ever need to chat, PM me.

for his drunkenness and meanness before he died but I never really did. Moms who love their kids do things like that.

Your dad is only a few years older than me, and you are only a few years older than my daughter,Robin.

I can only tell you that attitudes toward gays has changed in my lifetime so much that it seems like a different world.

It hurts my heart and soul to think what you, and others like you have suffered just because of the way natures god has made you.

Try to forgive that ignorant and confused old man, not for his sake, but because that is the kind of man YOU are--a kind and loving soul

Just not in a bad way. We had an inside joke that she originally programmed me so of course she knew how to push my buttons. And she did-boy did she ever. Michael says she had a particularly wicked look in her eyes when she toyed with me and he's the only witness I have to our years together. She played me like a cheap guitar.

If thats so, it really doesn't change anything. In the end, I did what she expected me to do. I forgave an old man who wasted a lot of chances. I owed her that much.

You see your family dynamic in such a crystal clear way, and apparently like many others here, your story brought tears to my eyes. Please, if you do go visit your dad, ask someone to take some pictures of the 2 of you - some for you and some for him.

My mom died last year at age 90, and we recently learned that the pastor of a church she had attended many times throughtout her childhood and visited every time she returned to the town, had read the incredibly moving letter my dad wrote on the day she died. The pastor put it up in her office and invited all the congregation (about 200) to come and read it. Everyone did, and this little nugget so moved my father, also age 90. He said, "I guess her life did affect lots of people." I assured him it did, but then got to thinking. Later on I went to him and said, "Pop, I want to tell you this while you're still alive and breathing - YOUR life has made a difference, too." He then told me, "Thank you; you make me feel young."

I'm so happy he heard this and it taught me a great lesson. Thanks a bunch for your post.

members who have gone before, aunts and uncles, "greats", grandparents....its amazing.. They combined to make me who I am today.