Go to that group as soon as possible, talk to people they will help, they will at the very least give you serious insights into what you are going through and help you better understand the process of dealing with it ...

You need to understand that you cannot fix her, you can only fix you...It is hard to do but in order for you to survive you need to understand that fact...the groups work, the program works but you are only in charge of you...

Please believe me you are on the right track...GO TO THE MEETINGS...for yourself.

Everyone else has cut her out of their life including my husband and other daughter so I'm pretty alone, keeping up the professional face...

The tears are just gushing here... i guess i know intellectually what i need to do. It's just so painful...

Last night, 3 am, it finally occurred to me (duh, weak laugh), that there are support groups for this. I wish I'd thought of this long ago...I was furiously googling in the dark....

I guess I'm worried that I'm not religious. This is a 12 step program. There's another one in 10 days at a different facility thats also 12 step...I don't know. ..

Thank you again for answering. .. just feeling very swamped. ..

Some of the most spiritual people I know are atheists, even militant ones. You don't need to believe in a SkyDaddyGod to come to terms with the reality that there are powers greater than yourself, and they can do what you can't, and/or help you.

Some individual Alanon meetings might, indeed, be "churchy," and some may be challenging. But it's definitely worth a try.

Here's a couple of resources:

http://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/library/12-step-programs-for-families/

http://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/library/articles/recognizing-enabling-behaviors/

Hang in there, and put your focus where it'll do the most good: Getting rested, calm, focused, and confident.

encouragingly,
Bright

I had to quit 2 al anons because of their excessive preaching and not bright ideas (one man felt if he kept his wife pregnant enough she would eventually stop drinking, and I am sitting there thinking fetal alcohol syndrome) and found a third one that was fine.
this may be a great group and is worth the shot, if it isn't try another. and google is your friend. and talking to people here are your friends and hopefully give you comfort and support.
I have an issue with someone myself, but meth scares me so much I an thinking but at least it is only alcohol which is stupid because the person is still destroying themselves.
I wish you the best, I understand why other family has cut ties and I understand why you can't. I wish you all well.

I have been in AA for more than 30 years, I have no use whatsoever for any of the "god"stuff,but have no problem whatsoever with others "need" or desire to use that for whatever works for them...What you are describing is a pretty normal progression, you are all she has left and you think you can save her but first you need to save yourself, you can be of no use to anyone else unless you are ok first.. the groups will tell you that you are in charge/control of no one but you.

A lot of what you will hear will sound like it is pretty mean and it is pretty harsh but it is true and real and been proven time and again to work...

I sincerely hope you get the help you are seeking and do it as soon as you can...

Attend as many different groups as you can,you will find one that fits your "style" they will all help.

There's probably a listing of Al-anon contacts connected with the group you've found, somehow.

Don't be afraid to reach out and make contact, NOW, by phone or email. You're hurting, it's what Alanon is here for.

PM me if you wish, I don't think we're geographically close but I can probably point you toward some resources.

Your daughter needs you calm, focused, confident, and capable, so that's your number one goal right now.

Meth is scary, but ALL addiction is scary. Meth is a form of speed. People survive it. People recover. People live amazing lives in recovery.

encouragingly,
Bright

I've heard bad things about that one! No surprise.

I'm very familiar with Al-Anon (for family and friends of alcoholics), and sounds like Nar-anon is the same thing for family and friends of addicts, per Wikipedia.

Referring to your #2 -- as far as the religiosity, there is that, but you can ignore that part of it. There are plenty of agnostics and atheists in 12-step programs. Most groups allow a flexible "interpretation" of the 12 steps. The group or the program or anything else your imagination can come up with can serve as your "higher power" or "GOD" (Good Orderly Direction, Gift Of Desperation, whatever).

Best of luck!

Spent the last couple hours on the Nar-anon online website and looking over Tygrbrights links. Intellectually i know all this...

I just am grieving i guess. She's a year out of her last rehab (cocaine) and we dont have any more $$ for another stay. I feel so helpless.

I discovered $350 missing this am, combined with her dental checkup on Friday - 11 cavities have developed in 16 months, her irritability interspetsed with her manic motor mouth. ..

Im gibbering i know. Thing is I know what's going on. I'm just terrified. ..

http://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/library/why-you-cant-stop-someone-else-from-drinking-or-drugging/

http://treatmentandrecoverysystems.com/blogs/how-to-talk-so-an-addict-will-listen-families/why-they-quit/

All of that said, there's no point in having more money for another rehab stay if she's not ready and wanting that stay. But there MAY be insurance and/or publicly-funded resources that can help you get a slot for her when she IS ready.

That last link, about "Why they quit" has some good ideas in it about things you can do/not do to help her get ready.

If you are on Twitter, I'd recommend you show up at 8:00 pm Central time for the weekly #addictionchat, and connect with @OurYoungAddicts, who's part of a parents' network, too.

You are not alone. You are not helpless.

The first person who needs your help is you.

encouragingly,
Bright

The links are helpful

And the Alanon message you are talking about, is state of the art, for managing yourself. The little book of daily thoughts is sometimes so right it's like the message was meant for you. Buy one at a meeting and read it every morning.

I think meth might be the nastiest addiction out there. I have a feeling the let down after using leaves the person depressed, tired and lethargic. The only relief is another blast. The hold is very psychological and emotional.

my terror and grief are outsized.

She was pretty open about the cocaine use in the last 18 months, and resigned about rehab. This is just orders of magnitude different and I feel as though I've already lost her.

I'm actually better today and not as hysterical as I was the day I made the OP. I'd just discovered the missing cash and I knew, just knew - because of everything else - she was using again. I never got into the 12 step co-dependency groups because I never have felt I was enabling her.

Now I just feel helpless. I've got to stop getting sucked into her. Everyone else in my family has obviously learned this hard lesson but me... So I'm going to a Nar-anon meeting tomorrow night. It's at the rehab she came out of last year so I know the folks. I've been to family meetings there while she was a resident.

I have to do things differently.

Thanks for the advice. I'll check in when I get back home tomorrow.

One of the first things we learn in 12 step programs is that we are powerless. You cannot cure her but you can help yourself. Also, know that you can go to Al-anon meetings. You don't need to limit yourself to only nar-anon. Just try out different meetings and find ones that work for you. Most will provide phone numbers and folks really do mean it that they want you to call. Support is out there.

Finally, there is often treatment available through state and county services. Many studies have indicated that more expensive private treatments can be less effective than state of county run programs. Not all treatment is the same nor equally effective.

Others are there with the same issues. There is help at the meetings. Good luck today and everyday..

Stuart

Last edited Sun Sep 27, 2015, 06:51 AM - Edit history (1)

Currently working on it regarding my 18 year old son. I had to finally admit I was powerless over his drinking and drugging and have no control over his life.

I'm an alcoholic myself and work on maintaining my recovery on a daily basis. I know a person will not seriously commit to working on their condition or recovery until they personally decide to and want to.

Letting go of that perceived control over a child/spouse/parent/friend/etc is difficult for codependents, it may actually feel impossible but it can be a reality. Get to a meeting, Al-anon, Narc, whatever, both apply and try multiple ones until you find something that fits if the first one doesn't. I know drug addicts that prefer AA over NA, it just fits them better even though alcohol wasn't their primary addiction.

I wouldn't get hung up on worrying about it being religious because it isn't, it's supposed to be "spiritual". You can shape your personal higher power into what you want it to be, no one else has control over that.

You are only capable of taking care of and working on yourself and that should be your primary focus.

Both at the same place. Pretty religious but I know I need to try to overlook that for now.

I tried to go to the one meeting closer to me but it's obviously been discontinued. Spent 45 minutes searching but nothing. The buildings been torn down. Went to the other address listed for their AA programs and discovered it was a private home and it was dark. No answer on the phone number either - that night or the next day.

I'm thinking I'll try an Al Anon group as well since there's more of them in my area. The 30 minute drive will get more difficult when the snow flies.

I pretty much spent the first meeting tongue tied and weeping. Tonight I was more coherent. It's very small - only 6 of us, two couples whose adult sons are residents of the inpatient hospital there and the facilitator. Their concerns are pretty different than mine but I did buy the SESH book and am determined to not give up.

I have to stop obsessing over this and come to some peace about it.

Thanks again everyone. I will update every so often as there's/if there's progress...

I am sorry I did not answer sooner..Starting is the very hardest thing.. Look for meetings. You will find one that you like. First meeting I went to (a very long time ago...lets say more than 30 years ago)..was not for me..why?..didn't feel right. So I finally after more and more worry and sadness. I did find one that I liked..for some reason, it felt more comfortable. It wasn't easy and never is. Please don't give up...take care

Stuart

tonight I finally went to a different meeting. This group is much closer to my house and they finally answered my voicemail message from weeks ago desperately seeking their location.

And whew! Couldn't be more different. I've been to three meetings at the rehab hospital and they've been very religious, very clinical, very dry. Strictly 12 Step and had no answer for an atheist. The meetings were devoted to prayer and all three sessions were an in depth analysis of the Serenity prayer. Nobody ever offered any outside support and frankly I felt pretty awkward there.

Tonight?! 180 degree difference! Hugs and compassion instead of cool analysis. Not religious other than after the meeting, individuals came up and asked for my daughters name to pray for her. Lots of wry laughter at "our" joint predicament. Lots of gallows humor but in the best way - all of us are shackled to this madhouse forever and we're never getting out. Did I mention lots of hugs.... Everyone shared phone numbers with me. Everyone told me to call any time, day or night. I explored their Facebook page when I got home - searingly honest, funny, local.

Some folks had such terrible stories - children in jail, children on their 25th!!! rehab. Everyone just warm, philosophical, accepting even in the face of enormous adversity. I can only hope to someday attain a fraction of their peace - all of them attributing their "success" to this group.

I may have found a "home". Maybe I'm getting better at explaining why I'm "there" but tonight I got through my intro without utterly breaking down. Maybe it's because the warmth of the group enveloped me and I could tell my story entirely buttressed in that place.

I have to go back to the rehab hospital weekly meeting on Thursday to return a beautiful religious medallion one of the members gave me on my first visit. I wouldn't feel right keeping it but since I'm not sure I'll be back, I need to go.

Onwards!

*Brave smile*

I recall the first meeting of a 12 step program I went to..They ended with the Lords Prayer, which I hated. So I thought I sure didn't need them. So I never went back to that meeting. For awhile, I did beat the problem, but then it came back worse than ever so 10 months later, I went to another meeting. It was totally different, just like you said. and I stayed and didn't give up. I have come to grips with that problem and many others. I am very glad that I went to another meeting..thanks again for your story!

Stuart

I'm sick, literally sick.

I posted her bond and got an attorney but I'm definitely feeling torn between trying to help her stay out of prison or whether I "let her go". My husband doesn't know I did this. He's determined to cut her off. I don't have unlimited "personal" funds to do this much longer.

19 years old. Her teeth are almost all brown or black. Her hair is a mess and she's starting to exhibit the classic skin lesions. She's 5'2 and maybe weighs 80"lbs right now. She's refusing rehab (even if I could afford it - bitter laugh). Still insisting she's not a drug addict...

My local Nar Anon group has been great but nothing prepares you for this major step into the next circle of hell.

I'm watching her slowly die.

I know I don't really post on DU anymore but I wanted you all to know your direction and lifeline at that moment back in September made a difference. Please know you are making a difference even if you don't come here often.

I wish I could think of something that would be helpful, but I can't think of anything. It's such a tough situation. Good luck to you and your daughter.

forget rehab..get her in a hospital as soon as possible....use any excuse, perhaps only living relative..call the fire department, have them take her..

I am so sorry for you. I am sorry I did not respond sooner. It is not just drugs, she has an eating disorder that is extremely dangerous. My best to you everyday..

And she stopped answering her phone last week.

My hope is she shows up tomorrow and I can figure out what to do next if she comes to court. If she doesn’t show I'm contacting the police and reporting her missing.



...Ok, eyes dried and weeping stopped. ..

I'm going to stop posting here fyi. Its too painful and honestly its too raw to write about in public. You've all been terrific, that's what I really wanted to say. My RL Nar-Anon group has been a lifesaver and I probably would have bailed on sticking it out to find "the right one" without you all.

PM me if you're interested in updates

Group hug from me

My son is addicted to heroin. I have watched him go from weed to prescription pills to meth to heroin you name it he has done it. I have tried everything to help him. Nothing has worked I have just basically cut him out of my life. He has to want to quit and get the help he needs on his own.
There is nothing more I can do.