We’re not perfect friend

The biggest help for me was having a sponsor who I could call on if I needed to. She was able to help put things in perspective for me and stop the destructive cycle. She also belonged to more than one group, including OA - Overeaters Anonymous - which I attended with her and on my own. Her issue was overeating, mine was just the opposite, when I drank, I didn't eat and put myself in jeopardy. And the principles are the same and the support and being able to talk to others with similar issues made a big difference for me. I had thought it was just me.

And I punished myself as well, once I learned that's what I was doing, it helped to break the cycle. In AA we say that we "drink poison, hoping someone else will die." I'm not doing that anymore, but it took me awhile and having support and discovering that I wasn't alone sure helped. You've come to the right place.

the purgeing is worrisome though. Have you sought counseling?

In a world of security insurances and spread-sheet predictivity it's hard to achieve a survivable incident which renders that sort of personal epiphany. The isolation of the pandemic tends to insulate us from even the most mundane corrections. We're often left ungrounded and twisting in the wind, so to speak, an aggravating condition and an unnatural position. I understand your position, I think. Like an artistic soul who has no talent. Frustrating.
Do a diary documenting everything you do and experience. Leave out no detail. Avoid analyzing though, odd introspective dalliances are too droll in the retelling unless you have plans to be a stand-up comic. Simply relate the events. This drudge work should keep you occupied enough to get through and provide interesting reading for a future time when you need to mollify some passing exuberance. Oh and it's spring, too. Probably an allergy.

one I think you need to do - but that is just my opinion) is 11. That step sent me on a spiritual quest many years ago and I am still on it.

Eckhart Tolle says that addiction happens when you are not willing to sit still with pain. When you try to cover it up with anything that starts addiction. And if you sit with the pain eventually it will transform to peace. I even have a CD of his with a meditation about doing this. I tried to find it on Youtube but I can't.

And he said this:


"When you can no longer feel the life that you are you are likely to try and fill up your life with things"

If I can pay attention to the space within me and actually look at the space outside of me I become peaceful. And I notice now that if I am paying attention to things for too long a period of time I become uneasy and get into depression or anger or anxiety. So I try to look at the space around me first and it really always does calm me down. The problem is I forget to do this so..............

Anyway I learned about him from Oprah. She did a special years ago on his book, "A New Earth" and it is great.

He was told by a member of the Oxford group a kind of list of the steps but he didn't actually work them at the time this happened - except for step one.


"In December of 1934 Bill Wilson was in Towns Hospital off Central Park in NYC for what would be his last detoxification. During this hospitalization Bill had a dramatic “spiritual experience.” Bill describes this dramatic experience in his history of A.A. (1957, p.63):

“My depression deepened unbearably and finally it seemed to me as though I were at the bottom of the pit. I still gagged badly on the notion of a Power greater than myself, but finally, just for the moment, the last vestige of my proud obstinacy was crushed. All at once I found myself crying out, ‘If there is a God, let Him show Himself! I am ready to do anything, anything!’

Suddenly the room lit up with a great white light. I was caught up into an ecstasy which there are no words to describe. It seemed to me, in my mind’s eye, that I was on a mountain and that a wind not of air but of spirit was blowing. And then it burst upon me that I was a free man. Slowly the ecstasy subsided. I lay on the bed, but now for a time I was in another world, a new world of consciousness. All about me and through me there was a wonderful feeling of Presence, and I thought to myself, ‘So this is the God of the preachers!’ A great peace stole over me and I thought, ‘No matter how wrong things seem to be, they are still all right. Things are all right with God and His world.’”

And yet in "How it works" it says, "having had a spiritual experience as the results of these steps"! They clearly make it seem as if you have to do all the steps to get a spiritual experience when this is not what happened to Bill W.

What funny is if you read Eckhart Tolle's story he had a similar experience even down the the full blown depression beforehand.

Here is the link: http://dubgrp.com/content/william-james-bill-wilson-and-development-alcoholics-anonymous-aa

..."..if for no other reason that I deep down don't believe I deserve good day....?

Sure that is as good a reason as any...Often, I think deep inside....this thought..."I don't deserve to be
happy."

....Now that thought is very close to your thought..I know where it came from, and I know why I still have it,
but the key to dealing with it is this, "What would my higher power say to do?"...That is why having some
kind of higher power is so important for us..

....Deep down, My higher power says, "Leave that thought alone, try not to pay attention to that thought,
and think about something that can take you away from that thought"...

Now of course, I don't have to listen to that HP...but that does make a lot of sense to me, so I try to move
on away from that thought and think about something else..Sure, it ain't easy, but for me that is the
solution. Now my HP ain't the same as yours, and that is OK..And, I don't always listen to the HP, but
that is also OK. But we know the show, and we have seen it before. If we don't listen to the HP, then
we hurt ourselves...Does the HP want us to hurt ourselves?...My HP does not want me to hurt myself.
Do I have to listen to it?...No, I don't have to listen to anyone. But, is it in my interest to listen to this
idea of...not hurting myself?

.........Maybe...just for today...I will listen to the idea of..not hurting myself...Tomorrow is another
day..I can do something different, but just for this time, I can listen to the HP. You say...it can't be that
simple...Maybe it isn't that simple, but this works for me...and they say that what works for you
is what you got to do...(Oh, it took me a long time to realize that one..& it does work for me........

............One Day At A Time, & One Moment At A Time