I come from a very very large family...I think we have a bit of everything you talked about...but not in one person.

My first feeling is you are absolutely correct that you don't have to put up with abuse. It is not your fault..and although she is your sister you are not obligated to be her punching bag.

First of all... it may be a good time for you to talk to a counselor to help walk you through this.

However....

Personally... I would write her a letter. Letters can't be interrupted. You can say what you have to say without having her go on a rant. Use the letter to explain your position. Telling her that you will not ever allow her to be anything but civil with you. If she can't comply or agree, you will not have contact with her. Period.

If she calls and starts ranting... hang up ... if you are at a family function and she starts... walk away. I would encourage you speak to your other sisters and hopefully they will support you and possibly do the same.

Also include a suggestion that she seek counseling for her anger. Nobody should live a life in anger and tell her that.

I have been dealing with depression and can understand how debilitating it can be. However, from what you wrote, I agree that she is more than depressed. She really does need to see a professional to help her with her anger issues and control issues.

With that... you can't change another person.. they have to change themselves.

Today...someone posted this link... she might take a look at it....

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

A nurse that deals with terminally ill patients shares what she has come to understand.

The one that had the most impact for me... Happiness is a choice! I have to keep reminding myself that.

Life is too short to be dragged in the drama she creates. I have a sister who does the same thing ... maybe not to the degree but.. 3 of her siblings have distanced themselves from her, me included.

I have come to understand I can't change her or make her understand what she is doing wrong. I have tried... but have now closed the door on her. I love her and she can be a great person but for my own well being I have had to move forward without her.

With that... good luck... keep me posted on how things proceed.

Peace

YM

What a tough situation. Perhaps keeping in mind that your sister is sick might help your relationship with her.

Keep on posting and reading. We are all doing the same thing - dealing with impossible situations without a clue what to do next.

Ah, sweet joy.

for now to respond to her email that yes I forgive her and we can move forward and have a good time at our parents party? Then once this is over, I can write that long letter to her?

We (my 3 other siblings, 2 sisters and a brother) want to get through this without my parents knowing my sister caused all this grief. At some point my mom will know because she and I go out together and she knows me, but I would like for that to be after the party.


PS - she went off on one of my sisters when she suggested that sister #1 might want to consider getting back on the anti-depressives.

You will find nothing but love and support here.
WE understand, really we do.

There is nothing more painful than dealing with a loved one who is
not in treatment.

Lesson #1- Take NOTHING she does or says personally. Hard I know, but a must for survival.

Lesson #2- Offer love, lots of it- she may come to feel safe with you and be open to treatment.

Lesson #3- TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Julie Fast has a wonderful book for people who have loved ones who are struggling.
Her web site: http://www.bipolarhappens.com

BHN ((((((((HUG)))))))))

I don't think I can be the one to offer her much as she doesn't want it from me. She decided a long time ago that I'm somehow out to get her. Every time I open up to her and try to have a relationship it turns into an opportunity for her to attack me.

My younger sisters may be able to get through to her but I don't know. This was the first time they have suffered her wrath as it had always been directed at me in the past. They don't know how to deal with it - I at least had years in Al-Anon that helped me realize that I "didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it"...whatever the "it" is; whether it's depression, someone's drinking or something else.

Right now, I'm in defensive mode. When I suffered the panic attack, it had been so long since I had one that I didn't even realize what it was at first. A friend pointed it out to me. I can't go back to that place. I worked too hard to overcome it.

I appreciate all the advice and kind words. I responded to her email by saying that I can and have forgiven her and that we could move forward to have a good time at my parent's anniversary party. I don't know what else to say to her right now so I left it at that.

Look up narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. See if any of that stuff rings a bell regarding your sister.

more so when they are relatives. I hope that you and your sister can each find some peace!

alone, my sister emails me today to let me know that she called the restaurant where the party is going to be and they told her she could bring a CD player. She informed me that she would be bringing the music. Basically, it was a nah nah nah I can do what I want without conferring with anyone else kind of thing. The thing is, if she knew my Dad at all she would know he isn't going to want music playing. He wears a hearing aid and in a closed room with 30+ people the music will drive him crazy. Then she asked "what else is being done".

Oh, no, she's not dragging me into that discussion. No matter what I said it wouldn't be right so I just replied "I just got up and don't have any idea what is else is going on." I knew she had already talked to my other sisters and knew exactly what was going on - she was baiting me.

So, she has set herself up to get her feelings hurt when my Dad asks for the music to be cut off - and he will. Then we can hear how unappreciated she is and how everyone picks on her.

I really just want her to leave me alone. We can do the fake air kiss thing at family get-togethers and that's really all that's necessary as far as I'm concerned.