NRA Proposed Firearms Law Would Restrict Ownership

by Noe Schuting

In a closed news conference, Wayne LaPierre, of the National Rifle Association, today proposed a radical and exclusive firearms control law. After careful screening and passing through a metal detector and frisking, a select group of media reporters was admitted to the secure briefing room. LaPierre immediately launched into his remarks.

"The American People are shocked and dismayed at the recent violence in Paris and dangerous incidents within the United States. Firearms in the wrong hands are creating a dangerous world, and we are now proposing a federal law that would restrict firearms ownership to only those who deserve to own them. This law would impose strict limitations on who could own firearms by requiring NRA membership before a permit to own a firearm could be issued."

He continued:
"The NRA will conduct thorough screening of all membership applications and will deny membership to the following groups. Without NRA Membership they people not be able to own firearms in any form, and any currently owned will be confiscated by heavily-armed local law enforcement SWAT units:"

Followers of the Islamic Religion - The reasons are quite obvious.
People with Weird or Foreign Sounding Names - Why take chances?
Certain Ethnic Minorities - These will be determined based on arrest statistics.
Card-Carrying Democratic Party Members - Such people are anti-American.
Anyone We Don't Like - Any suspicious characters will be denied a membership.

When asked if these new rules would unfairly restrict people's rights under the 2nd Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, LaPierre's reply was brief and to the point:

"We will determine what people deserve those rights."

It remains to be seen whether such an exclusive law will be enacted by Congress, of course, but LaPierre indicated that they had enough supporters lined up in the House of Representatives to pass it quickly.