Different situation than my desire to advise.

I may have misread the post. Thought the OP was the child's father.

You have a five year old African American child in your Sunday School class, whose African American mother told you as a Caucasian or non African American that she needs your help to talk to her child?

I'm European-American. I've taught a progressive Kindergarten in Harlem and I'm familiar with a variety of programs to promote multicultural education. I've just never had the experience with bold-face racism and sexism against one of my kids. I haven't known it personally and feel taken aback at my impotence from that. I have to address it and don't want to miss this opportunity.

Okay. I guess it just wouldn't occur to me to ask someone outside of my own community to help. It makes sense that they did ask you. Since, you have the background and experience that you do. I agree with another poster. I think it's about that age that you get questions and concerns about race. This conversation reminds me of the children with the dolls that were black and white.

I do believe there are a variety of books that discuss these kinds of issues. With my own children, these issues have been discussed while we're doing something else. One of my sons overheard some adults in one of our children groups discussing the fact that they thought he was photographed a lot because he was the "black one". My husband and I did used to joke that cameras just seem to find him. He's always in some little brochure or in a photo for the local newspaper for a sport or award...or just wandering around in a park. Well, on this occasion he was planting trees with some other little boys and these parents were offended that a photographer stopped by him and snapped a few photos. It was a really random kind of thing.

But, nevertheless, there were some peeved adults. And, he overheard the conversation. Unfortunately, it wasn't random rambling or curiosity. It was accusatory. They felt they had picked the black boy to take a picture of...over and above the white boys...because he was black. The photographers were white. We had no idea why they snapped the pictures. They were just snapping picture. But, he was friends with the other boys and later they also brought the complaints of their parents to him. My husband and I found out later that this was an issue. My son had stewed over it quietly without mentioning the encounters.

Well...I mean what can you say? For some people, ethnicity matters. Color matters. It won't matter for everyone you meet. But, unfortunately, it'll matter to some. You reinforce that good character matters. You reinforce that they are handsome, that they are beautiful. That differences are wonderful. Since I'm a Christian, I always mention that God created us in His image. So, we must all be beautiful.

For me, it has to be brought up in a matter of fact way. Because of where I live, and I think many parents would agree. You have to raise children to have pride and high self esteem. But, I also have to raise sons who won't throw a fit when a police officer pulls them over for walking down the street. Maybe your friend, Johnny can catch an attitude (although I don't recommend it), but you sure as heck can't. You can't raise children with a chip on their shoulder. Maybe in some areas, but not in mine.

I can't tell my children that color doesn't matter. I have to be honest. We're all different, baby. People respond to that difference in different ways. Not always good ways. You'll have good days and bad. But, always treat people right. You've got to learn to be tough young. And, to be honest. Some days, you just have to be blunt. The world won't let some children stay young for long.

I emphasize their beauty at every opportunity to counteract what I think the world will do...and in some cases has done. And, yet...some days. My children are still "color struck". I wish I had a better answer for you.

The only way I know to combat the helplessness is to raise them aware. You want to protect them as long as you can. My youngest one is six. He's had the longest reprieve yet. But, with big brown curls, a white dad, a black mom, and a sensitive spirit. I know it's just a matter of time. This world will steal the innocence of another one of my boys. And, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. But, love him.

I am a white man with a black wife and daughter. We live in the suburbs of DC, which, due to immigration, is wildly diverse, with an average of 90 different nationalities in each school. Black children in our schools can as often be from Africa or Latin America or the Caribbean as from historically African-American local populations.

My daughter is also 4, about to become 5. She goes to a local Montessori school, at great expense to us. The interesting thing is that the school is full of brown-skinned kids from all over the world, with very few white families in this school. Most parents are pretty upscale professionals. There is an African-American contingent in this group, though if I am asked for a dominant contingent, it would be East Indian.

The cool story is that my daughter's best friend in the school is a little blond-haired blue-eyed girl born on the exact same day that she was. This white girl so admired my daughter's braids that she asked her mommy to braid her hair the same way, and her mommy did. The world is capable of change.

Don't you love the innocence of children? And, I love the diversity that your child gets to experience. If we end up moving, I do hope it is to a place with so much diversity that my little family no longer stands out. I would love to just blend in for at least a little while.

I don't think we have to recommend one or the other, I'd just go to the bookstore with the child and 'help' pick out a few with positive role models for the child to identify with.

Also, it may help to find toys which resemble your child to help reinforce that self-image. I wouldn't try, at this point, to bear down too hard on the question. Chances are, it can resolve itself with time. I would continue to do all of the things as a parent to positively reinforce behavior and image; encouragement, challenges. Listening to the child and drawing them out without necessarily interjecting with a solution can often be the best medicine; accepting their emotions without much judgment.

Hope this helps. Five is an impressionable age, but there is plenty of opportunity right now to set things on a good course.

I think what you've done so far is great. I would also ask mom about the messages her daughter is getting from those close to her (family etc). If she is getting negative messages at school, those messages are magnified and made extremely powerful if the important people in her life echo these even if to a lesser degree. It looks like she is quite possibly a sensitive child and may require more reassurance like more of what you have already suggested. I haven't seen it but the movie by Chris Rock, Good Hair comes to mind

Most kids are lucky if they can make it to four before they start to internalize racism considering its pervasive presence in American culture. It is really, really important to you guys and everyone who loves this child to tell her that she is beautiful, that she is valuable and that you are so glad that she is here.

I also think it's important to show this child pictures, books, movies etc. featuring other little black/brown boys and girls and adults as much as possible. http://afropuffsandponytails.com/category/books-for-black-girls-2/

It is a full time job inoculating your child from a culture that teaches her at practically every opportunity that she is "less than" others because of her appearance while at the same time giving her the tools (intelligence and confidence) she needs to be successful IN said culture. I wish you and your little girl nothing but success.

"It is a full time job inoculating your child from a culture that teaches her at practically every opportunity that she is "less than" others because of her appearance while at the same time giving her the tools (intelligence and confidence) she needs to be successful IN said culture."

Especially when our culture is so good at attempting to define beauty, intelligence, art, family, etc...and so quick to dismiss our own choices.

As much as I love our President, and I personally think he's doing an awesome job, I have to wonder. If a black man or woman with his credentials but without his good looks, and multicultural background would have had half the chance to get elected. To a certain degree, a part of me recognizes that he quietly passed a test that made him more acceptable to the masses.

I love my country. But, I just don't have that level of faith in America, yet. His election hasn't given me that assurance. But, it's a start.

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if he really did "pass" that test. Everytime I see a white person go on "reminding" everyone that Obama "is just as much white as he is black," I can't help but wonder if people have ever truly seen this man the way that he obviously sees himself.

President Obama has always referred to himself as a black man. I'm willing to be everything that his wife and children refer to him as a black man. His WHITE MOTHER referred to him as a black man. (I read an article recently where she was worried about bringing her then young son for a visit to Australia because of Australia's whites only immigration policy. She was concerned because IN HER OWN WORDS, "my son is black." And that was by no means the only time she referred to him that way.)

And yet, I'm still constantly seeing a stream of whites that go out of their way to "remind" everyone that the president is biracial as if the way that he sees himself is not only meaningless, but UNTRUE. Never mind the fact that the president is only doing what bi-racial blacks have done for centuries. Somehow this one particular biracial person calling himself black is some sort of dishonest betrayal of what he "truly" is. It's astonishing.

I also think about it in terms of Michelle Obama. Because, let's be honest. A few of us probably identify even more with the first lady than the President. Even those on friendly terms with the President, seem to want to disregard her. I remember when she made some comment about his dirty socks...and even some democrats were just alarmed.

I remember thinking...good grief, of course the man may throw his dirty socks anywhere. It's probably easier to find a man that doesn't. (Sorry to throw neat men under the bus) I'm just saying it seems that he gets a pass that she does not. Is it all in my mind? Is it because she's a black woman without the qualifiers (bi-racial, etc). Or, just because she's a black woman.

By the way, it is entirely possible that I am simply being too sensitive.

he asked me why weren't there any heroes who looked like him.

I tried to explain to him that there were many heroes who looked like him, but unfortunately they weren't all made into action figure toys.

As luck would have it, within a week of that conversation, there was this breaking news announcement that Mandela would be released from prison. I called my son to the TV. I gave him a brief history lesson about Mandela. I told him that Nelson Mandela was a son of Kings. I explained how he was a hero and a leader of his people.

When I picked him up from after school care, the owner told me how my son was telling all the other kids about the Prince that he saw on TV. He told the kids about the Prince who was a hero. A hero who looks just like me.

The Mother has to work twice as hard to build the child's self esteem. She must use any and every opportunity to show her child that she is beautiful and unique.

o my, i gasped.

what an amazing and beautiful vision you gifted your dear son, NOLALady!!

my son was telling all the other kids about the Prince that he saw on TV. He told the kids about the Prince who was a hero. A hero who looks just like me.

i just cried reading that.

"I told him that Nelson Mandela was a son of Kings." magnificent

i love this:

The Mother has to work twice as hard to build the child's self esteem. She must use any and every opportunity to show her child that she is beautiful and unique.

I welled up. She also had tears in her eyes. She whispered "Thank You" to me.

Another time, when he was about the same age, he told me that people were like the roses in my garden. I asked if he had been talking to his Dad.

Hubby said he had asked why we were all different colors. Hubby is a white skinned, green eyed black man. I am colored similar to Obama. My son is similar to Michelle. Hubby took him for a walk through my garden when he asked that question and pointed out the rainbow of colors.

We are a minority in a very red area near New Orleans. We knew from the beginning that we had to stay on top of everything. It became a joke in the school if they saw Hubby walking across the campus towards the principals office. They would check with other staff members to make sure that nothing had happened to our kid.

We were raised in the Catholic school system, so naturally we sent our kids to the Catholic schools. I could not believe the racism that came from those kids. My son had no idea what the N word was, until his first day at school. And, yes, I expected more from a Catholic school. Hubby took off from work and we were at the school on his second day.

They promised to discipline the kids and talk to the parents. I told them they needed to educate the kids and their parents.

I am glad that you enjoyed the Mandela story. It's one of my fondest memories, and one of my proudest moments.

"when he was about the same age, he told me that people were like the roses in my garden."

you and your husband are pouring out such precious wisdom, grace, self-esteem and appreciation to your dear son, NOLALady! as Number23 said upthread, "It is a full time job," and your son expressing what he has been shown full time by you, in such beautiful words, is breathtaking! - your staying on top of everything, as you say.

"if they saw Hubby walking across the campus towards the principals office. They would check with other staff members to make sure that nothing had happened to our kid." so wonderful!!

i might also have expected more of a catholic school, once upon a time, much because there were black students at catholic schools i attended, and that was before many public schools were really integrated - which was long after the law said they were to be integrated, of course (if even yet!) - so i kind of hoped/dreamed they might continually progress from there. i wonder if the viciousness of the kids you mention was an increase parallel to that in public schools, as so many schools have seen happen, as kids become more openly vicious in so many ways these days.

"they needed to educate the kids and their parents." i hope they care and do that!! i see your son is going to be teaching them, and i hope he is heard!! - while he has you to guide him through what they are lacking.

to read of your son's profound admiration of Mandela fills me with deep, deep JOY for him and for you!!

- and for myself, since his words express my own less ably expressed feelings for beloved Prince Nelson Mandela - a lifelong hero/Saint of mine.

you tell this so beautifully, and it is so precious, that i can not imagine it not bringing tears. joyful ones and sorrowful ones. but thinking of your son, it is most of all joyous ones.

thank you so very much, NOLALady!!

http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0509/The_Presidents_hair.html

It's the photo with the little boy who wanted to touch the President's hair. Now, although I am a sap, I'm not quick to cry. But, this photo really touched me. As adults, I think we forget what it's like to see life from a child's perspective. I mean...could you imagine being in the room with this little boy and the President when he asks if he could touch the hair on the President's head?

It also brings to mind the topic of white privilege that we discussed earlier. For instance, if a little white boy meets a white president, do you really think he'll find it necessary to touch the man's hair. You know...like, is it really possible that he's just like me. Really.

And no, I'm not a sap either, but my eyes got more than a bit misty when I saw it.