ESPN Has Been Talking About Beards For 80 Straight Hours

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BRISTOL, CT—As part of their 2013 World Series preview, ESPN, the world’s largest sports broadcast network, has been airing content about Red Sox players’ beards, their beard lengths, and the itchiness of their unkempt beards for 80 hours straight, sources confirmed Wednesday. “The Red Sox players have grown very big beards, and this is a story that needs to be told all day, every day, morning, noon, and night,” said Senior Vice President of Programming Rick Berry, adding that for the foreseeable future, all broadcast time on ESPN and its sister networks will be filled with comparisons of one Red Sox player’s beard to another’s, humorous anecdotes about who on the team is unable to grow a full beard, and interviews with baseball analysts about when and why the members of the Red Sox decided to grow their beards. “Tonight On ESPN2 we will be airing Outside The Lines: Beards, after which ESPN viewers can watch Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser do an all-beard edition of PTI. And then, instead of the Celtics-Nets preseason game, we’re just going to air a previously recorded interview with Mike Napoli where we ask him about his beard for two and a half hours. ESPN is covering this beard situation from all angles.” When asked if ESPN cameras will be present if and when Red Sox players decide to shave their beards, Berry said, “You better fucking believe it.”