Religion
Related: About this forumGrieving as an atheist: a surprising dilemma
When you can no longer say 'I'm praying for you' or 'the person is in a better place' to someone who is grieving, what's left to say?
Tiffany White
theguardian.com, Monday 23 September 2013 08.30 EDT
I can't remember the exact moment I became an atheist. There was no epiphany moment. I simply moved away from religion gradually until the binds fell apart completely (those binds being agnosticism, which got tossed once I realized I was simply prolonging the inevitable). But since I became an atheist, I wouldn't say it made any drastic changes in my life – until my best friend called me one day to tell me her mother passed away.
Although we live in different parts of the country (me in New York, she in Oklahoma), we still call each other weekly. But on that particular day the usual familiarity of speaking over the phone was eclipsed by the suddenness of tragedy. I couldn't give a sympathetic hug or offer a shoulder to cry on. All I could offer were my condolences ... which were what exactly?
"I'm sorry for your loss" felt too impersonal. That's what you say to acquaintances, not best friends. "I'm here for you", I told her, which still didn't feel like enough.
I felt like I should have been saying the usual things: "God is with her now", "She's now in heaven" or "You're in my prayers". These phrases sound better because these are the phrases we're used to saying. "She's in a better place" provides a sense of hope and optimism. "You're in my prayers" shows caring and understanding. But that day, as I stood there on the phone struggling to think of the right things to say, I realized I couldn't say those phrases anymore. I couldn't tell her I was praying for her because I wasn't. I couldn't tell her I thought her mother was in "a better place" because to me that place was a hollow grave.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/23/atheist-grieving-what-to-say
= new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight:
NoneDon't highlight anything
5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
DetlefK
(16,423 posts)My grandfather died a slow death. We were all glad for him, when it was over.
rug
(82,333 posts)Watching a loved one die is one of the worst things we experience.
Arkansas Granny
(31,534 posts)Most of my friends and co-workers are not aware that I am a non-believer. Maybe it's a little dishonest, but when I use the phrase when someone asks me to pray for them, it is never questioned and I don't feel the need to offer any explanation.
pipoman
(16,038 posts)I hope I die without experiencing them..
Warren Stupidity
(48,181 posts)Last edited Mon Sep 23, 2013, 10:47 AM - Edit history (1)
The Franciscan monk who conducted the ceremony started out by noting that all of those idiotic comfort phrases just don't apply. Death is hard for the living.
rug
(82,333 posts)A friend of mine played this song on an acoustic guitar at my daughter's funeral.
Amid the roses Mary sits and rocks her Jesus child,
While among the tree tops, sighs a breeze so warm and mild.
And soft and sweetly, sings a bird upon the bow
Aaahh baby, dear one, slumber now.
Happy is thy laughter,
Holy is thy silent rest
Lay thy head in slumber,
Soft upon thy mother's breast
Aaahh baby dear one, slumber now.
No Vested Interest
(5,167 posts)Sad occasion, and the beautiful song would have me - or most anyone- in tears at the death of a child.
cbayer
(146,218 posts)friend and decided she really didn't have to say anything.
That sounds about right and what one should do whether one is a believer or non-believer.
The rest of her dilemma is just nonsense, imo. No one ever knows the right thing to say at times like these and generally the survivors just want to know that you care.
dimbear
(6,271 posts)cbayer
(146,218 posts)
LostOne4Ever
(9,290 posts)[div class="excerpt" style="margin-left:1em; border:1px solid #bfbfbf; border-radius:0.4615em; box-shadow:3px 3px 3px #999999;"]When you can no longer say 'I'm praying for you' or 'the person is in a better place' to someone who is grieving, what's left to say?
As said above, I would say, "My thoughts are with you and your family" or, "Their suffering is over now." In the author's case I think the author could have simply expressed the depth of her sympathy for her friend by stating the very feelings she was experiencing "I simply can not think of the words to express how truly sorry I am for you loss."
The purpose of believers when they say "Ill keep you in my thoughts and prayers" is more to give comfort than anything. Saying they are in your thought, by omitting the prayers part, accomplishes the same thing and is never questioned by anyone.
Similarly, I often will reply "same sentiments back to you" when someone wishes me a Merry Christmas. Again, its not so much about religion in and of itself, but wanting to express a well wish (and an implied assumption that everyone is religious). I see nothing wrong with reciprocating the sentiment, though I try not to include the religious component.
Also, atheism is not bleak, rather its life that is bleak at times.
AtheistCrusader
(33,982 posts)I usually offer material support. 'How can I help'. Of course, that's a lot riskier than 'you're in my prayers', if the grieving party actually needs something.
Nothing I can do to bring back the dead, and nothing I can do to absorb someone's grief, but I can make space and time for them, so they can grieve as they need, while I take care of bullshit in the background.
"And I will tell the night
And whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can't move the mountains for you"
(Mumford and Son's, cribbing Macbeth.)
