Whatever will make the parents feel some comfort, what you believe doesn't matter. I'm a total atheist, and so was my Mom, but I murmured all the expected phrases to the family after she passed, because they needed to believe.
That's so sad.
I'm sorry.

This month is the ten year anniversary of my cousin's dad's death. It had always been hard for her. I've never thought of faking the sentiment, but I think it may be what the parents needs to hear.

There are no words that can bring comfort, the grief is just inconsolable. The funeral service was catholic and conducted by a Franciscan Monk, who started out by going to the heart of the matter. He made it clear that this was not god's plan, that the "he is with the angels now" is nothing more than a ridiculous cliché to the devastated parents, that there is nothing we can say or do other than to open our hearts and our hands. You are doing the right thing, you are opening your heart and hands and helping as best you can. There are no words. Don't worry about what to say, your actions are what count.

I kind if snapped on a family friend (who is also a coworker) as she tried to prosyletize those same tired words (and other words) once she heard the news. Then I really got really pissed when she kept saying god this and god that . I almost said god damn it. In the end, she told me to send her condolences to my cousin and just walked out of my office. Today was not the day to try to explain to me why a god she believes in would just kill infants. I was too tired to listen to mental gymnastics.

As non-believers, we don't say the same things that believers do (or that they want to hear). The best you can be is supportive - just be there.

Just curious - is there a particular reason you're paying for the funeral? Are they in financial straits?

But now I am here without any sort of comfort for his parents. They are a poor family and both parents list their jobs while she was pregnant. They have 2 other kids and this son was in neonatal for the first month if his life ( he was a premie), so they have been burdened with medical bills that they are struggling to pay.

I think that is what I will have to do. I remember seeing my parents after my sister died and that grief is so ingrained in them these days that they are no longer the people they were before 1992. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

and I have to say that you are a great person offering to pay for the funeral.

Sorry for making you cry, but I really think the way you posted that was absolutely perfect. It put your empathy for your cousin's family in perspective and relayed your most sincere feeling.

Sorry for your family's loss and I wish you and them well as you come to terms with your loss.

I haven't talked to her family yet, but I hope to give my condolences today. My grandma is helping with the arrangements so the whole family is pitching in in any way we can.

and I offer my condolences.

The mere fact that there is any question here makes me mad though. To think that if you just prayed and offered nothing else and it would be thought of as normal and ok, while someone who "Only gave money" could be thought of as selfish shows something terribly wrong in how we deal with tragedy.

I just didn't want to come across the wrong way. After talking with my grandma last night, I felt a lot better about helping in my own way. My cousin said she greatly appreciated the help and was very thankful. So perhaps I was a bit worried for nothing.
But society does have a weird way of dealing with death with all the religious expectations. I'm glad I could do something in my own way.

or your cousin, for that matter. I wasn't trying to soapbox over it, and really what I said was more about the outward appearance to observers. To the people directly involved what you did will surely be more appreciated than anything else, knowing that you are doing the right things all you should be concerned about, what would you want if the roles were reversed?

Take a break, take a deep breath, and don't worry about what others will think. if someone confronts you about it in relation to being an atheist tell them you works Sundays to save extra cash for emergencies like this.

Last edited Tue May 6, 2014, 09:46 PM - Edit history (1)

I would have been less stressed if we hadn't gotten involved in some mess at a previous funeral. Last year, one of my husband's uncles died. He was very poor and lived in Mexico. Another uncle in Dallas, who is financially better off than all of the siblings (but is a complete asshole and control freak) decided he and his wife were going to arrange the funeral. All of the other siblings are also quite poor, but they were all willing to split the cost evenly amongst themselves. All the siblings went to the funeral home and shit hit the fan. The wealthy uncle was picking out the most expensive everything. The widow just wanted a respectable catholic funeral; her family are very simple people who really focus on people, not things. Once the price tag hit about $20,000 the other siblings said that they just couldn't afford that type of funeral. The rich uncle said it was fine and that he would pay most of the costs.
The day before the funeral, while we were driving to Laredo, he decides he's not going to the funeral and wasn't going to pay anything. Unfortunately, the flowers had already been delivered, the funeral home already had his uncles body and he was already in his casket. My mother in law called us in a panic, so we just cut a check. I felt absolutely terrible for the widow. I told my husband that I never want to speak to his bastard of an uncle or his wretched wife ever again. And the wife actually went off on the widow before they left town, saying she was ungrateful, even though she never asked for anything. She didn't even ask for help paying, but we all knew she would not be able to afford it.
Late lady year, that same uncle had a stroke and while in the hospital, asked to see hubby. He went (I refused) and his uncle was apologizing for how he'd treated my husband previously. But once he was all better, he started treating everyone like shit again. I told my husband that if his uncle dies before me, I'd only go to his funeral to make sure he stays dead. That was mean if me to say, but I just wouldn't go. As far as I'm concerned, that line if his family doesn't exist to me. We're not rich, but we try to help when we can.

But we have to do the best we can to let the grieving know how we feel. As somebody else advised, your OP answered your question.

I wouldn't worry about their reaction to your paying for the funeral. I think they'll just be very grateful for your help and not question your motives. As someone smarter than me once said: "There are times when people don't need prayer or an aspirin. They need money."

I really feel for you because my own family is much like this. My email box has been crammed full of prayer requests the past couple of weeks - a cousin I grew up with nearly died, and his (adult) daughter went into the hospital at the same time for emergency treatment. I just respond that I'm thinking of them and hoping for recovery, without mentioning Jesus or prayer.

We had group texts going last night and there were a lot of prayer comments and requests going. I felt bad before we all got off by not really knowing to say, but I did tell them I'm keeping her family in my thoughts. No one seemed to have notice or cared, so I don't think they minded.

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin and his daughter. I hope they are doing better now.

but there are plenty of wrong things, like saying the baby is with Jebus in heaven. Parents who lose a child don't give a shit, they want their baby back.

Right now they're hurting as much as people are able to hurt. I think a collection for the funeral is a good idea, although they might refuse it. If that happens, think about contributing the money to a charity dedicated to curing what the baby died of.

Also wait 2-3 weeks and ask if they need anything: an ear, yard work, more casseroles; and think about supplying them. Loss is toughest about three weeks out when the mourners are all gone and nobody knows what to say to them any more. Isolation after the death of a child is common and it can be destructive, so keep them connected.

about her being in heaven did anything to make my parents or I feel better about her death. But at that time, I was already having doubts about the existence of god. My dad and I were mad at god. But some years later, I think we both decided that there was probably no good and sometimes bad things happen. That pretty much did it for my faith.

Thankfully, my cousin and her family are accepting every bit if help we offer. I know we all have our pride, but this is the one time I'm really glad that are letting us help.

I an so glad you mentioned following up with them in a few weeks. I'll remind the rest of the family to do the same. I'm out of state, but I know of a few things I can do to help. I may convene a family meeting in a couple if weeks to see what we can do to help. And thanks for mentioning this. I don't want them to feel abandoned or forgotten.

... contacting a local UU reverend/minister.

I'm confident that he/she would provide some helpful guidance for an appropriate response to the grieving parents.

Empathy

My other grandma goes to a UU church in the area. I'll give her a call and see who I can speak with.

Suggest they pay it forward someday when their circumstances allow.

The atheism thing is irrelevant. I've seen plenty of this by believers as well.

And it seems that this side of my family is actually not even aware of my atheism. Just had another talk with my grandma and she sounds utterly clueless with all her usual god speak. I'll be quiet for now and just go along with everything.

Don't make too much of it and hopefully your lack of belief won't become an issue. They have a lot to deal with and you're just trying to relieve some of the burden.

Seems that side if my family is unaware.

I realize this is a different situation all together, but when my dad and my mom died those that stuck in my memory the most as being the most concerned (and I was not an "out" atheist to my family) were those that just came up and put their hand on my shoulder or gave me a hug. Those that wanted to talk and tell me something were just more of the same voice and the same things I've heard. Let them know you care. Let them know you feel for them. That is what they will remember. Taking the burden of having to worry about making a funeral possibly is an enormous burden off their shoulders and I'm sure they will remember that act for ever.

I saw a lot of people in the family saying they would pray for them. I've never felt prayers were enough, even as a believer. Today, more of the family has rallied and we are doing more physical deeds. Things are coming together. We've got a large group just taking over the more stressful tasks so they can grieve, but tonight we agreed to make sure we are not stepping on any toes or being disrespectful.

You can say something like: "I realize that nothing I can say will ease your pain at all. I just want you to know I am so very sorry and that I am holding you all in my heart. I know you will think about little (baby name) every day for the rest of your lives, and I also will always remember her/him and consider her/him a very important part of your family."

Then, you can offer to do specific things. Don't just say "Is there anything I can do to help?" People in that situation can't think of things like that. You can say: 'I'm sure you have laundry piling up -- is it okay if I do it for you?" or something like that.

Thanks for posting.

As everyone has already stated, there is nothing you can say that will magically help them, but hug them. Let them cry on your shoulder. Tell them how sorry you are for their pain. If they talk about heaven or angels, just let them go with it...you don't have to add to it. And please be there in a month from now to hold their hand....that is when everyone disappears because they "just don't know what to say". Ask them how they are doing and really mean it that you want to know.

I thought it would be nice to provide the other two kids with perhaps a summer camp visit here in Texas. We usually invite our oldest niece, but it would be nice if we can expose them to some distraction since school is almost out. And I think a great aunt is going to help them in the next couple of weeks just getting used to life again. I suppose my grandma will just be the great grandma she's always been.

We rue early death for human reasons ... when you speak of the decedent's current state, say how pain has ceased, and how this comforts them ...

Don't use religious totems to communicate grief ... use human emotional touchstones instead ... human beings grieve the loss of a child, which is heartbreaking in all cases for everyone ...

Paying for the funeral is a very generous gesture ... be proud off the help you provide ... you are helping THEM ...

Good luck

It never makes any sense and there are very few words one could even say that would remotely make the parents feel any better.
I am hoping that if others face similar situations, they will come to this thread and find so much good advice.

It happened to me with my first child. The thing i hated to hear most was ' shes in a better place or god called her home'.
Best to just keep doing what you can to help relieve the strain. They might be grateful to you a bit for not saying the normal ' the baby's an angel stuff. I know i did not want to hear that at the time or ever. I know they were trying to comfort me, but it just made it worse.

I'm sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

It seems that my cousin has gotten too many of those comments in the last couple of days. At this point, she is mad at god so she sounded relieved at hearing my condolences. I think my grandma went overboard telling us all:

"Yes, its hard to bury a child, especially a baby. They are truly heaven bound. Born into a world of sin but haven't sinned."

I think my grandma's comments are making it worse.

It breaks my heart to read this. The people i feel closest to now are the ones who are the ones who just let me be pissed and agreed that it was jacked up. Nothing else they could say made me feel better and they knew that. The ones who were talking too much got avoided. I literally had to move back from Cali to Ak to be able to live again. Two kids and ten years later i still feel sad sometimes. Like once a week as opposed to every minute of the day. It's good that they have somebody to talk to that will let them do the talking if they want to or just sit quiet. Sometimes there nothing to say.
I wish you were around then. I would have liked it.

Just to get some peace. My grandma just texted me a copy of the obit a few minutes ago, but she didn't get all holy on me. I think my cousin may have snapped in her because she was talking to much.
I am going to try to give my cousin a safe place to yell and cry and get everything out. I just hope other family members will give her a break from their more ridiculous comments.

with them at this most difficult of times will allow them to steer the boat a little more easily. That is a great comfort.

Peace to you and them.

I think they decided to spend some time with their other 2 kids today. I'm sure they're keeping the parents busy.
I'm going to attempt to keep things from getting too crazy, but I suspect my family may have an uber-religious preacher at the funeral (all funerals used to be performed by my 2 preacher grandfathers before they died). I just don't want to see them unintentionally inflict more harm. I suppose we'll see on Saturday.

What a discussion.

Bravenak writing simply but oh so eloquently about the hardest blow life can deal to a human being.

TDC and her husband stepping up to help a couple trying to deal with that same harsh blow.

Lots of people adding condolences and useful suggestions.

I sure can't add any eloquence. Or anything else.

So I'll just say what I've said in here so many times before - sometimes you people just amaze me.

Insightful, loving, and often hilarious. I really appreciate EVERYONE who posted to this thread. You all have been a great help to me and my extended family.

Be present. Allow them to grieve. Cry with with them. Hug them, if that's your style. It's very kind of you to stand the expense of this funeral and they will appreciate it, regardless of whatever they find out about your beliefs later.

Don't forget them in the weeks and months following the funeral. That is the time the grief will settle in as an unwelcome, forever companion. It's can be far too easy for friends and family to distance themselves when they may be most needed. I don't think they'll ever look unkindly on your kindness, regardless of your unbelief.

Being a believer or non-believer makes it no easier to say what you feel and what will be of help to those grieving.