I have found that letting shock take over kept me functioning at the survival level for each of my parents' deaths...2 years, for the first, my mother, and then I could let go and grieve. I don't recommend such a long period of shock, but I really didn't have a safe place or time for grief then.

It's now been two years since I lost my father, became an orphan and the oldest of the family, and I find that grief is now welling up on schedule (my schedule, yours may be longer or shorter). I have a sister to share with, that helps.

These are your available resources

1. the insulating property of shock in the grieving process

2. the protection of friends and family, if you have any trustworthy

3. the support of social service organizations, if you can find competent help locally (churches, clubs, counseling)

4. books, films, art of any kind, to dull the pain, ease the pain, distract from the pain, explain the pain....more input from the outside world, without actual human beings to muddy it up. Distilled help from the best of humanity, free of human meddling.

5. Time and reflection.

The breakthough I had this month was realizing that in fact my parents did love me, loved all their children, and did their best for us. Not everybody has that comfort. And I loved them, too, despite the lack of heart-to-heart communication, to the best of my ability. We are square. Having finally decided that was a great comfort, and gave me back my future.

It wasn't obvious to me, given the years of miscommunication and cross-purposes. Having finally convinced myself of that truth has given me a smooth, flat, stone foundation in my soul upon which to rebuild life.

I hope these reflections of mine can help you to survive, and eventually live fully again.

Above all, you must eat, sleep, work, and seek distraction. Let the grieving process proceed without any forcing or expectations. You aren't alone, and needn't be.

I hope you have help with the immediate needs and details of dealing of with this death. If not, please find someone, like family, friends, clergy, or others. People are often in shock at first.

Is there anything we can do right now, any advice we can offer? We are here to support you. This group is very helpful.

Seriously, there is no "dealing with" yet.
Just. Keep. Breathing.

Let yourself be a mess. This cultural "be strong" message we get is bullshit. An awful thing happened. Being a mess is appropriate.

Dealing will come later. The next few days are going to be crazy - people to call, details to take care of, arrangements to make. The shock usually cushions us through that part, and many of us later can't remember the first week or two after the death very clearly.

Try to remember to eat, at least enough to keep your blood sugar from plummeting. Stay hydrated. If other people offer to do specific things, let them.

And keep breathing.



DLO

You don't have to 'deal' with anything. You don't need to 'be strong for' anyone. You have to look after YOU.
Being a mess is not only appropriate but it's healthy. Don't hold it in. Give yourself permission to fall to bits. Most of all, do not forget to take any medications you are prescribed, eat according to what your dietary needs are and for heaven sake keep sipping fluids. Try to get rest and LET OTHER PEOPLE do for you.

When they ask what you need, tell them, even if it's just having your shoes shined for you or a basket of laundry washed, dried and ironed. People feel a great need to step up and help, let them!

my deepest sympathy on the loss of your dear Father.
Cherish those good memories.

kesha.

I don't know what to say, I can't imagine what you must be going through. Hopefully, you have people around you to support you through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

messages.

My Mom and one of my three sisters are taking care of the details as I am trying to recover from a stroke.

For the last 9 months my dad drove the 20 minutes to our house so he and mom could spend time wwith me. I couldn't get into their house because of steps. They hadn't been here for a couple of weeks so I knew dad must not be doing well. I was going to try to get up the steps on mother's day but dad slept most of the day.

I hate I didn't get to see him again but I know he loved me and I love him. We had worked out any differences we had. He even became a Democrat after a lifetime of being a Republican.

I'll probably be back here a lot.

Thanks again.

A stroke, and now this. Take care of yourself.

I am glad you have help. Hugs.

I haven't been online much in the last two weeks (long story) and I feel badly that I wasn't here to hold you up a bit.
Please know that we are all thinking of you and we're here if you need us.

My sincerest and heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

Check in when you can.

much love and support.

kesha

is Friday. He was cremated.

I was able to laugh with a sister about his quirkiness and he was quirky.

Thank you all for you kindness.

with some laughter.

Keep taking care of yourself.