NEW YORK—Confirming the accident occurred while transferring a new load of cash into Hillary Clinton’s campaign finance warehouse, sources reported that Hillary for America treasurer Jose Villarreal was crushed to death Friday after a stack of campaign funds toppled over onto him. “We are deeply saddened to report that our friend and colleague Jose Villarreal was killed instantly this morning when one of our forklifts struck a 30-foot stack of contributions, knocking over several pallets of campaign money and trapping him underneath,” said the campaign’s communications director, Jennifer Palmieri, who confirmed that Villarreal had been inventorying a particularly cramped and dangerous section of the warehouse dedicated to financial firm contributions when as much as $6 million came crashing down on top of him. “Unfortunately, by the time our staffers rushed in and dug Mr. Villarreal out from under the pile of bills and checks, it was too late. An entire week’s worth of fundraising fell on him, so, sadly, there was no chance of pulling him out alive.” Palmieri added that all staffers handling campaign funds would henceforth be required to wear hard hats and other protective equipment.

Thrown completely off-balance as he emphatically argued the benefits of a living wage, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders was reportedly sent tumbling off stage midway through Saturday’s Democratic debate by an out-of-control hand gesture. “He started responding to a question about how to spur job creation, but he had a little too much momentum behind the hand he was waving around, which catapulted him away from his podium and toward the edge of the stage,” said audience member Faith Besler, who noted that Sanders had also been left unbalanced and staggering earlier in the debate during an exchange over campaign financing when a particularly agitated pointing motion directed at Hillary Clinton sent him careening off camera. “He probably could have stopped himself before he reached the edge, but then he really punctuated a talking point about the lack of overtime pay for low-wage workers with a wild two-handed swatting motion that caused him to pick up speed and plunge right into the audience. He was still talking about a $15 federal minimum wage after he landed on a woman a couple rows back.” At press time, Sanders had returned to the stage only to have his podium splinter and give way under the pressure of his extremely forceful slouching.