Idiot Wind: My Foe Says I’ll Remove the Bible From America

On Wednesday, on the radio, my deranged opponent Todd Long said that I “want to remove the Bible . . . from this country.”

That’s a quote.

I actually would like to remove libel, not the Bible, from this country. But clearly that’s impossible as long as Todd Long resides here. Todd Long is the Mount Pinatubo of libel.

When the interviewer expressed, shall we say, a certain skepticism, Long doubled down. He said that I not only want to remove the Bible from America, but that I also want to “kick Christianity out of this country.”

Admittedly, Todd Long said this on Halloween. Trick or treat. But he was serious. Demented, but serious.

We have these asinine remarks on tape. Which is a good thing. Because Todd Long, like a certain Republican Presidential candidate, has a habit of denying any prior statement that he deems inexpedient. As Nixon’s Press Secretary Ron Ziegler once said, such inconvenient truths become “inoperative.”
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Actually, all this started when Long was brought face to face with his own nuttery. The interviewer asked Long, on Hispanic radio, whether he wanted to make English the official language. Long replied, “That’s totally false. I’ve never said that.” The interviewer then referred Long to page 169 of his own book, “The Conservative Comeback,” which says just that.

Things went downhill from there. It was a fascinating athletic event – could Todd Long lie faster than the interviewer could fact-check?
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It’s not the first time that we’ve had some giant whoppers heaved at us. In July, an opponent said that if I’m elected, I will triple gas prices, prohibit guns and ammunition, and close down children’s lemonade stands. I guess we’ll find out.

But Todd Long has made one contemptible charge again and again: that I am “the most anti-Christian Congressman in history.” No one has any idea what that means; even Long can’t explain it. But his obvious intent is to stir up anti-Semitism against me, because I’m Jewish.
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Somehow or other, our voters have not found Long’s disgraceful smear campaign to be a compelling political platform. And here we are, with less than one week to go before the election. Long feels that he has to up the ante. So he says now that I’m not only “the most anti-Christian Congressman in history,” but also that I want to “remove the Bible” and “kick Christianity out of this country.”
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“Remove the Bible” – how would that work, exactly? Would they be incinerated, like Long’s crackpot allies did to all those Harry Potter books a few years ago? Or would we send earnest young atheists door to door to collect them, and then ship them all off to Communist China, postage due? Or perhaps just pile them all on Mt. Sinai, with a short note politely asking God to please take them back?

I don’t know. What I do know is this: We have to defeat Todd Long, and defeat him as badly as possible. And with your help, we will.
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Courage,

Alan Grayson

“Idiot wind – blowing every time you move your mouth,
Blowing down the backroads, heading south,
Idiot wind – blowing every time you move your teeth,
You’re an idiot, babe;
It’s a wonder that you still know how to breathe.”
- Bob Dylan, “Idiot Wind” (1974)