Come on, GOP – Tell Us Again

Tell us again about how you are the party of good Christian family values. It’s a story we all love to hear – and tonight seems the appropriate time for you tell the tale yet again.

Tell us how Donald Trump, your party’s nominee and its de facto standard-bearer, reflects all of those values you claim to epitomize, all of those principles you claim to uphold.

One of your revered icons, Pat Robertson, recently shared one of his “visions”: “God came to me in a dream last night and showed me the future. He took me to heaven and I saw Donald Trump seated at the right hand of our Lord.”

One would wonder what The Donald and The Lord discussed at the time. Do you suppose it had anything to do with grabbing women by the pussy?

As Trump said about groping women, “When you’re a star, they let you do it.” Well, Christ was quite the star in his time. Do you suppose they swapped stories about how Jesus used to try and fuck married women who were dazzled by his ability to walk on water? Perhaps the water-into-wine thing was perfected in order to get the local babes in the mood for a little pre-crucifixion screwing.

I’m not trying to be disrespectful here. I’m just trying to understand how your oft-touted Christian values led to the nomination of someone like Trump.

Perhaps Michele Bachman holds the key to understanding this phenomenon: ” … at the end of the day God raised up, I believe, Donald Trump who was going to be the nominee in this election. I don’t think God sits things out. He’s a sovereign God. Donald Trump became our nominee.”

So this was God’s plan all along – who knew? Admittedly, I feel like a God-damned fool (pun intended) for not realizing before now that the “sovereign God” wanted to see our nation’s fate placed in the hands of a conniving liar who cheats honest people out of their money, who is too smart to “render unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s”, who demonstrates his love for his fellow man by mocking the disabled, and who believes that grabbing women by their pussy is what The Nazarene was – wink, wink, nod, nod – talking about all along.

I think the truth of the matter is now abundantly clear, and it’s the fact that Donald Trump is the embodiment of Republican “good Christian family values”. Just like all of you, he’s a hypocrite who believes that Christ’s admonitions to feed the hungry, shelter the homeless, and care for the sick were taken out of context – because what Jesus really meant was “starve the moochers, kick the penniless to the curb, and let he who is without money suffer and die”.

It will be interesting to watch you “good Christian family values” folks over the next few days. Maybe Trump will make a statement about how the Virgin Mary was crazy, but she had nice tits and a great ass, so he would have nailed her anyway – which will undoubtedly be followed by enthusiastic applause from your side of the aisle.

As Pat Robertson said of Trump, “You inspire all of us.” And therein lies the truth – the fact that he actually does inspire you in ways that Jesus apparently never did.