Does it still haunt you ? [View all]

It never fails, 9 years since I was diagnosed and I still have nightmares about that day. I'm sitting on the examination table, my heart beating harder than it ever had in my than 20 years of life. Outwardly I'm composed and calm but inwardly I'm more terrified than I've ever been. My family doctor comes in and he tells me that I have cancer. His face is stern and neutral. I smile and nod saying thank you for the news. I stand and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. It's not my face, but it is. My skin has a pale yellowish color to it. My eyes are sunken and glazed over. My normally slightly pudgy face is almost skin and bone. Like it's just the skull covered with a very thin layer of skin. I have no hair, facial or otherwise. By this point I usually wake up and I'm left with a dark, dreadful feeling.

I am sorry if this triggers memories that someone would rather not remember. But I've been having this same dream for almost a decade now. It's become less common but it still happens at least once a month. In fact I had that same dream last night. I usually try to ignore and forget what I experienced with cancer. But perhaps talking about it will help.

In comparison to stories I've heard from other survivors I suppose mine wasn't really that bad. But to this day it still haunts me. Even though I was told I'm in the clear a long time ago I still have a deep fear of it returning.

Like I said please excuse if this triggers something you'd rather not think about but I feel I needed to get this off my chest. There are a lot of issues I refused to deal with in my past and this past year has sort of forced me to dig back in to stuff I'd rather not.

I hope my fellow survivors and patients will forgive me this indulgence.